JennaCatherine

[JennaCatherine]

Hi. I’ve been crossdressing in secret since I was a kid. The desire comes and goes but as I get older, it comes more frequently and more intensely. It’s usually strongest when I’m single and sexually dormant. When in relationships (I identify as heterosexual) the desire subsides. But now, again, alone, the further I take it the further I want to go. I am constantly buying lingerie/girly outfits/make-up/breast forms/gaffs/heels/etc and then throwing them all out on a whim, reeling with denial, only to buy it all again a short time later. I’m afraid if I go all the way en femme, aided by someone compassionate and skillful enough to teach me how to be a convincing woman, it will feel utterly perfect and I’ll have to come out to everyone and transition fully, and that scares me. I don’t hate being a man, per se, but I so often desperately want to be a woman – to have a complete woman’s body and to be naturally acknowledged as female. I don’t know what to do. I start seeing a gender therapist this weekend, she seems very kind and compassionate and just coming out to her via email/phone was transformative and has kept the “feeling” more consistent and present than it was before. I’ve started doing little things to dip my toes in, so to speak, before any real exploration is done with her. I shaved my whole body smooth (except my head) and have been keeping it smooth, painted my toenails, am subtly trying to feminize my walk a bit, I sleep in a nightie, I pee sitting down. At night after work I dress up in different outfits and heels and practice make-up (need a lot more practice) while drinking white wine. I have no idea where I’m going with this right now. I don’t know how to be.

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