Where are the rules?

| Jan 21, 2013
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Several years ago, I received a very kind, inquisitive lengthy letter from a married UK crossdresser, Christine-Jane. Who knew that this male to female crossdresser would alter my perspective by ‘her’ willingness to share her knowledge with me? Prior to my contact with Christine -Jane, I had little to no contact with crossdressers (since I left my ex crossdressing husband). She befriended me and let me inside of her world. We started to share stories, photos, letters and e-mails. Today Christine -Jane still educates me as she did with her recent YouTube, My Husband Christine. Please take the time to view this fascinating, intriguing short YouTube video.


As a crossdresser did anything seem to bother you? Or did you just fall in love with Christine-Jane and her wife Helen?

I shared this intimate video with another beloved friend, cohort and MtF married crossdresser who was surprised by the video because of Christine-Jane’s appearance. I had no idea she was being judged by other crossdressers because she was not ‘playing by the rules.’ What rules? I had no clue about what is acceptable in the crossdressing world and what is not — as far as the GLBT community is concerned.

The big issue seems to be the choice that Christine-Jane has made to keep her mustache and beard; it is against the ‘normal rules for crossdressers.’ Crossdressers who dress up like women are SUPPOSED to remove their facial hair. Who knew?

What is outrageous is the prejudice of some crossdressers towards other crossdressers. I did not know of this ‘etiquette’ book on how to crossdress. But more and more of my crossdressing friends are having problems in society and it is not just the straight women and men that are bashing, criticizing and shaming so many crossdressers — it is others who are also ‘different.’

As life would have it, John, my new hair stylist is also a crossdresser. He is a straight, divorced, father with sole custody of his son and has a live-in-girlfriend. However, he is a different kind of crossdresser. A few weeks ago he told me he was out one night and had an unfortunate confrontation. A gay guy asked him, while he was in a 7-Eleven- What the F… are you? John always wears full make up and a high pony tail with his long brown hair but most of the times he wears an androgynous shirt and pants. So from the neck up he looks like a ‘regular MtF crossdresser (whatever that is) but his clothes are not consistent with looking like a female — so he gets verbally harassed by someone who should be supportive of ‘others.’

It reminds me of how some Orthodox Jews are declaring if you are not an ORTHODOX Jew — you are not a Jew. Obviously the problem is why would Jews goes against each other? If you are a Reform or Reconstructionist Jew — you are all still a Jew — who should be supporting each other. Especially after the Holocaust when millions of innocent Jews were killed. Hitler didn’t care if they were Orthodox, Reform etc — they were all Jews. And now some wish to tear them apart; in one word this is: TRAGIC.

So, the aforementioned comes to mind when I heard of this bashing and non-acceptance of other crossdressers and what they should or shouldn’t be doing. Somebody should have told my ex about shaving his beard and mustache while he ran around in my lingerie. It did not matter if he had hair on his face or not — seeing my husband in lingerie made me sick. The fact that he had facial hair meant nothing to me as an ex-crossdresser’s wife. Who cares about facial hair; the majority of crossdressers wives HATE to see their manly husbands in women’s clothes!

However, I remain puzzled by some crossdressers and gays bashing crossdressers for not doing “IT” right! It appears that if the GLBT community wants more acceptance — start with yourselves instead of being so critical, try a bit of acceptance.

Where does one go to find the etiquette book on how to crossdress — what is acceptable to the GLBT community? How can someone who is ‘different from the norm’ criticize instead of supporting others who are also different? This is not a black and white issue — who knew it was grey?

Dee A Levy
The Crossdresser’s Wife, Our Secret Lives

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion


About the Author ()

Dee A. Levy is the former spouse of a crossdresser. She has a BA in Women Studies and MA in Social Sciences and Comparative Education. She is the author of The Cross Dresser's Wife -- Our Secret Lives, available at Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, & www.crossdresserswives.com.

Comments (3)

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  1. says:

    Many people are concerned about how anothers presentation reflects on themselves I suppose..? lovely how these two people have accomodated each other …lots of love and humor

  2. Linda Jensen Linda Jensen says:

    Even the great Virginia Prince had, in my view, a pretty narrow view of what a crossdresser should/ could be or not be.
    I’ve seen leaders of support groups unintentionally drive new members away because in initial meetings they explain their small band of the CD spectrum as THE WAY.
    Hey Orthodox vs Reform, Suni vs Shiite, Protestant vs Catholic, turban Sikhs vs non-turban Sikhs etc. They all seem to teach brotherhood and acceptance but at the same time try to build up themselves by putting down others.
    It’s a big world and there is room for us all!!!

  3. Sophie Lynne Sophie Lynne says:

    I thought the only rule we had was “be kind.”


    There ARE factions, divisions, sects if you will. It comes down people trying to make themselves feel better by tearing others down. And we, as a group can’t afford that.

    Your Jews analogy is correct and perfect.

    Maybe we’ll learn. I hope so. But I doubt it.