Home » ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (Apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Sophie Lynne | Dec 24, 2012

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all were asleep
Not a creature was stirring, not even a peep.
My stockings were drying by the warm winter fire,
As were garters and bras and other attire.

My breast forms, unglued, were safe in their box,
As were all my wigs with long brunette locks.
Ready in my nightie to bed I did creep,
After the long day I needed some sleep.

When out on the lawn there arose such a noise,
I jumped from my bed forgetting all poise.
Tripped over my pumps and fell to the floor,
Oh in the morning I’m going to be sore!

I ran to the window and out I did peek
The source of the noise is what I did seek.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a giant sleigh, and eight slender reindeer.

With a fabulous driver, so lively and rarin’
I knew in a moment it must be St. Karen.
More rapid than eagles her coursers they came,
And she posed, and she preened, and called them by name!

“Now Lisa! Now, Jenny! Now, Donna and Vixen!
On, Charlotte! On, Jone! On Deborah and Kitten!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now mince away! Mince away! Mince away all!”

Like pretty plumed birds they danced through the sky,
Shimmering and shining and hair full of dye.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Karen too.

And then on the roof, the sound did reveal
The prancing and dancing of each little heel.
I flew around and toward the door I advanced,
When in came St. Karen with a grand entrance!

She was trimmed all in fur, from her head to her toe,
And her dress was red sequined with a pretty green bow.
A bundle of Toys she had flung on her back,
And she looked so spectacular, just opening her pack.

Her eye makeup so hot! Lips lined with cherry!
Her cheekbones so high, her smile so merry!
Her earrings were holly of which I was fond,
And her hair was so perfect, curled and blonde!

Her breasts were so perfect with no hint of sag;
Her large hands only hinted she was in drag.
Her skirt was knee length, red lined with fur,
With black stockinged legs to make admirers purr!

She was shapely and curved, with red nails on each hand,
No one would guess she was born a man!
A wink of her eye and a smile on her lips,
She set out to work with a shake of her hips.

She spoke not a word, but opened the bag,
Filled all the stockings with beautiful swag.
And puckering up she blew me a kiss,
And away out the door went the fabulous Miss!

She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a call,
And away they all flew eastward to the mall.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”