The light in my closet has burnt out and I haven’t bothered to replace it.

| Jun 8, 2009
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It’s this time of year when I lecture you all about the importance of attending your local pride festival. This annual column talks about how much fun it is, how empowering it feels to be out in the daylight, and the positive effect trans-participation at pride festivals has on the gay community, and society at large.

This year, I’m not going to do that though. Matter of fact, I doubt I’ll be attending any pride events this year. You see, I have a confession to make.

The thrill is gone. It’s true. My interest in crossdressing has waned to the point where my wig (carefully styled into a beehive), probably does have a nest of spiders in it. I haven’t dressed in at least two months.  And I haven’t enjoyed dressing since I did a photo shoot for myself and for TGForum back in December.

That’s a long time to go without. And I can’t say I’ve missed it much either. In the past, if I went “dry” for more than a month, my femme side would manifest itself in my dreams. Not so these days. My legs are hairy, and I’m sporting a full goatee.

I don’t visit the chat rooms, and I don’t read the blogs of friends discussing their trans-ness. Updates to my MySpace and Flickr pages are getting fewer and farther in between. I’m in danger of losing my tranny ID card, and I’m not all that upset.

The reasons why are myriad and murky, to say the least. I think part of the disconnect comes from dissatisfaction with my physical self. I porked out to 250 pounds a couple of years ago, and while I’ve been exercising regularly and am back down to 210, I still have a mental image of myself as a cow.

There’s probably also a dash of post-divorce depression that’s lingering, but that’s another column in and of itself. The desire to be in a relationship and the inability to find someone I can connect with also contributes, I’m sure. I could be repressing my desires simply because I know the degree of difficulty of finding someone without gender issues getting in the way.

But the biggest factor is brutally simple: I’m bored. I’m bored with the vanity that goes with my crossdressing. I’m bored with other people’s vanity. There has to be more to life than just worrying about how you look to the point that that’s your only topic of conversation. (And I will admit a lack of feedback on any of my trans-endeavors probably doesn’t help things either.) I’m frustrated that so few of us actually talk about anything socially relevent. I’m not the biggest activist around, but I’m hesitant to get involved in anything where it seems like nobody cares.

Yes, I thought maybe I’m transsexual, and I’m ready to start the journey from part-time to full-time. But I find my mind wandering in the middle of any TS discussion, when the topic of hormones comes up. And it inevitably does. I’m sorry. I just can’t relate.

So, why don’t I just purge and get it over with? Why don’t I just label myself as “admirer-used to crossdress”? Because I know as soon as I do, it’ll come roaring back, and I’ll have to start from scratch. And that will suck.

So, where do I go from here? Beats me. But I guess I’ll keep in this holding pattern until something manifests itself one way or the other. Maybe my friends will contact a wealthy philanthrapist who’ll hire a team of Avon ladies to forcibly feminize me. Maybe the board at Southern Comfort will beg me to be the keynote speaker this year. Maybe I’ll get laid off and find solace only in dressing up and cashing my unemployment check en femme. Or maybe I’ll just go quietly into that night.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

Ronnie Rho has been writing for Transgender Forum since May of 1999. One of these days, she'll get it right. She's been described as the "world's most famous recluse," but only by people who don't know her very well. She is unmarried, and lives in Cincinnati.

Comments (4)

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  1. besweet besweet says:

    Dammit, Woman!!! Snap out of it!! I depend on you for your highly informative column each week. It’s the only reason I look forward to Mondays! What’s the Murphy’s Law correlary – more or less – “Within two weeks of your throwing something away, you’ll need it.” Best advise is to take some time off, do not purge, stay in touch & time heals all wounds. You have too many friends in this community to leave it. If you’re not over your blue funk inside of two weeks, write back! We’ll give you another goose! Uh, make that a boost. Your friend, LYNDA

  2. Pam Degroff Pam Degroff says:

    Ronnie, really, you’ve had some good advice given to you already. Don’t purge…you’ll regret it the minute you do; and really, take a break. Just enjoy being yourself as yourself without worrying how you look. This might be good time to involve yourself more deeply into any kind of hobby you might have, or take a trip if you can afford it, or just be lazy without any guilt. Don’t worry about any kind of so-called trans-status….you’re part of the community, facial fuzz or not, and I will always regard you as a friend. Hang in there.

  3. says:

    Ronnie, I understand where you are completely. Just one thing, don’t purge. I wish I could tell you how many times I have had to start from scratch. It’s expensive and it does suck. Years ago upon seeking council, I asked someone not unlike yourself “will this part of me ever go away?” They said No. I didn’t believe them 15 years ago. But I do today. So take a break, refresh and come back when you feel like it. Best Regards. -Kayla

  4. says:

    Ronnie, I want to wish you well. All of us, as you said, go through times where you just want to chuck it all. If you have problems in your life it is so easy to blame dressing as the major reason and stop dressing may seem to help – for a while. You have to ask yourself do you feel happy now? Does it feel like a big burden has been lifted? Probably not, more like something is missing. You say your bored, well girl think about all of us who can’t experience life as you have and must stay hidden. Remember what Forrest Gump said about life is like a box of chocolates – maybe you need to try another piece. Perhaps that piece is a move, a new style of writting, a new friend, dressing down, or some therapy. Remember who you are, the complete you!!!

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