Wondering About Halloween

| Nov 3, 2014
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Halloween has come and gone. Yet again, it makes me wonder. While I wonder, I’ll tell you a story.

Six years ago, I stepped outside my door for the first time as a woman. It was Halloween 2008. The costume was Lois Lane to my wife’s Clark Kent. We’d done the same duo the year before, but I was Clark. In 2008, at my Wife’s birthday dinner on the 25th, she suggested that we reverse roles. Then dinner arrived and we didn’t discuss it any more.

That night and the next morning, my head spun. Did she really mean it? I’d suppressed my feminine side for over twenty years at that point, but already cracks in the walls were appearing. I’d started reading TG fiction. In my dreams, occasionally I was female and happy. I told no one.

So. The 26th I decided that I would do it — I’d dress as a woman for Halloween. Part of me wanted to prove to myself that I was stronger than my feminine side. I wanted to fail — to see how ugly I’d look and purge it all forever. I would have five days to assemble an outfit. I ordered butt pads and a wig from an online dealer, and enlisted the aid of a female co-worker. She was happy to help.

With her, I selected a sweater and long skirt at Lane Bryant. I also bought a bra — 40 D. I’d fill it using a cut up pair of pantyhose filled with bird seed. I also bought a cheap corset from Fredericks of Hollywood. I found shoes at Nordstrom Rack. All of this was purchased with the earnest explanation that it was for Halloween.

I have a friend who is a hairdresser and makeup artist. She also agreed to help. It helped that we were also attending her party that night: my wife, then one year old daughter, and I.

I ran a few test runs after everyone was asleep on the days before Halloween. And yes, I took pictures, which I’ve never shown anyone.

Halloween night arrived. I worked that day, returned to the house, and showered. In the shower, I shaved my legs, then my face. I then used deodorant and put everything on. I looked in the mirror, and looking back to me was a guy dressed up for Halloween.

I stepped out of the bathroom, camera in hand to photograph Wife’s reaction. She sneered in disgust. I tossed her my Superman shirt and reminded her of the costumes she’d suggested. She changed into her outfit as I watched the baby, and we were off to the party.

At the party, my friend did my makeup and glued fake nails to my fingertips. More pictures were taken. Wife then excused herself to take the baby home, and I went to visit my place of employment. I wasn’t recognized until I opened my mouth, and then everyone had to get a look. More pictures were taken.

Sophie in costume

First Night, 2008

From there, a bunch of people went to a local bar. I sat at the bar, talking to what I thought were a couple, but they were “just friends.” She gave me some tips on feminine comportment. Then I sat with my coworkers and had a wonderful time.

Driving home that night, I pulled over to the side of the road and looked down at myself. I was wearing a skirt! I had breasts! But, by using the cloak of Halloween night, no one really cared. I was just another guy dressed for the night.

But I realized how much I’d missed dressing that way… and more cracks appeared in the wall. I arrived back at the house and took more pictures, believing that this would be the last time I’d ever be dressed this way again.

I went to bed after three a.m.

The days after, I heard all the jokes from my coworkers. One of them said I looked like Linda Tripp (look her up, youngsters.) The head manager wondered aloud if this was something I did a lot. I blushed and denied it.

But the Wall I’d built was crumbling. My feminine self was breaking through. Being a woman was all I could think about. It distracted my days and filled my nights. I started doing research online about transgenderism. I talked to my therapist at the time. She asked if this was something I wanted to do again, and I said that it was a fun one shot.

A few months later, I was talking to a new therapist — one of the leading gender specialists.

So. Back to wondering. I’ve heard of many TGs whose first time out was on the relative safety of Halloween night. I’ve spoken with many who told me that Halloween was the only time they COULD dress and go out, and they spent the rest of the year suffering.

Halloween 2014

Halloween 2014

So, Halloween 2014 has passed, and I wonder. I wonder how many people were like that overweight angry guy who was out and about in a long plaid skirt. How many of those found their True Selves for the first time last Friday night? How many lives have irrevocably changed?

And those lives that changed affect other lives… what about them?

I spent Halloween 2014 in Baltimore with friends and a Ghost — the Spirit of one so dearly missed. I am full time as a woman now. I still own that outfit, but I’ve only ever worn it again once. The skirt is now in storage, along with my gowns and costumes and boxes of things from that life that changed.

Halloween has magic to be sure. Sometimes for good; sometimes for ill.

And for those of you and found yourself last Friday night, the Journey can be so very hard, but it CAN be followed if you truly must do so. You have joined a sisterhood that is there for you. All you have to do is ask.

I hope your Halloween was all that you wished of it.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

Sophie Lynne

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https://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/

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