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Debilitated in Cali

| Jul 9, 2018
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I’m sitting here, in the parking lot of the store were I work. I sit here not knowing what each day will bring. Right now, it is very, very hard. Each day, I rise to heavy anxiety that awakens me much too early. I go to bed late, because that’s when I feel okay-ish. 

Today, smoke from wildfires burning in Napa and Yolo counties is blowing over the area. Ash bits are falling from the sky. This has happened for millennia here in California. But I am here, now, in this moment. The smoke turns everything an eerie orange. The sapphire blue skies are obscured. The mountains are ghostly as they are partially covered by the haze. 

My soul is uneasy. This is the hardest time I have had while living here. I keep waiting for a medication to help me deal with this anxiety and fear. I think this is day 17 for my new drug, Lexapro. 

I have so much fear. I fear that nothing will help me, even though I have responded before to meds. I took one for 6 years and then decided to go off of it shortly after moving here. That was my first stupid move. My panic and anxiety started to come back. 

I went back on meds but it turned into a nightmare that had me switch to another med after 5 hard months. This new med, Cymbalta, started to help. I still had my troubles, but was doing okay. I am sure the stresses of living here in Cali and with the crazy Landlady, whom, I’ve written about before, is, and has, done me no good. 

For some reason, after being fairly stable on the Cymbalta, I decided to just get off of it and go natural. I was convinced that the drugs were making me anxious. WRONGO. So, I found this Facebook group that preaches the evils of Cymbalta. I got on board, and got off. 

The hell that has followed was most unexpected. After about a month off of Cymbalta, my anxiety started to go thru the roof. I now deal with anxiety that is like nothing I’ve ever felt. I decided to get back on meds. . .again. I needed help. 

The meds seem to have increased my anxiety and fears greatly. I battle every day to try and stay calm. It is taking a toll. I have lost 23 pounds and can’t sleep very well. I’ve always loved sleep. On Cymbalta, I could sleep so much. I liked it, except I’d sometimes sleep way into the afternoon. 

I really wish I had not got off of Cymbalta at this time. I have been wanting to move out of California for years now. I thought I could make it, but I don’t think I can. It’s too tough to make it here. I miss the East. I really screwed up by getting off my med. Now, I am so scared, debilitated-feeling, and anxious. I am trying to fight through it every day. It feels like a recurring nightmare.

I got rid of more stuff of mine today. This is important because if I can pare down my things in order to fit them in my compact car, I would have hope that when I feel a little better, I can gather my things, stuff my car, and just go. 

I don’t feel like pissing around with roof bags or cargo carriers. If it doesn’t fit, I must pitch it. Today, I got rid of three large items. I am very close. But, do I feel good enough to endure a cross-country trip? No, not really. I am just looking to feel a bit better. I did not expect this at all. This is the worst I have felt, on a prolonged basis, in my life. I need hope. I need a ray of light to help me get back home. I want to feel like me again.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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