Ask Amanita
Amanita,
I have finally found out who I am and it has taken a while. Now, I am sure (even though doubt creeps in every now and then, but I hear that is normal). I want to tell the world! I have told some close friends and they have been great. Now, I want to tell a friend who has been my best friends for a while. I love her so much. But – unfortunately – I’ve heard her say homophobic and transphobic things before. So, I’m really scared to tell her. Do you have any advice?
Dinah
Dear Dinah,
First: I’m so happy for you. You have done the tough work of figuring out your true self in a world that makes such discovery incredibly difficult. I am honored that you would reach out to me and thankful that your authentic light is now shining brightly for increasing numbers to see.
It’s great to hear that you have been accepted by those told so far. When my partner and I told our surrounding about her coming out, we had some lovely first reactions. But we knew that others would be more difficult. With some people it was a tough and damaging first year. We lost some friends and family members, some of them had been best friends before. We have found new chosen family members and new friends afterwards, but the losses still hurt.
I’m not sure if you will be able to avoid this pain, and I am sorry for that. It’s not fair. From what you say about your friend, it may be that she chooses to reject the true you. It may also be that you reject the current version of her. Homophobia and transphobia often become harder to forgive and tolerate after you come out. After you know about the suffering in our communities. And, of course, it may be that she comes around. That she learns from you or from other trans people or because society learns. Until then I can recommend a couple of things.
First, be authentic. Tell your friend how much your friendship means to you. Show your pain. your fear. Tell her how much you value her friendship. Tell her it’s understandable to be phobic in a society like ours. We ALL need education, including LGBTQ+ people. I used to be transphobic. Everyone on Earth has been, to different degrees. We grow. Will she grow with you? Perhaps that is the most important commitment she needs to make.
Second, you may want to point her to some good content. Love Lives Here is a phenomenal book by Amanda Knox. Riley Dennis on YouTube. Harvard brain studies on trans people.
Ultimately, who you spend your time with is an incredibly important decision that you get to make. Losing friends hurts a lot, but my wife and I are thankful for the time we had and thankful for the new people that the losses allowed us to discover. You deserve to be embraced by all who are in your life. Your time is yours to share with those lucky enough to know and love the true you. You are worthy of such love and respect. You are a beautiful human with completely normal gender and sexuality. This morning my wife told me that a butterfly’s eyes don’t allow them to see their own wings and their beauty. Such a profound symbol. But others see you. If you show them your true colors, they can reflect your beauty back at you.
Fly and shine. If others choose not to join you, it is their loss.
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Category: Transgender Body & Soul
About the Author (Author Profile)
Amanita is honored to accompany trans people from all around the world. She has experienced transitioning with her partner, who came out as trans shortly after they met. Then, she supported friends, acquaintances and trans people in her local community. She now dedicates her pedagogical and psychological counseling to trans people around the world online. She is co-author of "A Love Letter. To You" (Lia Lovelace, Amanita M. Nomi).Subscribe
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