Random Notes From an Older Bi-gendered Person

| Oct 15, 2018
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Pauline Estelle

These comments are just a number of ramblings by an old crossdresser, there’s that term again. On September the 28th I reached the grand old age of 83. I have lived through WW2, Korea, Vietnam, and this never ending mess in the Middle East. What was the point? Germany is the most powerful country in Europe. Korea is split down the middle, Vietnam is still under some form of totalitarianism. And the mess in the Middle East has been going on for 1400 years.

My thoughts are that WW2 was the only just war. (I can remember when nylon stockings weren’t available. The nylon was turned into ropes for towing troop carrying gliders during WW2.)

There is  not much one can do about growing old except make the best of it. My head seems pretty clear but the body protests a lot. Despite problems with my back I am fairly mobile and can still enjoy myself a great deal when dressed. I enjoy myself when in drab, also, but it’s not the same as being dressed en femme, is it?

When it comes to enjoyment we can’t eat or drink as much as we once did. Maybe that is a good thing because I am not overweight. This must help my mobility. I do have a slight curvature of the spine which reduces my physical height an inch or so. My wife’s always bragging as how much taller  she is than I. Particularly when she is wearing heels. I get into trouble when she has to re-adjust the rearview mirror in the car. Lol.

Talking of heels, One loses the ability to wear 2 1/2, 3 inch and higher heels. How I hate flats. I guess there are some circumstances where one must wear them. There is nothing nicer than a well turned ankle in a good pair of stilettos.

Crossdressing! I don’t like the term crossdressing, but then I don’t like many of the other titles we are given either. My wife came up with the classifications that I feel most comfortable with — “Bi-gendered.” but we can pick holes in most of these titles for one reason or another.

What is more important to me is the why? This is of course is an unanswerable question. Long before I was free to dress I had these urges to dress in female clothing and of course, when I married again I was free to dress at will. It is however, much more than just putting on female attire. One’s personality changes and I feel less aggressive and more sedate and of course quite feminine. I would sooner mix with women, and other CDs than men. I am not a great sports fan when dressed.

Another thing worth mentioning. Boobs and bras. What size forms should one wear? The best advice I was given was that they should be proportional to your body size. If one studies women is obvious that this rule does not apply, but one has to start somewhere. I have three pairs of forms. One is what The Breast Form Store call a size eight. This is the first pair I bought and they are now leaking. I have another pair size eight which stay in position using double sided tape. Not a bad arrangement but a lot of work. They add at least fifteen or twenty minutes to my dressing time which is normally about seventy five minutes.

I have the same routine every time, shower, shave from nose to toes (I do use Veet on my legs and fore arms so this isn’t needed every time), then  makeup and dress. If I don’t do this I feel as if I haven’t washed away my male persona. Its funny how the quality of the end product varies from time to time.

Have you ever made a mess of your eyes or lip makeup and made it worse when one tries to fix it.?

My remaining set of forms are a size ten, These are self adhesive and as stated in the advertising, they are too heavy to go completely unsupported.

Bras are a slightly different problem. I have a 38 inch chest, so according to The Breast Form Store I should be wearing  42DD. This seems rather large to me, Any Ideas, anyone? Because the lightest skin of a set of Forms is never as light as my almost white Caucasian skin they have to be well hidden in the bra.

Has any one had any experience with breast plates? I tried one once and it was a disaster. When I returned it (yes, the vendor took it back) UPS put a forklift through them. Fortunately I had it insured.

We are now into the summer/winter clothing change over. Roll on next May. We try to put everything we wear during the season back in the closet with the hanger turned around so that hopefully one can tell what has been worn and what hasn’t. It doesn’t always work.

My wife bought me a mink coat. It only cost $70.00 in a used clothing store and it tends to be a little on the small side. It’s a nice coat and feels very elegant and cosy when it is on. But I don’t feel comfortable wearing it when I go out because I am expecting someone to damage it.

At my age one tends to think of the future, short as it may be. I intend to get as much from it as I can.

To paraphrase Rudyard Kipling, the last verse of his poem ‘If’.

If you can fill each un-forgiving minute

With sixty seconds worth of distance run

Yours is the Earth and every thing that’s in it

And- which is more- you’ll be a girl (man) my son.

Sorry Rudyard, I couldn’t resist it.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender History, Transgender Opinion


About the Author ()

I was born in England in 1935 and spent fourteen years in British Navy starting in 1951. I married in 1958 and stayed that way for 51 years. My wife gave me 3 sons all now in their fifties, only one knows of my little pecadilo. Four grand children all in or completed University. I emigrated to Canada in 1968. Worked for the oil, gas and power industries until I retired at 66. My first wife died of cancer in 2009. I was introduced to Gail by a mutual friend and we have been together six years and married for three. Gail was aware of my crossdressing before we married and supports it wholeheartedly with some rules. I have to be Paul some of the time, which is fair. I am a Libra and I own it.

Comments (4)

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  1. carlaroberts carlaroberts says:

    I am always delighted and encouraged when hearing the stories of others who have been at this for 50 or more years (with no disrespect intended to those who are younger). At 69 years, I am grateful for every day, and even more grateful for the days when I am enfemme. I have always struggled with the the labels that are applied to us and others whose gender identity or presentation does not fit the cultural norm. The first term I remember reading that might identify me was transvestite. I found it in a magazine article (Popular Science about 1965-66, I believe) describing the use of electric shock on a man who was excited when trying-on lingerie. I had never imagined some one else would want to wear women’s (girls) clothing, something many of us believe or feel at an early age, but I was also sure I did not need treatment, especially as described in the article, and could never identify as such in fear of similar treatment. At a very young age, I tried to be one of the girls, and was often referred to as queer, or sissy, but had no term for myself. Later in life I learned of other terms, but never felt like they applied. Life dictated that I learn to act male, and take on a manly occupation, in order to survive and I became really good at acting, while quietly having other desires. My acting career was good enough to get married, and eventually my wife discovered, I was not all I pretended to be, and she labeled me as a crossdresser, a term I did not agree with, but acquiesced to it knowing full well that my real feelings of identity would have disasterious results. Eventually, my true self was revealed, and the marriage ended. After a few years I remarried to a very accepting and understanding woman, and although I was completely out to her, as Bi-gender or gender-fluid, I did continue my male acting career, in order to maintain our relationship, but dressed enfemme whenever possible. One day, when I thought I was putting on my best act, subconsciously of course, she made the most accurate pronouncement ever, “Well, you are a girl”. I was speechless, and immediately tried to protest that I was Bi-gender or gender-fluid, fearing another loss of relationship. She said, “Honey, you may be an engineer, and a lot of other male things, but underneath it all you are a girl”. After a lot of tears, we had a long conversation, and assured me that our relationship was safe, and no act I put on could hide my true persona.
    So, in the end, my life circumstances dictate the I am bi-gender or gender-fluid, but want maters most is the label and opinion, of the love of my life, which it turns-out, is most accurate. “Girl”

  2. tasidevil tasidevil says:

    It’s nice to hear stories from us older gals. I’m 77 and still upright

  3. andiblank andiblank says:

    Hi, Pauline.
    First off, Happy Birthday! I only wish that I look as good as you do when I am 83. As it is, I am a 66 year old bi-gender (I think I will steal the term from you.)

    While I have identified as trans since about nine years old, I have actively been on-and-off for various periods over the years. Often this was a reflection on my physical self image, since my weight has fluctuated over the years. Two years ago I lost 100 pounds, so I am now about 150. I am a clothes horse and have acquired a wardrobe that is over-the-top.

    That all being said, I saw your mention of breastplates. I have a couple (and also their singles) from RealBreast and was very happy with them. However, I think their protrusion is more than I want at this time. If you have any desire, I would consider selling them for a fraction of their original cost.

    Look forward to hearing from you.

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