The Stained Glass Dream, Chapter 5

Baby Likes Champagne

I had been setting my phone alarm to go off forty five minutes early in the morning for the past two weeks. However, this morning Amy rolled over and looked at me. She was still half asleep and with her hair falling in front of her eyes. Her brain was still shrouded in that morning fog. She spoke to me as I was sitting up in bed.

“Cupcake, why are you getting up this early? Come on and lay back down, then you can focus on me for a little bit before you have to go to work.”

I inhaled deeply and looking over my shoulder I spoke to her. “Trust me baby girl I would like nothing better than to give you all my attention, but I need time to get back to my place so I can get ready for work.

The fog was beginning to lift from Amy’s brain as she was starting to grasp what was going on. Moving her shoulders to get closer to me, she offered a suggestion. “I know a way to get out of waking up this early, and it would save both of us money too.”

I smiled at her, “I’m sure you have lots of ideas. We’ll talk about them later. Okay?”

“Why can’t we talk about it now? I mean how long does it take to say: I know

what you’re thinking and it’s a great idea?”

I got out of bed and started to put on just enough clothes to be able to get back to my place. Then I walked over to the bed and leaned over to kiss her. “Seriously, I don’t have time to get into this right now. Ohh, while I’m thinking about it: don’t forget that I have my first visit with the Endocrinologist on Wednesday.”

“Seriously? You have time to say that, but you can’t say moving in together is a

great idea?”

“Amy, all I said was we can talk about it later. You are making too much out of this.”

Amy rolled over and faced the other direction before I could kiss her goodbye. Then mumbling under her breath I could hear say, “Fine. You had better get going then. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for making you late for work.”

I kissed her on the cheek even though she didn’t reciprocate. Raising my hands slightly in that: I don’t know what to do gesture, I turned to walk out of the bedroom. I stopped at the door knowing I was in trouble. I turned and with as much emotion as I could muster, I said to her, “Amy? I do love you. Okay?”

I heard her mumble out, “love you too.” I then turned again to leave for my place and get ready for work. However, I could not stop thinking about the morning events. As I was getting dressed I called Amy and tried to assure her that I thought moving in together was indeed a good idea, but there where things that needed to be worked out first. That I just wasn’t convinced that right now was the best time to be combining our lives together. With that thought, the conversation came to a less than satisfying ending, especially when I suggested we could talk more about it tonight.

I had left Amy’s place before my morning coffee. So I stopped at a specialty coffee house to get my brain going. As I was standing in line I heard a lady behind me and she seemed to be talking to me. So I turned to look at her and to hear what she had to say.

“I guess you’re one of those men who think they are a real woman? Well let me tell you

right now; you will never be a real woman, I don’t care how many surgery’s you have.

Do you seriously think you can know what it is like to be a woman? I don’t care what you think

you are. You will never know what it is like to grow up as a woman. You will never know how

badly a woman is treated by the patriarchal male society. You will never know how hard

it is to move forward in a career, or the pain of giving birth. All you know is what it like to grow up with that male privilege.”

After the morning’s events with Amy, I was in no mood for a reasonable and intelligent debate. So I decided to go for the short and direct approach.

“First off I don’t really care about your internal hatred of men. Second, you’re right, I will never know what it is like to grow up a girl. However, you will never know what it is like to grow up stuck between two genders, not really a boy and not a girl either. And as far as this male privilege you are talking about; I’ve never had the honor of being a part of it. You see I never fit in with either gender, so I grew up mostly alone because other kids could tell that I was different from them. And one other thing: you are flat out wrong about me not understanding how a woman is treated by men; since I have started living my truth full time , I get treated as a woman by men. I know the harshness of some men’s attitudes. Now tell me, what have we proved with this conversation? Have we come to an agreement or understanding? No, I don’t think so. You are not even going to try to understand my point of view and right now I don’t have the patients to deal with TERFS. So if you will kindly excuse me, I would like to order my coffee.”

As soon as I got to the office I began my quest to find Karen. I needed someone who would listen to what I had to say without the personal attachment that Amy felt. I found Karen in the break room fixing a cup of hot tea and holding onto it like her life depended on it. Unintentionally, I sort of ambushed her as she was walking away. “Karen? I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me today? Amy and I are going to be discussing moving in together, and there are issues I wanted to talk out with you so that I don’t say whatever just spills out of my brain at the moment as I’m talking to Amy.”

Karen gave me a look that said, ‘why me?’, “Jennifer, I think what you mean to say is: so that you don’t screw things up beyond repair. Listen, I don’t know how much sage advice I’m going to have. I’m wore out because I’ve been up with the baby all night. Can’t we do this some other time?”

“Come on, please? I will buy. Anyway I’m not expecting you to be Phineas J. Whoopie.

Anyway it can’t wait, I told Amy we would talk about it tonight”. Karen got this strange look on her face.

“Wait a minute, Phineas J. Who?”

Suddenly I felt very old. “Whoopie. Never mind, if I have to explain it, then the analogy along with the humor is lost.”

Amy pulled out her phone to look up this mystery. “Okay, Phineas J. whoopee, also known as Mr. Know it all from the cartoon series Tennessee Tuxedo.”

Karen laughed a little and then breathed out a heavy sigh, “All right, but you know I don’t like getting involved with personal relationship issues, and don’t expect me to be too sympathetic to your side just because we are friends.”

Karen glanced at her phone again and then smiled before continuing, “Anyway I left my 3DBB at home this morning.”

That made me laugh, “That’s why you are the perfect person to talk to about this.”

Karen simply nodded her head and continued on with her journey to her desk. The rest of the morning I went through the motions of working, but to be honest; there was no real thought that went into anything I did. My mind was solely focused on Amy. I had a million emotions sailing through me, each emotion with its own accompanying thought. How could I explain to Amy or Karen what I was thinking and feeling when I wasn’t even sure myself? Still the same thoughts kept echoing in my head. How can I be absolutely certain that what Amy feels for me is true love? I mean she was the one who chased after me. It was like she was in love with me before we even kissed. Then there were the thoughts I didn’t want to have. With all the trauma that Amy had been through in her life, was she just grabbing onto the first real affection she had ever had? Then there was me; do I really love her as much as I think? Is what I’m feeling only because she is so beautiful? For the moment though I did my best to push this dark cloud from my mind and at least make an attempt at working.

I took Karen to my favorite Jewish deli. I just loved the smell and the sounds of this place. It made me feel like eating every time I went there. It was like a little piece of Jewish heaven. That is except for today. I ordered my usual roast beef on an everything bagel, sea salt chips and of course the mandatory kosher pickle spear. However, the enjoyment was somehow missing this time. Amy got the lox and bagel with the house potato salad. We picked out a small table near the window where we could watch the busy street outside. Both of us were oddly silent for a few minutes. Then Amy started the conversation rolling.

“So tell me what happened. I was under the impression that you two were joined at the hip already.”

I finished chewing and took a swallow of tea to help wash things down. “We are, or at least it feels like it. Amy is everything I could possibly want from a woman. She knows my emotions and how to deal with me when I am, well less than pleasant. I can feel her love tangibly, even when she is not touching me.”

Karen looked at me confused, “So then what is the problem? I thought you really loved her?”

I opened my bag of chips and took one out and ate it before answering.

“I do, I mean I really do love her, or at least It feels like I love her, But Karen you know it’s been less than a year ago that Lucy left me. I mean the ink on our divorce papers Is barely dry. Now here I am with another woman who wants me to set up house with her.Then what about the lease on my apartment? What if she doesn’t like my habits, or the way I do things around the house? Then I would be all alone again and probably worse off than I was before.”

Karen got serious on me. “Okay then, tell me how long? How long do you need to fall in love? Haven’t you been staying at her place for a few weeks now? Don’t you think she hasn’t notice that you are a royal pain in the ass sometimes? From what you have told me, she seems to me like an intelligent girl I think she knows what she wants. I think that it’s you that is letting your fears make this decision for you, not reality.”

I was left with absolutely nothing to say. I knew that Karen was right. I was afraid, and I was letting that fear ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me. I suddenly realized what a jerk I was. I looked at Karen and sheepishly spoke to her. “So you think I should do this?”

“Jennifer, I’m not telling you that you should do this. I’m only telling you that you are not thinking straight on this matter. Talk to her, tell her you are afraid. But most important of all, tell her that you love her, and that you realize that you were acting out of fear when she suggested that you two move in together. Talk it out calmly, and with an open heart. That’s the best I got. If you need more than that, go ask Mr. Whoopie.”

On the way home from work that night I stopped at Chow Ling’s and ordered take out. That way Amy and I could focus on our conversation instead of house chores. When I got to her place I found her sitting on the couch with her back leaning on the arm of the sofa and her knees sticking with her feet on the cushions. She had a glass of wine and a decorator’s magazine. She looked up at me as I walked into the room. However, the joy was not present in her face the way it normally was. I was the first to speak.

“You wanted the beef and broccoli stir fry and spring roll. As for me; after considerable  debate I finally decided on the General Tso’s chicken.”

She smiled a little for the first time tonight. “Considerable debate huh? Yeah, I bet.”

I decided to go with the flow on this one. “Are you possibly suggesting that I might less adventurous than you and maybe slightly predictable?”

“No, I’m not suggesting it. I’m telling it the way it is.”

I set the food down on the coffee table in front of the sofa. “You look so comfortable that I hate to disturb you, but might I join you?”

She sat up and looked at me, raising one eyebrow.

“Only if the first words out of your mouth are: baby I’m sorry, please forgive me for being so incredibly insensitive.”

I sat down next to her. “Baby, I’m sorry for being so incredibly insensitive. Really I am. I’ve been thinking about this all day, and I’ve come to a understanding about myself that I don’t think I fully understood this morning.”

She looked at me with this, you gotta be kidding me look. “You must have lunch with Karen today”

“Okay, you are starting to get to know me a little too well. Yes I had lunch with Karen. And just so you know, she told me that I wasn’t thinking clearly on this matter. That I am letting

my fears ruin my future. Baby girl, I’ve been hurt before, and if you ever hurt me I don’t think that I could recover from it. I’ve been in love many times, but I have never been in love the way that I’m in love with you. So before we go any farther, I want you to promise me that you love love me, and you will never hurt me.”

Suddenly I saw the light return to Amy’s face and the pixy in her could be brightly seen again. “First off I told you on our first date that I would never share you with another woman, even if the other woman was only a memory. And second I will do better than a promise, I will make a pinky swear. You know what that means? A pinky swear is the most binding promise that two girls can make with each other. It cannot be broken for any reason.”

She then held up her hand with her pinky finger sticking up and in the shape of a hook. I did the same and we locked pinky fingers and said, “Pinky swear.” This became our private symbol of love. Sometimes just sitting in a restaurant, Amy would hold up her finger and we would lock pinky fingers. And we would know that we were silently promising to love each other forever. After that we kissed deeply, and looked into each other’s eyes for several moments. Holding her hand I was the first to speak. “Amy, if you still want me, I would love for us to be together and share every part of our lives.”

“Yes Jenifer, I still want this. Even if you are a jerk sometimes.”

I had to laugh at that because I knew it was the truth.

“Have you been talking to Karen? She said the same thing about me.”

“No cupcake. We just know the real you. But you are also the most lovable jerk I’ve ever known, and I’m damn lucky that you love me the way you do. It’s like I ordered wine and the waiter brings me champagne. You know how much I like champagne.”

I smiled at her because it was that pixie in her that I loved most of all. I softened my tone a little as I began to speak to her again.

“So now we just need to work out the details. I will have to find someone to sublet my apartment because mine is still a new lease and I don’t think management will let out of it.”

Amy looked at me confused. “Why do you need to be the one to move? I’ve been here long enough that I’m on a month to month basis. I can just simply tell the office what we are doing and have them put me on your lease.”

“I don’t know, it’s just that I have been staying over her and I just figured that’s the way you wanted it”

Amy laughed at me again. “Cupcake, I wanted you over here because I can’t stand what you have done with your apartment. So if I move in with you it will be with the understanding that I can re-decorate any way I want to.”

This made me feel very good and very happy because I knew that this was the beginning of our forever. I held up my pinky and she locked hers with mine. I looked into her eyes and spoke to her, “I think I can live that.”

Tags: featured, fiction, partners, Transgender

Category: Fiction