How to Be Completely Femtabulous

| May 13, 2019
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Psssst. . .  Hey wanna know my secret for being completely femtabulous? It’s really quite simple. Accentuate the positive at all times and be assertive. As far as I know, I invented the word femtabulous, so naturally I am a world expert on being femtabulous.

Femtabulous is a little bit over the top, but being femtabulous gets you noticed. For example, I have a fine collection of antique cocktail rings. By adding and subtracting rings, I can dial in the exact level of femtabulous that I need to suit my mood. One ring on my left ring finger is the baseline level for when I just want to feel femtabulous. Rings on each ring finger dials the level up to completely femtabulous and if I am in the mood to really bring the fun, I will wear pinky rings on each hand, which puts me on a non-stop flight to Femtabulous Land.

I have received countless compliments on my rings and that makes me feel good. But, I always try to strike first and compliment someone else on their bling, or their nails, or their dress. It’s a great conversation starter and meeting people generally requires talking to them. And meeting people can lead to dating.

ThatswhatImtalkinabout. Dating with a capital D. Friday night is fast approaching and I don’t have a date, but I do have plans to attend the next installment of the Sip City Mixer, which is a monthly lesbian meetup. Hmm. . . what to wear? Okay, so thinking back to one of my all-time favorite movies Working Girl with Melanie Griffith: “You’ve got to use what you’ve got [to get] what you need.” And clearly, I need a date. I love fashion, but it is time to ask the question:

Does Fashion Lead to Passion?

Like every other woman on the planet, I obsess about my figure. Over the years, I have developed a keen sense of which styles flatter my figure and which will remain hanging in the closet until I donate them to Goodwill. I am in the process of upgrading my wardrobe, creating a fashion greatest hits club re-mix so to speak, so there’s been a lot of donating going on lately. Out with the old in the new.

Since I am a tall girl one of my biggest challenges is finding tops and pants that are long enough. So, it is with dates. I am generally attracted to tall people (gender is optional, I don’t want to get too picky). Ideally boyfriends should be taller than me, and having a girlfriend who shares my dress size is a huge plus as it opens up endless possibilities for clothes swapping.

Lately, my figure has become more curvaceous thanks to hormones and surgery. Clearly it is time to capitalize on these new assets with plunging necklines and styles that create the illusion of a waistline. Swimsuit season is fast approaching and buying a new swimsuit will be a labor of love.

Overall, I would say that I am fashion conscious. You might even say that I am a fashionista. With over 60 dresses and 250 pairs of shoes in my closet I think I qualify for fashionista status. But is my endless search for the perfect dress getting me anywhere in the dating scene? That’s the real question here.

Being fashionable is essential for feeling femtabulous. And when I am feeling femtabulous, I emit good vibes, and good vibes can make things happen. Debbie Downer types might say I am superficial. But just keep in mind that superficial can be super.

Throw out the lifeline, I am getting way too carried away here. My mission, should I choose to accept it is to date men. Never mind that my dating resume doesn’t include any recent experiences in that area. I guess you could say that I am looking for an entry level position. I am well-skilled at double entendre and I am sure that I will be receptive to penetrating questions as I am being interviewed by well-qualified candidates. I’ve embraced the changes of gender transition and now it’s time to find someone to embrace the new me.

I have diverged away from the male flock and am now flying with the females. Clearly, I need to do some market research to see which plumage work the best for attracting potential mates. I believe the term is club wear. My shoe collection positively reeks of sex, but my current selection of tops and dresses radiate the soccer Mom look.

I will also have to master the classic mating dance moves of the female, aka body language. I’ll start with a barstool perch leg dangle and add in a hair flip. Maybe add in a sideways glance with a wink. Bar seat selection is crucial, it always helps to be next to the person you want to flirt with.

So, as you may recall, I signed up for OKCupid a couple of months and the initial results were not very, shall we say, stimulating? To test the waters, I had checked the box for interested in women, but not the one for men. As you know, men cannot read, but like to look at pictures. I would say my male to female ratio of likes was about 80/20. Over a couples of months, I had accumulated about 100 likes though an exact tally is elusive because I weeded the herd in a haphazard fashion.

Lynda bland photo.

Lynda’s old photo.

I compared notes with an attractive transgender woman, who’s a good friend of mine and she reported that she had over 1,200 likes. She had posted some pretty snazzy photos of herself and my profile picture was nice but pretty boring (see photo on the right). Sexier than an Amish school girl, but not by much. So, I went back to the drawing board.

One morning on my train ride into Philadelphia along the scenic Schuylkill River, I decided to up my game. I scrolled through the archives to look for the sexiest shot of me (see photo 2). And then I checked the box that says I am interested in everyone, both men and women. Sexual orientation undetermined. That means I’m checking out the guys and the girls, when I am perched on a barstool doing the leg dangle thing and twirling my hair.

If you are a trans woman and you like men are you gay or straight? That’s a rhetorical question too complex for the likes of a monthly blog that like Seinfield is really a blog about nothing. Of course, if you would like to opine about this vital issue feel free to add a comment in the comments section. You’ll have the distinction of being the first. Go ahead, make my day. Bottomline: I am into labels on clothes, but not people.

Any who — ninety minutes after posting my new and improved profile, I had over 30 likes including a medical executive. He sounds promising. I’m thinking he’s probably got a nice supply of Viagra in his medicine chest. . . we’ll be dining at the finest restaurants in toney Rittenhouse Square sharing bottles of Malbec from Argentina, I just know it. I haven’t heard from him. . . yet. Meanwhile, I am accumulating likes and messages from men every single day. The male to female ratio is now about 90/10, maybe 95/5.

Lynda's sexy photo.

Now that’s more like it.

Look, it’s taking me awhile to catch on to this whole internet dating scene. I was just about ready to scrap it, but now I just might be getting the hang of it. Clearly, the correct use of fashion leads to likes on dating sites, but will it lead to passion? Stay tuned. Last night’s plan to hit the Sip City Mixer was scrapped, no big deal. I went shopping for foundation makeup instead. Then, since I was a few steps away from the escalator I decided that I should peruse the dress department, just in case there was a sale. I found a killer little black dress with some trendy lattice work at the bodice and it was 25% off, so I tried in on. Looks like I was poured into it. Purrfekt! Now, I just need the right occasion to unveil it.

Saturday night is approaching and my girlfiend (I’m sorry I meant girlfriend) and I are headed out for an evening of Thai food and bar hopping. I’m not ready to cut the tags and hanger straps off my new dress just yet. In case you were wondering, yes, it is perfectly legal to cut off the hanger straps, you can cite this very article if someone questions you about it. I think I will wear the low-cut print dress I bought at Oh La La Consignment Store in Lancaster, Pennsylvania on Wednesday. They are trans friendly by the way. Look, I gotta run. TTYL.

“What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret old chum. Come to the Cabaret.”

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Category: Transgender How To

Lynda Martini

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