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Why am I still here?

| Sep 3, 2018
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Why am I still here? Right now, I sit in the parking lot of my store. I’m waiting for my roommate to go on lunch. I feel okay today but I got really nervous for a friend who was having her GRS. It went so long and then she finally posted that she was okay. I’ve got another good friend getting her surgery on Sept 5. Ugh…too much.

What am I doing here? I ask myself that daily, literally, daily. Every day, I picture myself filling my car with my belongings after a two week notice at work and saying goodbye to the Pacific sunsets, and hello to the Atlantic sunrises. This could coincide with my four year anniversary of me being out here in this strange land of California. I arrived in California with exuberance on October 27th 2014. I entered the San Francisco Bay Area the next day. 

The wonderful things here are truly wonderful. I love cars and this is muscle car, classic car and sports car heaven. Hell, they are daily driving ’65 Mustangs on the roads. I’ve seen preserved versions of every car that I have ever owned.

 The weather is generally great and temperate. It can get hot outside the inner Bay Area, but it cools off into the 50s or 60s for great sleeping. Right now, it is sunset and a nice 68°. It was about 75 today here in the Diablo Valley. No humidity. The air feels so perfect on your skin. A hoodie for night is a good thing to have with you. It has been sunny since ohhhh…April maybe. Like…every day. Sunny. Now, the forest fires have been a problem lately, but those are contained and should be out soon. The smoke was bad for a while. 

The beauty and mountains of this area are legendary. Endless adventure awaits at all times. You could live a lifetime here probably, and never see it all. Some things you just can’t believe you are seeing. It is a living postcard. 

I was in a good mood when I started writing this. It is later on and that has changed. Which leads me back into why am I still here? What the hell am I doing? Well…if you have followed my columns, you will know that I have had troubles and hardships here in California. I wanted to keep the tone of this column positive this week. I really don’t know what the hell I am doing though. I feel so lost. 

I don’t know what happened to my life. I can point to occurrences that were turning points. Coming here to Cali was one of them. It was a life-changing move that was full of bumps. It was not a smooth move. But, I was determined to come here to live in The Bay Area of San Francisco. It was my dream. 

But, even with the cars, the weather, the mountains, the Bay, the City, the endless adventure, I STILL feel an emptiness and isolating loneliness. I don’t know if that would be soothed by moving back to the East Coast. I would still be Me and I would still have my emotions. However, I keep hoping that being closer in proximity to family and a plethora of friends would at least feel better. Also, the cost of living would be significantly less. I would actually have a chance to make it on my own instead of hanging out in a gracious friend’s apartment. 

Could I get it together and find the courage to fill my car with my belongings and leave this place in October? Do I secretly want to stay here because of the good things? I’m not sure it is sustainable. Moving is stressful and scary. The only way I will ever know whether living here is affecting me adversely is to move away. Like Mom says, I can always come back.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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