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Wait/Weight Watchers

| Jul 26, 2006
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Over the years, I’ve voluntarily given up my transgendered pursuits several times.  It’s not purging, just a temporary suspension of activities.  For instance, after I got married, I lost interest in my femme side, and devoted all my time to my bride.

But there were also plenty of occasions where the spirit was willing, but the flesh was prevents.  For instance, there have been times when I couldn’t afford to dress up and go out.  So I didn’t.  When ever I move to a new community, I like to get the lay of the land before I “get pretty.”

Almost every time I do put my Ronnie-ness on hiatus, there’s still a desire.  And I tend to get a wee bit frustrated.  It manifests itself in dreams, and in long periods of time online.

Right now, Ronnie is gone, and gone for good.  I’m trying to lose weight, and to encourage myself, I’ve grown a beard.  A full, scratchy, sweaty, hot, ugly beard.  The idea is that as soon as I hit my target, I’ll shave it off.  But in the meantime, the beard stays.  (And no, I will not show you a picture.)

I can’t dress up with facial hair and still take myself seriously, so Ronnie is trapped in the closet until I’m skinnier than I am now. Is this healthy, or crazy?

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About the Author ()

Ronnie Rho has been writing for Transgender Forum since May of 1999. One of these days, she'll get it right. She's been described as the "world's most famous recluse," but only by people who don't know her very well. She is unmarried, and lives in Cincinnati.

Comments (3)

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  1. What you have been kind enough to share with all of us about yourself, sounds all too familiar. Even though I am now TS, and completely out of the dreaded closet, that was not always the case. It sounds like the eternal conflict that all of us live with, of two very different personalities residing within the same body. The everyday masculine one that we present to the world that makes us acceptable within our culture, and the other persona, the fem one that remains on guard and hidden. I describe this as the eternal conflict, that will always be there until, or if we are finally able to completely come out and be who we really want to be. When, or if that day should come about for you as it has for me, I can tell you it is like having a thousand pound weight lifted from your shoulders. Not only that, but if coming out is right for you, all that terrible conflict and termoil that you have been suffering with will be gone. I could be wrong, but I think that the refusal to not dress until you lose weight and the not shaving thing is really just a different way of trying to get rid of your desire to dress and to be like everyone else, and I think you are probably aware of that. I thought that once I got married I would no longer want to dress and no longer want to be a woman. At least that was what I hoped. Alas it just could not be, and once you begin to understand it better you will come to realize that it is a blessing rather than a curse. I may have gone off point a bit, or not, but it is what I wanted to say. I hope it meant something to some of you. Oh, and by the way, Ronnie I love all your posts whether I agree or not. Keep them coming.

  2. Jamie Ann says:

    For me, a desire to look as presentable as possible (in Jamie Ann mode) provides lots of motivation to try to control my weight. In fact, I am quite certain that I exercise more regularly and eat more sensibly than I would without Jamie’s constant encouragement! Growing a beard, I’m afraid, would remove this beneficial influence on my thinking and lifestyle.

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