A Rachel by Any Other Name?

Rachel and Kaelin, New Year’s Eve 2011

This is about the attitude we, the trans community, may have about “others” not using proper pronouns and names when referring to us, which I have no problem with, believe me, although I always feel better when I am referred to in the feminine, and everyone has the right to be seen and acted towards, exactly as they want.

On a personal level though, I try to be very forgiving when it’s about the way my close friends and family refer to me when I’m with them. These are people who have known me as Ray, “the regular guy,” some of them for a long, long, time. I look at anything other than Rachel as a pet name/nickname when it come from those I love and have had long relationships with. I realize they have a transition of their own to go through and I have to be as loving and as patient with them during their journey as I need them to be for me. My life partner, S.J., still calls me Honey Bear and I relate that to one of my gentle heros, Winny The Pooh, a gentle trans-bear if I ever saw one!

Two of my best friends (Ed & Lyn) call me, Ray-Ray or Rachel-Ray and often now, just Rachel. Ed used to call me “Rainman” and I kind of miss it now. They were the first two after S.J. that knew of me as Rachel. My sister calls me her Bro-ster. That really cracked me up when she first said it! I have one friend (Kathleen) who calls me Rachel and uses the proper pronouns and name all the time, and I do so appreciate it.

Rachel with Touch The Sky

The guys in my band, Touch The Sky still call me “Ray or dude or man” even when I’m wearing makeup. They are all “guy guys” and it’s probably going to take them a while to use the feminine. Thats okay, because they still want to play music with me and they all give me a hug when rehearsals over. (I know, awwww.)

I have two customers (I do home repairs and remodeling, for anyone interested) that say “hi Rachel” in the morning when I first get there. Then by the end of the day they call me Ray? That’s weird, but it’s okay.

I have cousins from my fathers side, that still call me “Ra-ra” Like a cheer — rah-rah, and my mothers side use “Ra-mi” like Ray-Me, And many others who have different versions of all the above. Some catch themselves and go “Ra…. chel.” Getting closer!

The girls in my other band Radium Angels and in my trans community of girl friends call me Rachel and Rach … or bitch!

Radium Angels

The girls and guys at my bank go back and forth with “Hi Ray!” Or “Hi Rachel!” But either way they refer to me, they say it with a big smile and ask me about my weekend because they know how exciting my life is. (Oh boy! He, he.)

I make a lot of comments to news items on the Net, on different topics and always get in on trans items/issues as I have said before and then someone will comment on my comment and it becomes a conversation. What I glean from most people that I get into it with is, they don’t have an attitude about gay people or trans people. They have a problem with feeling we are force feeding all these new rules and regulations that they have to immediately start dealing with because, “We are here! and We are queer!” Some of them are still trying to wrap their heads around seeing men who want to be women and women who want to be men. This has to be confusing to the average person, (Not that we aren’t average — don’t want to upset you if you are “average”).

I have had checkout clerks at different places call me ma’am, when I thought I looked totally like a male and buddy or sir, when I had my makeup on. Yeah, right! I do get the occasional retail sales person who will immediately tell me I have awesome shoes!

I have a thing I say when someone refers to me as Ray, then quickly says, “I mean Rachel” I just say thats okay, call me what makes you feel comfortable, but don’t call me, LATE FOR DINNER! They laugh and that embarrassing moment a “moment ago” is gone, and because I had fun with them and eased their tension, more of them call me Rachel every day.

With friends and life partner.

Two schoolgirls at The Laptop Lounge

I feel if I want to be accepted, I must accept, I must stay calm and adult. I try to be or feel regular or average when I’m in a public space, even if I’m dressed to the nines and headed for the Laptop Lounge party stopping into a Wawa (Ed. Note: Local area convenience store) for some mints. My mantra; I need mints, I’m in the Wawa, I belong here, and don’t bother me! and no one does!

I had my own (train wreck) of not using the proper pronoun when at a “queer fest” while talking to someone who for all intent and purposes looked acted and sounded male, clothing and mannerisms and all, Oh my! We were sitting in a circle around a bonfire and someone missed part of the conversation and I chimed in “He said…” and before I got another word out, three people corrected me with “SHE SAID!” Okay, Okay! Calm down, I just met this person, (3 freakin’ seconds ago) don’t I even get a “Onezee?” I really felt stupid and ashamed. That didn’t feel good and I don’t ever want my friends and loved ones to feel like that.

With Victoria

Transition for some is life long, and life long family and friends have a “lot” to let go of, before they embrace the new me. Hey, I don’t like letting go either! It’s like suddenly being told by a friend, “Blue is now red.” Wha… wha… what? It took me over 50 years to accept myself. It may take some of them years to accept calling me Rachel. I know they love me, no matter what they call me. If they call me any other name but Rachel, I try to see it as my pet name, nick name, my special friend name, etc. And for people who don’t know me, as long as they aren’t showing me any disrespectful attitude, or smart mouth, I roll with it. I see myself as a representative of the trans community, and by not being reactive when someone uses incorrect terms, it doesn’t put them on the defensive, and gives them a chance to catch up at their own pace. If I do feel the need to correct someone I do it calmly with a smile and say something like, “I prefer to be called, “she or Rachel” and I try to do it at a volume that doesn’t draw the attention of everyone around us. Most people come around and a lot will even ask me first. Even vendors at the local flea market who I don’t really know are starting to say, “Hi, Rachel.” Then I have to buy something from them. I guess I can use another pair of earrings. (He, he, he.) Okay, whats for dinner?

Love and respect

Rachel Xaviera, Rachel-Ray, Ray Ray, Ra-Ra, Ra-mi, Rach, Rainman, Honey Bear, Bro-ster, Dude, Ray, Ma’am, “Sir” (That one bothers me a little bit) oh — and BITCH! LOL!

Tags: featured, Identity, opinion, passing, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion