The Occasional Woman — From the Runway to Real Life

Bizarre fashions from Harper’s Bazaar.

Dear Readers, Welcome to the Tiny Apocalypse! i. e., COVID-19. Let’s all wash our hands, and distract ourselves with FASHION!

I investigated the latest edition of Harper’s Bazaar, and they weren’t kidding. It is the usual parade of emaciated teenagers, wearing lots of aluminum foil and feathers. Once I recovered my equilibrium, I set my brain to wondering “how might this gawd-awful CRAP be translated into Real People wear?” and came up with some swell translations. Here goes!

Apparently, the Big Long Collar is back, you know, like the ‘70s disco shirts, off of whose collars one could launch a plane? Yup, not joking. How to echo this look? Go for clothes with a somewhat exaggerated lapel, or a slightly-lengthened collar point. This will look nice with a lightweight fabric, not something that looks like cardboard. Think of it as “fun.”

’60s paisley print.

Another concept from around this era is BIG ‘60s-‘70s prints; You know, the kind of loopy, flowery stretchy prints, that remind you of your pot dealer’s mom’s wallpaper. Often with metallic accents. My thought here is to put in wee touches of these prints with your ensembles, like a scarf, a purse or some other accessory. Strangers will think you are smart, edgy and adorable.

2019’s take on hot pants.

Moving on, the people at Bazaar think we all ought to rush out and buy — HOT PANTS. The original hot pants, now generally seen mainly on ladies of the night, were very short, tight shorty-shorts. They sometimes let a hint of buttock show out of the back, and were always worn with 3-6″ platform shoes. DON”T TRY THIS UNLESS IT’S A COSTUME, or you go out with a change belt at your waist. Who can get away with these? Only people with staggeringly great legs. They do look really cute when they are a dark color, or maybe a Navy Uniform look, or a very crisp linen or denim. But not when the “legs” are only at crotch level. Bazaar is also recommending wearing this look in leather. I urge you to forget that stupid idea IMMEDIATELY.

A great alternative to hoochie-mama shorts are Bermuda shorts! They don’t have to be all the way to your knees, but maybe just above, depending on how fabulous your legs are. Wear them with a matching blazer, the always-correct linen blouse, or something tailored; this way, you will look polished and stylish. Maybe some rope-soled espadrilles would finish the look perfectly.

Big polka dots.

Polka dots and neon colors are big this season. Polka dots do not have to be gigantic, and look like they need to be paired with gigantic shoes, a big red nose, a ruff, and a tiny car. I’d stick with tiny to medium dots, and not colors so loud they out-shout the wearer. The polka dot print, when done well, is a nice springy print, and can go with just about anything.

Is neon good for you?

Neon. . . sigh. This is a rather difficult concept, and group of colors. Neons are so not everybody’s cup of fabric. They look best on darker-skinned humans, or really pale ones. Neon green looks good on maybe 10-15 ladies in the world; I am not one of them. On many of us kind of Irish-toned people, neon colors wash us out, and give us that heinous Zombie look. Not a truly flattering effect. I’d play it rather safe, and use the neons as accents, or at least not right next to your face!

The other Harper’s Bazaar suggestions are just too stupid and outlandish to seriously consider. I’ll mention them, but not favorably.

1. Crocheted Bra Tops for Public Wearing — N. O.

2. Regular Bathing Suit Tops With Pants, Skirts and Blazers. Girl please.

3. Leather Hot Pants. Kinda says it all.

4. FEATHERS. I know you know better.

In fashion, always remember — good fit, good fabric, avoiding looking like a strumpet and being able to walk in heels are the best rules!

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Tags: crossdressing, fashion, featured, style, Transgender

Category: Transgender Fashion