A Trip To See Mom

A sunset photo taken by Amanda on her trip to visit her mom.

I had not seen my Mom since August 2017. I was living in California, as some of you may know. (What a saga that was, eh?) I last saw my mother at her home in Florida in August of 2014, right before I left for La La Land, and only saw her that once after a 4000 mile round trip to Oklahoma City and back to San Francisco for a little immediate family reunion. It had been almost 5 years since I came to Florida to see her in her “natural habitat,” as I call it. She lives in Southwest Florida, where the sun shines and the warm waters tickle your body with dreamy caresses. Ahhh, I missed those waters. I had not been on that beach for what seemed like an eternity. 

I found myself a little apprehensive to go on the trip for some reason. I mean, there is my anxiety, which is a big problem. But, I shan’t talk about such things since they have been well documented in this column. I want to concentrate on how good it felt to be with Mom. 

Oh, by the way, there was the tiny matter of my 50th birthday. Yes, it’s true, 1969 was my year. It was the year of Woodstock, Apollo 11, Stonewall, the Sexual Revolution and an awesome time for Muscle Cars, which I love. I should write a column on Muscle Cars. I do have a FB group called Transaxle if anyone wants to come on over. It is for transgender identifying people who love cars, trucks, hot rods, and whatever goes fast and has wheels. But, I digress. Perhaps, I cannot believe I am 50 and I am stalling. 

Okay, So I am 50 years old, a half of a century. That’s pretty cool. I made it. I am, as of this writing, 50 and 11 days old. So really, now I can say…”Hey, I am only 50!!” Ha haaaa! All of those 58-year-olds are shaking their fists at my whippersnapper-ness. Mom says she would love to be only 50 again. She is a young 71. I suppose it is all relative. Is 50 the new 40? I don’t feel 50. What is 50 supposed to feel like anyway? I guess, for me…like this. 

I wanted to celebrate my 50th with my Mom. It wasn’t really planned, but it just happened to work out when my Mom was not dog-sitting. May 1st is my birthday, and that would fall in the middle of my trip. It worked out perfectly. I knew it would be a long drive, but after the monster 3000 mile drive back to the East in December, this wouldn’t be too bad. It would be about an 1150 mile trip one way. I planned on stopping in South Carolina, my old stomping grounds, to stay with my friend Marsha. It was nearly halfway, and it would not only save me money on a hotel, but give me a chance to see my good friend again. 

I was my first time being back in South Carolina since leaving in late 2014. It had not changed a bit. Surprisingly, it felt home-like. I traveled the same stretch of I-20 from Florence to Columbia as I did when my partner and I moved to Camden and I drove into Columbia to work at Target. Driving 30 miles to a retail job was not ideal, but the closer store didn’t hire me. I remember listening to a lot of music on those trips to work, including the Frozen Soundtrack and Against Me!’s Transgender Dysphoria Blues. Those two CD’s stayed in my car for long periods at a time. I also thought about those 30 some miles from Camden to Columbia, and remembered my 35 mile, 15 hour walk I did in September 2013 for my friend Lisa Empanada, who tragically took her own life. The road I took paralleled I-20, and was the original road to Columbia. What I did in my car in 30 minutes going 70 mph took me a grueling, blister-filled, and torturous 15 hours to walk. But, as Marsha says, You did it, and you didn’t give up. Lord knows I wanted to, but Marsha followed me for the last agonizing 5 miles telling me not to give up before I got to the courthouse, located in the center of town, or I would regret it for the next  50 years. I made it, and I was glad. My toes were not, but somewhere, I thought, Lisa was smiling down on me as I lit a candle for her on the steps of the courthouse with a small photo. The pain in my feet, legs and back were nothing compared to the pain she must have felt.

After my overnight in ole’ SC, I continued on down to Southwest Florida. As I remembered, Florida is loooooooong. It takes forever to get from the border to the southern areas. My anxiety level stayed pretty good and I was just looking forward to seeing Mom. I drove mostly in the afternoon and evening. I got to my Mom’s house somewhere between 11 p.m. and 12 a.m. Mom enjoyed guiding me in on the phone and watched me come down the road and into the perfect parking spot, right under her modest, 5th floor condo across the street from the beach. I finally was back in Florida after 5 years! 

The next morning, I awoke in a panic. I guess I didn’t know where I was for 2 seconds. I will just say that I battled a good bit of anxiety while on the trip. However, we are not going there, right? It was the Tuesday before my birthday. We decided that a trip down to the pool was a good way to get started. I actually relaxed pretty well down there poolside. In fact, just like last time I visited in 2014, I fell asleep. I was so exhausted from many things. Last time, I fell asleep on the beach, this time, it was on a rubber-slatted pool lounger in the late afternoon partial shade. It felt good to just let go. 

Cake!

Wednesday, May 1st was my birthday, and I was determined to make it a good day. I wanted to go to the beach. It took a while for me to get going, but we made it down there. The water was warm and the ocean was nearly flat. Schools of minnows crowded near the shore in darkened swaths. I threw a shell in and watched them scatter instantly, only to slowly congeal back into their harmonious swaths. A heron plucked along, looking for his evening meal, every so often, deftly plunging his head into the water to catch his prey. The warm, lazy waters shimmered in the sinking sun’s light as my feet made disappearing footprints in the watery sand. I love to just sit and watch the goings on and listen to the ocean. I can sit for hours like that. There is something magical about where the land meets the sea. It is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega. Sunset on the Gulf side is amazing. As usual, I texted my friend Dani in Louisiana and said I was waving across the Gulf at her. It’s a thing I do.  

That night, Mom and I went to Coconut Jack’s for some delish seafood. I had not had Gulf Grouper in a long time. Hell, I had not had fish in a long time, except for a Filet-O Fish in March, but no one is really sure what’s in a Filet-O Fish. This was fresh-caught Gulf Grouper. This was my birthday meal. I was 50. That number still seems weird to say and write. My Mom had a cake waiting for me back at her condo. I did spy it under a towel in the fridge, but I never peeked at it. It was a white cake with light pink icing. My absolute favorite is wedding cake, but this was a special cake. It was 4 thin layers and it was tall! A chunk of that and some fudgie vanilla ice cream topped off the day. It was so moving to hear my Mom sing Happy Birthday to me and do a little funny dance. Those are the moments that are burned into you memory forever. It was an instant Classic Mom Memory.

The beach near Mom’s.

The next 3 days were about the same. I just wanted to be on that beach and to try to relax. I even stayed an extra day because I didn’t want to leave Mom or the beach. For dinners, we went across the street to the local restaurant/lounge for some good grub. I felt myself dreading leaving Mom before I even left Mom. But, I think I had been through so much, and was still going through so much, that I just wanted to pretend that I was protected by Mom again. She could watch over me. 

Leaving Mom’s on that Sunday was hard. I cried of course, many times. I saw Mom waving to me from her parking lot and immediately the waterworks began. That gets me every time. Yeah, I know I am no longer an entire country away anymore, but I am, and have been going through a lot of hardship lately, and Mom’s was an island in that sea of sorrow. I knew that stress, joblessness and uncertainty were waiting for me back in Baltimore. Even staying at Marsha’s was a little tense, because she was giving me some tough love. But, I had to get back to reality and to my sweet kitty Kona, waiting at home, wondering why I left her. 

The drive home went well and was fairly relaxing. I thought a lot, but listened to a lot of music and used Waze to chart the roads and issue warnings to other drivers about hazards, police, or traffic. It was good to get home to my kitty and to my own bed. Sleeping on rollaway beds and couches are not the best for comfort. There is nothing like your bed. I love bed. In fact, I am heading to my bed with my kitty right now. It is late. Tomorrow is a new day. Here is to a better decade for me. I pray that my 50s are much better than my 30s and 40s.

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Tags: family, featured, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul