Retro Rerun 1998: The Need To Be Seen

Originally, my topic for this month was going to be Tips on Passing in Public, but as I began to mull over that topic I realized that the psychological process that many of us go through in reaching the point where we want, and even need, to publicly express our transgender side was worthy of it’s own article. Turning my thoughts in that direction I quickly realized that for me the drive to go out in public crossdressed was a most important thing in my life. As with almost everything else about my transgender nature, this was a long slow journey filled with many bumps. What I have tried to record below is what I think the milestones were during this journey along with what my thoughts, feelings, and what other people’s reactions were to me, at that time.

My First Awareness: When I first became aware of the fact that I liked “girl stuff” I was about age 3. At that time I saw nothing wrong with being associated with feminine things and freely played dress up at my baby-sitters house with the other girls. Most of the other children did not seem to mind though one or two of the boys would not play with me if I was dressed up in girl’s clothes. I felt happy and free to be myself.

The First “Lesson”: At some point the baby-sitter had had enough of my dressing up. I think it was because one of the new children, a boy, was really bothered by it. She asked me to stop wearing the girls stuff and if I wanted to play dress up I should wear the boy’s costumes. That was not something I wanted to hear! I remember being sad and confused about the situation. As you may guess I continued to dress and play with the girls, but I was more cautious about not getting caught by the baby-sitter. Ultimately though I was caught and my parent’s were told. My father flipped out calling me names and punishing me for my “sissy” behavior. He did a really great job in humiliating me and bringing me to tears. His reaction taught me that wanting to be like a girl was something I should be very ashamed of and that public or private behavior of that sort was totally unacceptable. My gender expression and certainly my desire to appear in public while crossdressed was totally crushed.

Learning to Live with Shame: During most of my youth my father made sure he reinforced his view that a boy expressing himself in any way other than being totally masculine was utterly unacceptable to him and to everyone else. I still wanted to wear those clothes and play with the girls sometimes, but fear and shame kept me from acting on it. Instead I tried to totally hide my transgender feelings and the need to express them. That was what I was suppose to do, right? To a great degree I was very “successful” at internalizing my feelings, but there were rare occasions when I would secretly act on those feelings. The thought of ever being seen as feminine in public though was now totally horrifying.

A Slight Opening, then a Total Denial: When I hit puberty I discovered, as all boys that age do, that my penis was not just for letting me go to the bathroom while standing up. Without getting too graphic let’s just say that I was definitely not the Master of my Domain. Really it would be more accurate to say that I was trying to be the Queen of the Castle. Yes, my gender expression somehow got lumped in with that other “guilty” pleasure. While I did fantasized about girls, I also dreamt of acting like, dressing like and even being a girl. A common thread in all of my fantasies was that I could do all those feminine things while in pubic so that the whole world could see how I truly felt about myself. The thought terrified me and yet I found it very attractive. So attractive in fact that I actually acted on it a from time to time by wearing women’s underwear or a blouse under my coat while out. Each time I did that I felt more guilty than I did the last time. As much I as longed and hoped and wished that I could freely express myself, being a teenager I knew that the world was a cruel place, especially for someone as different as I. In time I vowed to bury those feelings forever and just be a “normal” guy. What a huge mistake.

Running Away: My late teens and early twenties found me not only denying my transgender desires, it found me running at full speed away from them. I tried to immerse myself in all sorts of masculine endeavors. The mere thought of someone thinking I was in any way feminine infuriated me. I remember one time while with a group of my friends one of the girls was fooling around trying to smear lipstick on me. I reacted so violently (verbally, not physically) that I actually scared everyone present. This loathing of my transgender side lasted a few years.

A Reawakening: I’m not really sure how or why, but I began to once again allow those thoughts to creep in from time to time. Still, when I did allow them to slip out I always felt guilty afterwards. Then a major event happened within my life. . . .Let me break in to tell you all that what I am about to say is not something I am proud of in the least. I really wanted to gloss over this part, but my damned honesty prevents it. . . The life changing event that occurred was the death of my father. Yes, I realize that I am insinuating that my father’s death had a positive effect on my life and I am sad to say that in part it did. Don’t get me wrong, I did love him and appreciate the good things he brought into my life. It’s just that he was also an anchor for the shame and guilt I felt about my transgender side. Once I grieved his loss I was able to reexamine my transgender feelings with a new set of eyes. What I slowly started to conclude was that being transgender was not as grievous a sin as I had been taught. Still it was certainly not something I thought the world at large could ever accept.

I Take a Chance: By the time I was engaged to be married I was no longer able to deny that my crossdressing and transgender feelings were a part of me. In fairness to my spouse-to-be I had to tell her. What a colossal risk I felt I was taking! What if she reacted badly and exposed this side of myself to the world? I felt for certain that if I was exposed I would be an outcast. You see even though I had progressed internally, I was certain the public could never accept the real me as anything but a weirdo and an oddity. Despite my fears I somehow got up the courage to tell her and much to my surprise she did not reject me. Instead she tried to understand, but made it clear that my crossdressing was to be our secret. I agreed. That was my second big mistake.

Coming out of my shell (sort of): Over the next few years I fell happily into the groove of limiting my crossdressing to the confines of my home. At the time, I was sure that being able to express myself in private would be enough for me. Looking at the situation now I can’t imagine how I thought that. But, I did. One factor was that I thought that I had been pretty lucky to find even one person who would put up with my transgender side. Even if she did not support me whole-heartedly, at least I was no longer alone. Public outings were something that I secretly desired, but in no way could I see happening. I resigned myself to the fact that this was as good as it ever was going to get.

Back into Exile: I probably could have limped along forever with the limited level of expression of my feminine feelings that I had gained up to that point in my life, but having kids changed all that. Once the kids were in the picture my wife wanted to see my crossdressing disappear. Wanting what was best for the kids I allowed myself to be almost totally pushed back into the closet. It will be no surprise to anyone to hear that I found that after years of “freedom” it had become impossible for me to accept this situation for very long. As a result, I began to grow very unhappy again. The only difference in my unhappiness this time was that I KNEW what was causing it. I had progressed too far and just could not bottle it all in again. This exile of my transgender side caused me, more than ever, to want total freedom to be myself. The need to get these feelings out somehow got so great that I began to take stupid risks. For instance, I would find myself walking into a store while in drab to try on dresses. If that was not bad enough, I would always have to come out of the dressing room to check myself out in the mirror in full view of everyone. People were always amused, but my feelings were that, it was a small price to pay my for my gender expression. I was on a dangerous course.

She’s Gonna Blow!: The pressure of trying to hold in my transgender feelings got to be too much and I had to do something before my reckless behavior got me into trouble. I was able to locate a Transgender support group, and with my wife’s blessing, went to my first meeting. Incidentally, I later found out that she hoped I would “Get the help I needed there.” sort of like an AA for the transgender I guess. For the first time in my life I met others like myself. It was like discovering Bigfoot, they really did exist! Though the meeting was not public, there were plenty of people and I was able to be myself in front of them. Admittedly, I was nervous. But for the first time in a long time I felt good about myself.

Letting Go: After I had an found outlet and a support network for my transgender side it began to blossom. Destroying years of guilt and shame takes time, but slowly it began to happen. As I allowed myself to open up, Diane began to emerge. My friends at the group tried to get me to open up more, but I moved at my own pace. The only place I would go while dressed as Diane at that time was the monthly meetings. I was growing more comfortable with myself and yet I still lacked the strength to show my true self to the world. At the same time that Diane was moving into the light, my wife and I realized that neither of us were happy in our marriage. After over a year of marriage counseling we decided to call it quits and I got my own place. Pandora’s box was about to open…..

“Suddenly” Diane: The first few months on my own were a difficult adjustment for me and believe it or not my crossdressing actually declined during that time. Soon enough though I realized that for the first time in my life I was totally free to be myself. Let me clarify, I was totally free to be myself in my private life. No one to answer to, no one to get upset at me, just me, myself and I. Before long Diane was a regular at all the TG hot spots in New York city and Philadelphia. I still attended the monthly support group meetings and even went sometimes to other groups. I was happy and certainly had fun but something was still missing. It took me a while to figure out that what I lacked was wholeness. On one hand I had my male life, family and friends. On the other was Diane’s life, family (the support group) and friends. The two did not connect and the only way they would was for me to start to bring them together. That is, I had to publicly embrace both.

Here She Is. . .: My venue to present my whole self was a safe one and one only possible in this modern age. I did it on-line in chat rooms. Not crossdressing chat rooms mind you, but “regular” ones. I found that people could accept me in that forum and before long I was invited to a party at a PUBLIC restaurant. That invite was something that I had been dreaming of for a long time. I had to go! With a good amount of apprehension and a bit of encouragement from my online friends, I went. To my surprise not only was I treated with respect, I met new people who quickly became my friends (In fact I met the love of my life that first night. That’s another story though. . .) What that night proved to me was that I could be true to myself and the world could accept the whole me. With that experience under my belt I decided to raise the stakes. I told a friend at work and she too accepted me! Next my mother. . . acceptance! Then my sisters. . . more acceptance! As time went on I was able to open up to more and more people. Today, though I am not one hundred percent out, my family, all of my girlfriend’s family, several of my friends and coworkers all know that I am transgender. I go out in public all the time and have yet to have any problems with anyone.

Full Circle: This past Saturday night I had to step in and run our monthly transgender support group meeting. It is the same group that I have been going to for these last few years. Now, I am the vice-president and people sometimes look to me for the same support I desired just a few short years ago. After the meeting I was out with my girlfriend, her sister and her friend. Or, I should say Diane was out hanging with her girlfriends. As I was sitting there with them enjoying our conversation, I looked around at all the people there and realized something. I feel happy and free to be myself — again.

Since Diane wrote this in 1998 her story has continued. Today she is an all the time woman and is happily married to a really nice fella. She continues to submit posts to TGF from time to time.