The Mean Reds and Other Insecurities

My therapist once said to me, “Chrissy, do you know what I’ve always admired about you?” First off I didn’t know there was anything about me that someone admires. She continued, “The fact that you are so resilient.” I laughed, “My Mother just said I was stubborn.”

People have told me how brave I am for transitioning and living as my authentic self. In my way of thinking it was not bravery that made me transition, it was desperation. I knew internally my life could not go on the way it had been. Inside I knew what had to be done, however, I was not able to jump the Southern Baptist hurdles that had been put up in my psyche as a child.

The outward changes I have made along the way have been wonderful. Not long after I came out I dyed my hair blonde. At first it turned a sort of a light brown. I have been working ever since then to make it even lighter. I love being a blonde. The hormones are also working for me. You can see it in my face, and my butt, and my boobs are getting larger. Although I still wish they were bigger. If my boobs would balance out my shoulders, I would really have something. There are times my thoughts are a bit scattered, which sometimes cause people to lose patience with me. One night a roommate of mine told me in sheer frustration, “You act just like a woman. You even stand like one.”

Those are just changes that people can see on the outside. The biggest change has been on the inside. For the first time since I was a kid, I can laugh at life and myself. I love who I am and who I am becoming. I have no desire to go back to that other person I once was even though the price paid for my happiness has been my family. The best part for me is that sometimes when I stop to fix my hair, I catch myself off guard and say, “Who is that girl in the mirror?”

Let me say this to illustrate that I am far from some paragon of virtue. What people don’t see is the quivering mass of complexity that lurk inside of me. The truth is I’m actually a scared little mouse who has learned to walk with her head held high and smile like the world belongs to her.

Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly.

In the movie, Breakfast at Tiffanies, Holly Golightly talks about “The mean reds.” She said “The blues are when you are just sad that’s all. But the mean reds are when you are scared and you don’t know why.” I was introduced to the mean reds on November 22^nd 2018, when all I could do was cry. When they asked me what was wrong I could only say (sobbing), “I don’t know.” But after one week in the crises management center, I was “Goode as knew.” (sic) Mean Red still knocks on the door occasionally for a visit. You know, just to let me know he is still around, but he no longer stays in the guest room for the weekend.

Then there are the abandonment issues, but let’s not go there. You’ll like this one, I’m afraid that things will never change in my life but I’m also afraid that they will change. I’m also worried that I will never be able to do enough good to make up for the rotten things I have done in the past.

And my personal favorites are my self-esteem issues. If at least one person through the course of the week has not told me that I’m cute, I turn into Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard. I have taught my friends that when I strike a certain pose, that’s their cue to tell me, “You look wonder-ful daw-ling.” (sic)

There have been times when I have been forced to stand up for what I feel is right. Not to mention that there will always be stupid people anywhere you go and unfortunately, I’ve never learned to keep my mouth shut. Still I try to keep in mind that what I do today may pave the way for someone else tomorrow. Even with all my insecurities, I try to never forget that I stand on the shoulders of others. You see the really brave ones are those that came before me. Here is a small sample.

Lili Elbe

In 1930 Lili Elbe undergoes sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). She had gone through four Surgeries and died after the fifth due to rejection of a uterine transplant. She was also the inspiration for the movie, The Danish Girl

In 1931 Dora Richter had the first documented successful SRS.

1952 Christine Jorgensen has SRS in Copenhagen and returns to the US, only to be ‘outed’ by the American press. She was the first visible transgender sensation. (And you thought it was Caitlyn Jenner.)

We all know about Stonewall. By the way, it was a trans girl that threw the first beer bottle. However, did you know that there were two incidents more specific to the trans community?

The Cooper Do-nuts Riot happened May 1959 in Los Angeles. Cooper Do-nuts had been a 24 hour café that was a hangout for transgender people after the gay bars closed down for the night. This time, the girls protested the arrests by police of the transgender and crossdressing community inside the establishment. The riots happened because of the frequent police harassment of the Trans and crossdressing community. This is considered to be one of the first LGBTQ uprisings in the United States. (58% of transgender girls reported some form of abuse by police in 2015. Some of the mistreatment was for sexual favors.)

The ladies at Compton’s.

In August 1966 the Compton’s Cafeteria riots happen in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco. It was started by local transgender people who were upset with the continued harassment by police. This marked the beginning of the modern LGBTQ movement in San Francisco. (In 2015, 12% of all transgender girls reported being forced to work in the sex trade industry because of difficulties in finding employment.)

1976 Tennis pro Renee Richards is outed and barred from women’s tennis. Her subsequent legal battle establishes that transgender people are legally accepted as their true identity after SRS in the United States.

1993 Transgender youth Brandon Teena is raped and murdered by his circle of friends when they find out he was born a girl.

1998 Rita Hester is murdered in her home in Boston. This act inspires Gwendolyn Ann Smith and others to start the Transgender Day of Remembrance. (There were 325 murders of transgendered people between October 10^th and September 30^thin 2017 alone.)

February 10 2004 the Gender Recognition Act becomes law in the U.K. This act allowed transgender persons to legally change their sex and have it recognized for the purpose of marriage and other issues.

So just remember the next time you see me in my Wonder Woman outfit that I had to tuck before I put it on. Still, I’m making good use of those acting lessons I had as a kid. So to quote Norma Desmond, “Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close up.”

I am strong, I am beautiful, and Trans Proud.

P.S. Thank you Sabina for instilling that in me.

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Tags: featured, History, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender History