The Price

If you’ve read this column before, you know a few things about me. You know that I live full time as a woman, and I have done so since March.

I did so knowing the possibilities. Many of my Trans friends who have not transitioned wonder what this is like. They talk over drinks about the fun of wearing women’s clothes daily, and of no longer needing to hide.

And it’s a wonderful Dream. Isn’t it?

I went into this eyes open, knowing that this would cost me my marriage, and so much more. I knew it could cost me almost everything, up to and including my life, as it did Lisa’s.

So is it worth all of this?

What does this Price buy? Well, there’s the basic stuff. I go through my daily life and most people see me as a Woman. I am addressed as such. Usually. As a woman, I can, if I wish, wear a dress to work, and no one cares. The hormones have changed me physically. I now have breasts of my own. My skin has softened, as have my facial features. I’ve been growing my hair for over two years, and now it brushes my shoulders.

All of these things were my dreams when I was younger, and they’ve all come true.

Some things have yet to happen. I am not yet physically a total woman. According to the protocols, I have nine months more to wait before I can be approved for that. Then there’s that whole money thing. I want my hair to grow much longer as well, so I can look like I did when I wore wigs, or a reasonable facsimile. That will take time.

Okazy, so that’s what I get, but wait — there’s more! And I’ll come back to it after going through the possible side effects. And the Price.

Possible side effects are varied. Estrogen causes moodiness. I have learned to cry, and that I cry often, sometimes out of nowhere. I have given up my Male privilege. Yes, it exists, and you don’t realize it unless you don’t have it. Many men treat women as inferiors. Hell, you’d think I got a lobotomy instead of a becoming my True Self.

Be prepared to lose people you thought were friends. They will Not understand. How can they unless they have lived it? This very night, I spoke to a friend I’ve known since 1980. He still doesn’t comprehend, but he understands that I was in Pain. How do I explain to him why I had to do what I did?

I don’t have exact figures for this, but if you’re married, kiss it goodbye. Marriages that survive transition are so very rare. Other relationships too. People lose parents, children, neighbors… even pets.

Often times we also lose the places we live. And we can’t find others. Welcome to my world.

We Lose. And that’s the Price. Loss. And that’s what I tell people who say they want to transition. I say exactly what I was told by my “Big Sister” Mel. And she was 100% right. I say “Are you prepared to lose EVERYTHING? Because there’s a good chance you will.”

What does one get for all of this Loss? What does the Price buy when it is paid?

Peace.

I am at Peace for the first time in my life. I’ve written that many times, but what does it mean? It means that I no longer feel “wrong.” I look in the mirror and see what I feel I should’ve all along. Well everywhere but down low, if you catch my meaning. But that will change someday too.

I sleep in a bra and panties, as many women do. I Fuss over my makeup and hair. I look down and see the changes that the hormones made to my body — not during puberty as with most women, but recently. I will never be a Mother, but so many women aren’t. I am a Father. For that I am thankful.

So there you have it, dear readers. That is the Price and what it buys. If I had a choice to be just an occasional crossdresser verses who I am now, would I have paid the Price?

Well that’s a trick question. And the Entire Point. For me, it was transition or die. There were no other options. That’s how bad the Pain had become. I have written this many times, and I’ll write it again here:

If you don’t HAVE to transition: DON’T. It’s that simple.

If I were an occasional CD, I’d probably still live with Wife. We’d still be a family. So many other things wouldn’t have happened, like my impending homelessness.

I HAD to transition, and it has brought me the Peace I craved. I paid the Price, and I’m still paying it today. I will pay it always, like an eternal student loan. Now I face the challenge of building a new life.

A Life as a middle-aged Woman.

My Life.

Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition, Transsexual

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion