Rocky Mountain High

The 737-300 was ready for takeoff. I felt a stirring of both excitement, fear and anxiety as I watched the runway become a blur. At this point, I always think, what if we just can’t get off the ground? We would go right into San Francisco Bay. The nose of the place lifted, followed by the wheels underneath. The G-force at maximum thrust held me back in my seat a bit. We headed upward as I saw the runway disappear and the wavy blue-grey water of the Bay filled my view.

We made a beeline straight for the fog above. The plane pierced through the fog bank and broke out of the top. A white, lumpy quilt made of clouds illuminated by the rising sun shone through my window. As we rose up to 10,000 feet, I could see the blanket of clouds being held back by the Oakland and Berkeley Hills. They looked like some ancient barrier erected to keep the fog at bay.

Mt. Diablo, at near 4000 feet, looked quite tame at this altitude. The East Bay was waking up to a Wednesday morning. I saw the San Joaquin River Delta pass below and knew that my neighborhood was down there. I was really leaving the Bay Area. After 20 months, I was finally getting a break. I was on my way to Denver, Colorado to visit friends including my ex partner Jess.

The trip was for a few reasons. I needed a break from the Bay. I wanted to visit Jess and stay with friends. I wanted to check out Denver for possible relocation. I wanted to see the Rockies. I wanted to see if my anxiety would improve with a change of scenery. I had a feeling it would not magically heal it, but I hoped I could feel better and have some hope that I solved the mystery of what is causing my new level of daily anxiety. 

Getting on a plane took a courageous effort for me. What if I had a “spell” in flight? What if there was massive turbulence? Would I freak out? None of that happened. It took me about an hour to get calm. By the time the drink service started, I was calmer. I sipped my usual ginger ale and ate my little peanuts and Cheese Nibs. I looked down at the passing landscape. I remembered flying to Hawaii in 2006 over the same mountains.That trip inspired a song of mine called Far, Far Away. This time, I was flying the opposite way.

I arrived in Denver and was greeted by my ex partner Jess. We had not seen each other in 2 years. We remain in contact, but it’s not the same as in person. I hugged her and smelled her familiar scent. It was the scent of warmth and love. I was dead tired. I had to work until midnight the previous night and be on a 6:15 a.m. flight. I went home briefly, petted my precious baby kitty Kona, grabbed my bags, and drove straight to the airport.

The first day was pretty much a waste. I was just all out of sorts. I was coming down from the anxiety of the flight, getting used to the mile high altitude in Denver, and adjusting to a new environment. I stayed with my friends Joan and Mary. Jess, who was on again, off again with her girlfriend, was staying with Joan temporarily. It was nice to see everyone. I had trouble sleeping on an air mattress on the floor. I really wanted to go in and sleep on Jess’s bed. I felt sad that I couldn’t.

I switched to the couch for the next few days. It was much more comfy. I woke up each morning with the same anxiety as I had in The Bay Area. I was hoping as the week went on, that may get better. I was away from stressors and work. I was in a new location. I did end up crying a few times. Jess and Joan tried to comfort me. It felt good for a while, but something inside is wrong and making me anxous. As we did things daily like driving to the mountains, which were beautiful and epic, it did distract me somewhat from my worries.

The rocks that give the place its name.

One of the highlights was a concert at the famous Red Rocks Amphitheater. Jackson Browne was playing there. He is not necessarily one of my favs, but the venue was really the reason I went. The sound was top notch and I ended up really liking the show. The slide guitarist was fabulous. Running on Empty was always a fav of mine ever since it was in Forrest Gump. I could get used to seeing concerts there. The way they light the incredible rocks and how the sound is naturally channeled between the twin cliffs is really an experience. I was in row 7, so I didn’t get as much of the ambient sound, but in the middle of that rising Flintstone-like amphitheater it must be very sweet to hear.

I’ve been to the mountaintop. 12,000 feet in altitude that is. I was in Rocky Mountain National Park. The altitude was bothering me. That is 2 and a half miles up from sea level. The Bay Area is basically at sea level. I got winded very fast. I was well above the timberline where only mossy scrub and hearty animals survive. We saw Elk grazing and chipmunks begging for handouts. I did see a longhorn sheep or two on another day. Being in the mountains was exhilarating, but the annoying tingling in my body and weirdness put a damper on it all.

Speaking of dampers, the weather was atypical for Denver. It was cloudy and rainy a good bit more than usual. It was good to see some rain after being in California, where we don’t see rain from April to October most of the time and definitely from June to September. I saw a little bit of snow too up there in the peaks. In California there is snow in the Sierras. The gloom kind of got to me a bit after a few days. I missed my sunshine. I missed my baby kitty. I missed the Bay Area.

As the trip wound down, I managed to get out and see some of Denver. There were parts like Federal Street that were quite boring, depressing and run down. I was disturbed to see a lot of industry and ugly rock piles along the airport road to Denver. This is your first view of Denver if you fly in. You can see the city in the distance riding up in hazy rectangular shapes. The mountains are a hazy grey-blue in the distance. I found Denver to be okay. This was my second visit. I was less impressed this time than last except for Red Rocks. The altitude bugged me. Yes, I’d probably get used to it if I moved there.

But, do I really want to move? Being in Denver was just making me miss my home in the Bay Area. It’s pretty in the Bay. Everything exploded in the ’50s and ’60s so nothing seems older than that. There are more flowers and pretty trees and the mountains are right on top of you instead of in the distance. You can also go to the peaks for a grand view and hike without carrying an oxygen mask. The sea air wafts over the land making a sweet, fresh smell. The roads are planned better, There are three cities to be in instead of one. The Bay Area has traffic, but Denver is getting bad too. The city is not prepared for the influx of new residents. Rents are going up too. They are not quite at the Bay Area’s level, but they are rising fast.

I did try some legal Mary Jane while I was there. The one kind put me to sleep. The other kind had me pole dancing for Jess in front of her girlfriend. This went over like a lead balloon. Jess’s girlfriend was apparently pretty upset. So, they get me high, and then don’t like the result. That made me feel oh so great inside. I had to apologize, which I think was unnecessary given the circumstances. Whatever.

It was kind of a strange visit. It was good to see my friends. It was nice to be in the Rockies. I didn’t get a lot of relax time. It went fast. It was a blur. I may go back again when Southwest has another sale. But, I owe Mom a visit. It’s been 2 years since I’ve seen her too. I miss her so much. When you are not feeling so good, Mom always helps. She worries. She doesn’t know what to do for me.

I bid adieu to Denver after 8 days. The flight seemed longer on the way back. There was a big guy in the center seat so I had to scrunch to the window. I’m a window seat girl. I like to see what’s going on. I fell asleep for a bit on the way, probably from exhaustion. I awoke to see the Sierras coming into view. Then the Central Valley and it’s flat farms. We approached the southern tip of SF Bay. The weird, colored patches in the shallows still confound me. I have no idea what they are. I saw the fog from the Pacific being held back by the Santa Cruz mountains as the sun was setting. I knew I was home. It felt good. I felt appreciative.

I finally made it back to my car, got in, and cried hard. A couple of days later, I spent all day and night in San Francisco, so happy to be back. A renewed appreciation welled inside me. I became more at ease with my home. Being away was good. Yes, I still had my mystery morning anxiety, but I gained confidence from flying and now see the Bay Area, my home, in a new light.

Tags: Colorado, Denver, featured, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul