The Stained Glass Dream: Chapter Ten Life With Baby (part 1 of 2)

| Dec 26, 2022
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After three days Amy was more than ready to come home from the hospital, both physically and mentally. She had had enough of hospital food and the nurses prodding and waking her up at odd times to change her oversized maxi pad. Finally the doctor came in and gave the all clear for Amy to go home. I got the call at work as soon as the doctor walked out the door. That night I was loading Amy and Andria, our new little girl into the car. One of the nurses supervised as I strapped the new baby into the car seat to make sure that everything was properly done.. On the way home Amy settled into the seat of the car drifting in and out of sleep. I just left her alone,she deserved to get some measure of peace. Andria slept peacefully with the movement of the car rocking her to blissful rest.

Over the next few weeks, life was certainly different than I had imagined they would be. Our normal routine was completely shattered. Even the house itself was different. My office/exercise room was turned into the baby’s nursery. The house took on the smell of spit up and breast milk and it didn’t matter what brand of air freshener you used or how many candles you lit, that smell still could be detected underneath it all. By the third week, Amy was starting to show signs of fatigue.I did try to help as much as i could, but there were just some things that were hard for me to do; like feeding the baby. Amy didn’t seem to have time or energy to breast pump so that I could bottle feed Andria. Anytime that the baby was asleep, Amy took that time to sleep also. The nights were never restful. The old expression: “sleeping like a baby”, took on a whole new meaning for me. It came to mean: waking up and crying every two hours. The baby was either hungry, needed her diaper changed, or just simply not happy about something. Yet, when Andria was sleeping and still, she took on the face of an angel.  Other times she would break out into a giggle that just made you happy and warm inside. I have never known anything like it before. Watching Amy and Andria play together in that natural way that a mother does with her new baby that was completely irresistible. Andria was totally dependent on us, yet she still showed signs of being independent. I grew to love this tiny human more than I thought possible, and in turn it made me love and respect Amy even more than I thought possible.

As the weeks went by I watched Andria as she seemed to change week by week. Each week there seemed to be a new accomplishment for her as she was struggling to reach adulthood. This made me reflect on how Amy and I got to this point in our own lives. All the mistakes that I personally had made in my life; even Amy had been no stranger to bad decisions. Still if any one of the bad choices had been made differently, we would not be here together with Andria today. If I would have never transitioned the way I did, Amy would never have been interested in the “man” that I was. If Amy’s life had been smoother without the conflicts she had experienced, she would not be the strong independent woman that attracted me in the beginning. Just when you feel like there is nothing in life to go on for, life switches things around for you. Life has a way of turning the bad into good. It makes no sense to me, but there is no denying that it is true. Take Andria for example:there are a lot of sacrifices and hardships in raising a child, but there are also experiences that can not be had any other way. The reward comes from taking the good in with the bad. I think that is the most beautiful part of living. Those are the things that you reflect on as you grow older. Still there comes a time to let the past go. To start fresh and travel down that new road. To see things in a new way. To open yourself to new feelings. To love, laugh and even cry at times. If you are able to have that one person that desires to walk with you, there is nothing else like it in the world. Society tends to get so hung up on what sex couples were born into, that the act of caring is somehow less important. If two people can find hope,love, and a future with each other; then is that really the end of civilization as we know it? I certainly don’t understand everything about life. At best I struggle to understand why it is that I do things the way I do. I definitely am not going to have the audacity to try and tell another person how they should be living their life. My wife is the real genius of our family. She has a way seeing through the physical circumstances  and speaking truth into the heart of the matter. I am often amazed at her perceptions of the day to day events. Anyway I digress from the subject of this chapter.

One night at three in the morning, Amy came into the bedroom looking frazzled and completely worn out.  The baby was having one of those restless nights where nothing that was done could console her. Amy woke me from my uneasy sleep.

“Jenifer, wake up! The baby wants you to sing to her.”

Through my haze I asked her, “How do you know that?”

‘Because nothing that I have done has made her stop to crying. I walked her back and forth in the nursery for about five miles now. I tried feeding her, her diaper is still dry, and I am exhausted and don’t know what else to do.”

I looked at my sweet wife. She looked as if the weight of the entire world was upon her. I simply pulled the covers back and tapped on the bed for both of them to join me. Amy placed Andria beside me and she then laid down next to the baby. I thought for a few minutes to find the right song to sing. Then I remembered an old Nat King Cole song that I learned years ago, Go to Sleep (My Sleepy Head) It wasn’t long before the baby quieted down to listen to the tones of my voice, and an even shorter time for Amy to become oblivious to the world. I was the only one that was left still wide awake. I took in every moment of that night. The two stubborn people there beside me, now still and quiet. I made a point to bookmark this scene in my memories as I knew I would be returning to this night when times would be difficult. This was our life now. Our life with baby.

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About the Author ()

I am a trans girl of a certain age. I have been out and full time since 2017. So that means that I did not transition until later in life. I have two ex-wives and four older boys. Trust me when I say I have made enough mistakes for ten people. I am currently engaged to a beautiful woman who did not come along until I was well into who I am now. I now live in Houston Texas. I love who I am, and love being a girl. Instagram @Chrissy Gann

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