R.I.P.

Since the last time I posted I’ve had a few blows to my existence one of which was the loss of my father. I never really got along with my father but in the end he was my dad. We never saw eye to eye on, well, anything but he was the force who shaped who I am as a person. At a very young age he sat me down and told me not to wear dresses and be a girl but that that one never really sunk in. He must have seen that his plan for me would not come to fruition and he spent the rest of my formative years trying to enforce his will on me by beating me and degrading me so as to mold me into the “man “ that he thought I should be.

I resisted his lessons at every turn which only enraged him further and I reaped the brunt of his wrath in the form of beatings and degrading lectures that were meant to make me strong. In the end all I did was resent him and the divide between us grew greater. I did find out from a woman that he was close to that he confided in her that he regretted his actions but he never did tell me personally that he was sorry for what he did to me. He wasn’t the kind of “man “ who would ever admit to the person who he had wronged that he was in fact wrong.

I’m very conflicted about the whole situation and I don’t really know what to do with all the emotions that I’m feeling about his death. I do know that I won’t mourn his passing because I’m finally free. My whole life I felt that I had to live up to his ideal image of what a man should be and try to be the man he pounded into my psyche. Im finally free to be who I was meant to be. I’m not really sure what that is at this point in my journey but I can be me without any perceived preconceptions about the future. I’m pretty happy with what I’ve done with my life and with what I’ve accomplished thus far. I have a beautiful wife that I love with all my heart and a family that I’m in amazement with every day. I wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing in my past for fear that something would be different in my present. I love what I have now and I’m grateful for the life I’ve made.

All my love,

Porja Braga

Tags: family, featured, Identity, parents, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul