Compensation
Do you have any idea what some of you have done to your wives? Do you think the lies, deceit and betrayal were not enough agony for most of us? Why is it when it ends up in divorce — the wife does not receive additional dollars in compensation for her pain and suffering? Do you acknowledge that your — SURPRISE — life long condition (still considered a perversion) has the ability to physically, emotionally and mentally seriously hurt your wife and or mother of your children? Have you no shame?
Many crossdresser’s wives on my worldwide website: crossdresserswives.com, express their rage when they live in a no fault divorce state. (NO FAULT — are you serious?) Yes it is your fault IF you did not disclose the truth about the condition you’ve had since you were a child. Stand up. Be a man — even if you are wearing a tutu — take responsibility for your actions — which were despicable. To enter into a scared place of marriage and not disclose the truth to the one person in the world you are suppose to put before anyone — and that includes your ‘other self’ and your frigging lingerie.
How much time, energy and money did you put into your secret life? I know of one CD who wiped out his and his wife’s retirement fund for his crossdressing purchases. Clothes, make up, treatments etc. all cost money. You do not seem to have problems spending money on being “Suzie” for a day — to many “money is no object.” They hide that from their wives too. Then when she gets smart, understands what has happened and decided to get out — she finds herself in a state of shock — divorcing her crossdressing husband and finding out in NO FAULT states the judges do not care what happened — just about the money.
Where is the money to pay for your ex wife’s health care? Many are appropriately diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many therapists will say it takes usually 2 years to get over PTSD. Therapists charge $100-$350 (or more) an hour. Do the math for two years, once a week visits. And SHE has to PAY for your SINS (meaning all of your lies). Does that really sound equitable to you? Really?
A soon to be (EX CDW) gave me permission to share this: “My old fiancé (who passed away years ago) had a law partner who has been a US Family Court Support Magistrate in [location removed] for years. He said that if it was him hearing the case, if told that I had to get an AIDS test upon the recommendation of two doctors that he would award me more because even if technically this is not a fault divorce that he and other judges have the authority without explanation to plump up the amount.” — Anonymous
Here is another theory. If you are truly sorry for destroying your marriage and hurting your wife, then what is stopping you from making sure her current needs (mainly due to your ongoing lies) are being met? Do any of you feel any responsibility for what you did? Do you have a conscience? If so, put your money where your mouth is. Maybe providing necessary therapy to your wife should be more important than a new, sleazy outfit that makes you feel good.
Some crossdressers want to call this ‘blackmail.’ Disclosing our true lives in a courtroom is not blackmail. It is just telling the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth. It is our reality that you have caused. At least have the decency to try to compensate your ex wife for the damage you did to her. You actions have caused her to live a life of stress.
You have the chance to do the right thing — or maybe some crossdresser’s wife is going to civilly sue her ex husband crossdresser for misrepresenting himself for not disclosing the truth. Personally, since few of you do take responsibility, I do foresee this ending up in civil courts and the judges will have to decide. And yes, I see it going in favor of the crossdresser’s wife! Maybe the choice will be taken from you and just forced upon you. It is your choice now. I believe the clock is ticking.
Blessings,
Dee
Category: Transgender Opinion
About the Author (Author Profile)
Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.Subscribe
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Graham doesn’t put words into anyone’s mouth, Tasi … that’s why my text was sprinkled with direct quotes from your previous posts. All I did was highlight the inconsistencies in your position, and seek clarification. GIGO …
Nicely put Christine. Graham does love to put words in my mouth. Did Dee rant, sure she did in my opinion. I don’t doubt her experience. It’s just that it represents only some in the spectrum and I’m guessing those that are transexual and are transitioning and have absolutely put their desires above that of their family. To that end I agree with Dee that there are family responsibilities that need to be met too.
Having any form of surgery is never a given. I have friends that are full-time without HRT, FFS or SRS. I think we all understand that some wives are tolerant no matter what, while others will not accept even the thought or suggestion of crossdressing. That’s life.
In my own personal situation, i frankly don’t know how far I’d go if there were no limiting factors. Probably more than now. Beyond that, I don’t know and I’m not sure any of us really do until we take those steps. And no, i don’t believe that cross dressing is necessarily a precursor to transition although for some it is.
There’s not much point carrying on this discussion endlessly because transgendered people cover an incredibly broad spectrum, and all points on the spectrum are equally valid. It’s a pity that many consider that their point is the only valid one. The entire spectrum from end to end is so small that we can’t afford to split into factions.
The difference, I guess, is that although it has always been very important part of my life, being transgendered, being a transvestite, is only one facet of my personality – I’ve got lots of others.
Dee’s book describes a completely selfish, self-absorbed and thoughtless type; one who might well be described as a fetishist. But he’s a completely selfish sod who also happens to be a fetishist – being a fetishist doesn’t necessarily make someone selfish or inconsiderate.
Dee’s website caters not only for the unfortunate wife of that type of transgender, but also for women who are just not able to accept crossdressing at any price. That doesn’t make them wrong or unreasonable, it’s just the way they are built, and their feelings are quite valid.
No; Dee does not think “we” are all fetishists; she is well aware that many couples are happy about it, and appreciates that it takes all sorts to make a world. She starts her piece with the words, “Do you have any idea what some of you have done to your wives?” Some of you – not a “potshot” at any individual or or at transgenders collectively. That doesn’t mean that her aversion to some of “us” is not reasonable or well-deserved. And “we” are all sorts of people – from fetishists to transsexuals – “we” are all at various points somewhere along the line.
I started crossdressing at the age about nine or ten, long before I became sexually aware, so it wasn’t to ‘get a hard on’. In my innocence I used sometimes to pray that I’d wake up a girl, but even then had the sense to realise that was a dream. (Before the advent of srs). When I reached puberty it became a powerful sexual turn-on so I guess that for some years it would have been reasonably accurate to describe me as a fetishistic cross-dresser. (And I’d guess that if we were honest, the vast majority of us passed through this phase of it being a turn-on)
I hated myself for it, did all the usual purges, including one just before my marriage. No; I didn’t tell her, and realised that it wasn’t going to go away, but I’d been sitting on it in secret for forty-odd years and had built such a defensive wall round myself that it not only kept others out, but was insurmountable from inside. Eventually I made contact with others via Yvonne and the London TV/TS Support Group and ‘came out’. As I said earlier, Helene accepted, and then I was able to go out and about presenting female – and it no longer had the effect of arousal; in fact it just gave me sheer pleasure, great fun and incredible relaxation.
So if we’re going to insist on a series of levels, perhaps this meant that I’d progressed to being a “serious” cross-dresser who wanted to express more feminine traits.
I never had a feeling that I became a woman, or that I had a split personality. I was seriously anxious to present the feminine part of me well (padding my bra to that end) but was always aware of what I really was. My main hobby is amateur drama, so perhaps it was partly anxiety to put on the best performance I could – and I got away with this face-to-face acting the vast majority of the time. So was I really a “serious” crossdresser, or just a ham, same as I was in the drama group. Either way, for about seventeen years I was dressing and presenting female without any sexual arousal at all – it just gave me immense pleasure, lots of fun, and an incredible feeling of relaxation.
Even after re-growing the facial fungus I continued cross-dressing, but limited it to round and about the house; (I didn’t want to frighten any horses!)
And now? Over eighty years old and on the wrong side of two prostate operations, sexual arousal is merely a case of fond memories or just wishful thinking.
But with all that – and a beard – I still dress. What’s more I pad my bra – it makes dresses fit better; how logical is that? So what classification do I fall into now? Maybe just a nutty old perv?
Yes, the desire to cross-dress and present female has been an incredibly strong force in my life, and I still love cross-dressing, but thank God I can laugh about it, and at myself. Like all serious problems in life some relief is necessary to avoid an explosion. Maybe my tongue-in-cheek use of the word “hobby” was ill-advised; just because I can laugh about myself doesn’t mean that others have that happy facility.
So I think I’ll just try to be tolerant, and carry on with the cartoons hoping that others will be able to laugh with “us” rather than at “us”.
“Due to circumstances, changing the biology is not an option for me or for other cross dressers that can not afford the awfully expensive procedures.” Now that’s interesting: are you saying that, if money were no object, some / many / most / all crossdressers would have some form of surgery to make them look more female? Someone who insists that they’re “just a crossdresser” would never be seriously considering breast implants, Tasi. You claimed earlier that “I think there is a distinction … between crossdressers and transsexuals”, but you now seem to be suggesting – in your own situation amongst others – that crossdressing is merely a precursor to transsexualism. So which is it?
And if surgery WERE more freely available, I presume our wives and partners would also be expected to accept this escalation in our unreasonable behaviour without complaint? Some wives understandably get upset at discovering that they’re married to a crossdresser, but there’s a gulf of difference between “the man I married wears dresses” and “the man I married has had breast implants”!
And you had the nerve to say that Dee’s excellent and well-researched article was a “rant” …
Yep! just a cross dresser, but I look like a woman. Your message got through. I just don’t happen to agree with you, Graham. Not only do I find your term “charade” as offensive, but those of us that are seriously trying to portray our inner feelings don’t think of ourselves as men when dressed. Due to circumstances, changing the biology is not an option for me or for other cross dressers that can not afford the awfully expensive procedures. Some like myself consider ourselves as ambi or dual-gendered hence we legitimately portray ourselves as both male and female. I am assuming that you have never felt these internal drives and choose to portray yourself as a man in a dress because that simply is how you like to dress
I’d just like to correct one point, Tasi. I never said that crossdressers shouldn’t under any circumstances wear padding, but that it was wrong to do as part of the charade of “being a woman”. Men don’t have large breasts, biologically speaking – don’t pretend that you do, just so that you can attempt to pass yourself off as a woman.
My message – which obviously failed to get through – is “be honest about what you are”. If you like big breasts, then by all means buy some. But you’re still a crossdresser … not a woman.
No one is doubting that there have been many wives that ended up with the short end of the stick, but as Melissa has said, let’s not paint us all with the same brush.
Dr Virginia Erhardt, a clinical pyschologist, has written a book called “Head Over Heels” the stories of some 30 TG couples. The stories are both good and bad. Some marriages have survived and some have not. Some wives knew in the beginning and some did not. But what Dr Erhardt did say was that transgenderism is not a lifestyle (or a hobby), it’s not a choice at all. Who in his right mind would wake up one morning and decide to adopt feelings and needs that will cost them an enormous price.
That said, there are all too many crossdressers that do it as a fetish. I’m not one and I’m about your age Christine. I knew I cross dressed when I got married but it seemed a harmless thing that wouldn’t have any impact on my marriage and as I did it infrequently, it wasn’t any big deal. When later in life it became more important, well things changed.
Did my wife have the right to throw me out. Sure she did and with justifiable cause. But as in any relationship, some survive the change and some do not and I’ve yet to read a satisfactory explanation as to why some wives are tolerant and some are not. I have friends that went to the nth degree to accomodate their wives and the marriage didn’t survive. I know other wives that stay with their husbands through transition and beyond. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.
Like Christine, I had this overriding fear that my wife would leave me to the point that I was almost paralysed into inaction. but I couldn’t live that way. Is that selfish? Perhaps. But more likely it’s just life. Like a job loss, you deal with it. There’s not usually an easy answer. Sometimes we go on to get a new career, or a new marriage. C’est la vie. My friend loves his wife desparately but she’ll not have any part of it and he can’t, physically can’t, not cross dress.
Sorry but I don’t believe Melissa is intolerant. She merely pointed out that there are some who treat cross dressing as a fetish. They’re all over You Tube and we TG folks who deal with this as a real part of who we are get painted with the broad brush of those who neither understand or agree with what we do.
I’m glad Dee is helping so many of these ladies who husbands have made no effort to help the partnership through troubled times. So few of us take responsibility! Really? Not in the circles that I travel. but then these fetish cross dressers probably may not belong to a real support group. Wait, yes they do – just not mine.
Then we have Graham who believes closet cross dressers are selfish (and shouldn’t wear breast forms). Really? Again we have a broad brush. I know two CDs, well known in our community, that would love to tell their wives, but their wives totally don’t want to know anything that will change that image of their husband. Can’t blame them for that, but let’s not criticize them for who they are. Both are highly responsible people.
Christine,
I think Dee Levy thinks we are all selfish fetishists. Am I going to sit back and take a pot shot from someone who thinks all I am is a selfish fetishist? No. I am not. I am not casting judgment, Dee has, and her book is just case study after case study of men who selfishly engage in fetishism. I don’t think you fit into that category by what you have described. It sounds to me like you have lived a pretty bigendered life as well, and you too, were brave enough to go out into the world. Again, no judgments, but I don’t think you are a fetishist. I am also not suggesting I am any ‘better.’ I am simply stating that some people have motives for transgender living that go so far beyond getting a hard on it’s not funny.
If being transgender is a hobby, why is the suicide rate so high for so many of us? 30-40% of transsexual women have contemplated or thought about suicide. I would venture to say that many crossdressers have had similar feelings….so much for the this is just a hobby theory…sorry. Being transgender is not a hobby; it’s not a fetish; it’s a state of internal being that never goes away…at least that is how it manifests itself for me.
I mean you no disrespect or any of the other sisters on this website, but let’s be clear that Dee’s book is describing a fetishistic crossdresser…someone I am not.
Oh my goodness! I wondered if my remarks might get someone jumping in the air and swinging on nothing!
I congratulate Melissam on his bravery and courage in coming out at the tender age of 19. (Well, she was a he to everyone until then). Yes, far more courage (and bravery) than I had; at age 19 I’d already sat on my transvestism for some nine or ten years, and spent a further thirty years in the closet, terrified out of my mind that anyone might even suspect, let alone know, that I had this irrational desire to cross-dress as a girl. And I must admit that in those earlier days it was a tremendous sexual turn-on – which I’m sure is true of most of us if we’re honest, however we classify ourselves.
And yes, as I already said, I take no pride at all that I married without telling my wife, knowing damn well it wasn’t going to go away. I then had the fear that if I came out I would lose my wife – and I loved her.
So by Melissa’s standards I’m merely a cowardly panty-wearing crossdressing fetishist hiding in the closet, and therefore at a lower level of transgenderism – far beneath her more select upper position as almost-TS.
When I came out in 1983 I took my “femme side” perfectly seriously, and for some seventeen years subsequently went about in public quite openly – presenting female without making an ass of myself.
My wife helped me, came out with me, enjoyed helping to run a support group and meeting hundreds of lovely transgender people from all points of the spectrum, most of who tried to understand and tolerate each other.
I’m afraid we failed in our “duty” by not having couples therapy, unless you count our spending some time with the inimitable Yvonne Sinclair when I first came out, so presumably we’re beyond the pale in that way as well.
I’ve been the subject of articles in a Woman’s magazine and a local paper and have had articles published in Mensa Magazine and Transgender Tapestry, and even appear in a little video on Youtube. In all my contacts with the “straight” world I met with no intolerance or antagonism – but a lot of curiosity and interest. I even managed to raise a few friendly laughs; was that sacrilegious in view of the seriousness of the situation?
I’ve not been out and about since about 2000 as I re-grew my beard and one tends to get read more easily with a whiskery chin and moustache. I re-grew it because Helene said it was ‘what she had married’.
So for the past few years I’ve not been out and about, but have pottered round the house and garden resplendent with whiskers and skirts. Maybe enough to make our two cats laugh, but the neighbours have not been in the slightest perturbed, nor have various tradesmen, postmen or other callers.
I’m sorry if all these failings make me a selfish fetishist who’s threatening real progress; I didn’t think I was doing too badly, for all my odd little ways.
Dee is helping a sector of partners who are not covered by many other help sites – those who are totally unable to accept the fact that their partners cross-dress, or who have the misfortune to be married to one of the really more incredibly selfish members of our “community” – and like it or not, they also are transgender.
I’m sorry Melissam, but I’ve spent some seventy years now being a transvestite and gave up trying to find any logic in it years ago. And I maintain that it’s a selfish hobby – but like everything else in life compromise is essential because one cannot be completely selfish and also happy.
As regards tolerance, you show signs of being more than a little intolerant towards anyone who you consider to be lower than the lofty height at which you deem yourself to be on the transgender spectrum. That is less commendable than intolerance from the outside world at large.
I have only one comment on Dee’s piece, and it is this: “BRAVO!”.
In general, closet crossdressers ARE selfish – they want the stability and normality of a marriage and kids, yet they’re clearly willing to risk destroying everyone’s life if they’re caught. Would you play dice with a loaded gun pointed at your head? No? So why are you willing to play dice with a loaded gun pointed at the heads of your innocent wife and kids?
In a relationship which is supposed to be based on equality, honesty, and trust, there’s no room for a secret which affects the very nature of one party – that’s dishonesty of the worst kind. You know you’ll never be able to change, and if you can’t accept your own crossdressing to the point where you can be open and honest about it, you have no right to expect anyone else to accept it either.
So, you ask, “how do I go about telling my potential partner that I’m a crossdresser without running the risk of losing her?” Hello!!! Isn’t that like asking how you can have your cake and eat it too? The fact is that you may NOT be able to keep your partner, but it’s your duty as a human being to be honest with anyone with whom you’re considering a lifelong relationship BEFORE the relationship gets serious. If she decides she doesn’t want to see you again, just be happy that she has the opportunity to move on – once she’s locked into a marriage and a family, it’s more difficult to get out, and the easiest option may be to continue living with someone she despises. And provided she “allows” you to dress once a week, you’re happy with that? Seriously? You need a reality check, my friend.
But if she discovers your secret, kicks your arse out of the marital home, and scatters your lingerie all over the front lawn, think yourself lucky – it could be worse. Think about it – her life and her dreams have been shattered in a microsecond of selfishness by the person she loved and trusted, and she might easily have taken a knife to your throat in a “crime passionnel”. Frankly, you’d probably deserve it.
Christine-Jane,
Crossdressing is NOT inherently selfish and illogical…..no more so than being transsexual or transgender in any form. I think a crossdresser can BEHAVE selfishly and illogical–but to blanketly say it is illogical makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think it is patently unfair to heap this kind of news on a wife of many years. I definitely agree with the fact this revelation could be very traumatic but let me also state that WHO I am is very damn close to being TS, not a CD. I don’t crossdress as a form of fetishism, and I have met many transwomen who take their femme sides very seriously, go out in public and don’t make asses out of themselves. I have visited the crossdresserswives website numerous times and frankly, most of these poor wives are at the mercy of fetishists who behave selfishly. Dee’s ex husband’s story is an example of this…I very tearfully, at the tender age of 19, came out of the closet to family and friends and my soon to be wife as transgender. I was brave and courageous. Twenty two years later, my wife is still with me and she recognizes I am bigendered and it is not a fetish…it is a part of WHO I am.
Closeted, selfish and fetishistic behavior is NOT something I associate my being trans with….it is far deeper and far more important than some sexual kink, and yes, I feel for the poor wives who find out if their husband is a crossdressing fetishist. Just don’t include me in that definition…I am transgendered, period. I hang out with more transsexuals than crossdressers, and I have more in common with them than I do those at the opposite end of the trans spectrum.
I feel it is the duty of anyone who is transgendered to get couples therapy regardless of how well it fits in. Being married to us, regardless of motive, is difficult to say the least. Our wives struggle with their own identities and orientations once they know their husband is transgendered. If we lived in a tolerant society many of these problems wouldn’t exist for transpeople.
That road is being blazed by the many TS men and women who are bravely coming out and putting themselves out there via the media….a few selfish fetishists threaten real progress….
Not so much a rant as a statement of fact. Yes; Dee has had a great many more than a few ladies with bad experiences, and that’s why her site was set up. And that is also why the site is well used, valid and valuable.
Although it’s possible to ‘accommodate’ cross dressing within a marriage, there is no logical reason on earth why any woman should be expected to accept it.
There is no doubt whatever that any man who is courting seriously should tell his lady if he is a crossdresser before they get married. This will give her the choice of how to deal with it, or indeed whether she wants to deal with it. To suddenly slap her in the face with it after years of marriage is most unfair, bound to be traumatic to her, and it should be no surprise if she is unable to accept it – why should she?
Certainly I am not in the least proud of the fact that I did not tell my wife until we’d been married for nine years. I did so only after I had been incommunicative for over a year through the stress of not being able to dress, and told her at the nuclear peak of an argument over other matters.
It was my great good fortune that she was able to accept it, and became a great help to me – and many others – in later years. We survived, and this year will see our 39th anniversary. But I could not have blamed her had she rejected me, and our ways had parted.
Let’s face it; transvestism is inherently selfish and illogical, however you consider it.
Tasi and Melissam say that crossdressing can be accommodated given that there is love and understanding. Yes; a lot of truth there, and I am very conscious of my good luck in that way.
But I wonder if any crossdressers have ever thought of it this way:
Supposing you suddenly found out that your wife liked to strap down her bosom and dress as a man, pad out the front of her trousers and put on a false moustache – just so she could go out with a few guys for a few beers and a game of bowls. All quite innocent and good fun.
Could you accept it?
I am not at all sure that I could, even after my own experiences. I’m afraid that I am not at all sure I could be as tolerant as my lovely wife has been of me.
Wow. Dee I think you are painting all of us with such a broad, nasty paintbrush we will never be held in high regard by you. You forget some of us did disclose before marriage, have happy marriages and that being transgender ADDS a dimension to my dynamic marriage. Not all of us are panty wearing fetishists hiding in the closet. Some of us take this seriously, and treat our partners with respect and have boundaries.
Gees, Dee. That is some rant. You must have had a few ladies with bad experiences since your last post or it’s very personal. I think there is a distinction here between crossdressers and transsexuals, the later which often go on to transition or live full-time. These are usually marriage breakers. but straight crossdressing in my view can be accomodated within the marriage if there is love and caring between the partners. If we are going to start suing for not telling the truth (if you know the truth when first married) the courts won’t be able to keep up with the cases.