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The Story of a Big Glittery Sweater Wearing Turkey

| Nov 21, 2011
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The Artist D in his annual Christmas Card Photo (2006) -- Working those hooker curls!

Whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah or something else, the holidays bring together family and friends mingled into (hopefully) festive situations. Getting together usually leaves you standing in front of the mirror wondering how to dress to impress. For me, I always get to see people during the holidays I sometimes don’t see all year round. As with most humans this leaves me hell bent on looking better than any other diva in the room! However, this holiday season I highly recommend you try not to look like the turkey you are about to feast on.

To start this holiday season I bring you a brief list of DO NOTS for the diva in us all. You’ve  seen me be over the top and suggest the push (and shove) of the envelope. But sometimes you can go too far . . .

Shall we begin with the top rated OMG this holiday season? That which I call The Holiday Sweater Fetishist. You know these people, the glamorous commoner at the family get together wearing that holiday sweater we have all grown to hate. The big fluffy knit with something bedazzled and glued onto the front of it. No matter if it’s Randolph the Glittery Reindeer, big enormous Poinsettias or a large felt talking Turkey holding up the EAT BEEF sign; this is not something to do. Think I’m stating the obvious? Think again. If I was, then why do so many trannies show up wearing sweaters with dumb things glued on them? Stop it!

A Thanksgiving Diva!

As always with every holiday, and every day, please lay off the gold lame you were drawn to during your last trip the Salvation Army Store. It didn’t look good on grandma and it won’t look good on you. Save it for the disco dance floor, Gloria.

Just because we give presents doesn’t mean you need to look like one. If you wear anything with a bow on it you may be in big trouble. The bigger the bow, the more shame we will heap upon you. It’s all very prom, and very wrong.

Whoever thought reindeer antlers or other such cute headbands were a must surely was drinking. Any headband with a light, bow, box, or part of animal must be avoided at all costs.

Speaking of things on your head, let’s not forget about things around your neck. Like the big brass bells some people are fond of wearing at a variety of occasions. Leave the holiday bells on the tree. Too much holiday jewelry (and those damn sweaters) is covered in shiny brass jingle bells. Bells on jewelry belong on dog collars.

Oh Madge! Say it ain't so?

A lot of people think that holiday dress equals metallic everything. A little shine goes a long way. Your metallic eye shadow, Hedwig glittery lips, sparkle body spray while frocked in the bedazzled flamingo cocktail dress — a Holiday party diva does not make. Think twice before overdoing the metallic look. You aren’t the Tin Man (or woman) after all.

Finally we end at your feet. Always keep in mind your surroundings and how you’re going to get there when choosing the hot pair of shoes you’ve picked out. Will it snow that night? Are you in for an ice storm? Heels and short ankle boots may not work if you live in a place with unpredictable weather. The last thing you want is to be slopping through half melted snow in open toed stilettos. Fashion is pain, but it doesn’t have to be hypothermia!

As we prepare ourselves for another round of fabulous cocktail parties, or all out galas, do take all of this sensible wisdom to heart. You can be gorgeous without being ridiculous. Oh, and another thing! Just because red and green are the upcoming Christmas colors does not mean you should wear them . . . together. If you look like a Christmas tree you indeed are a Christmas tree and I will throw tinsel at you.


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Category: Style, Transgender Fun & Entertainment

The Artist D

About the Author ()

The Artist D is a true raconteur and provocateur! He has been performing online since the mid 1990s. A relic from the cam show age before MySpace was any space. Author of In Bed with Myself, an autobiographical tale of transgenderism and Internet celebrity. Executive Editor of Fourculture Magazine and host of The Artist D's Fabulous Show. Panelist and commentator on Fourthought, a weekly live stream.

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  1. says:

    You’re a hottie, D! But I’ll save the tree suggestion for the next Hillaria. Since the next holiday event after Thanksgiving for me is Mnizourin instead of Christmas (the latter represents a foreign religion to me), I might prefer something in burlap.

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