Out and About: Part of the Amanda Ryan Story

[Jan’s Story] [Lucille’s Story]

To tell or not to tell: that is the question. My apologies go to William Shakespeare. In this series I am looking at three transgender persons who might self-identify as crossdressers in that they are biological males, living most of their life as males and part time in their (strong) femme identity. They each present as confident women, comfortable being out in public and confident in performing usual activities such as shopping, dining, nightclubbing, sports, etc as women. What sets each apart from the others is the amount of their feminine identity they choose to reveal to others in their usual circle of family and friends.

You have met Lucille. In the some 30 years since the legendary Muriel Olive helped shape her identity and set her on the road to feminine adventure Lucille has told no one from the man side of her life, not even her wife, about Lucille.

You have met Jan. She cruised along like Lucille for several years, making excuses familiar to many of us to find ways to get away for moments out. Her ‘church meetings’ were often excuses to get together with the support group she helped found.

Now it is Amanda Ryan’s turn, the amazing Amanda Ryan I might say.

Ladies, do you remember how when and why you first revealed yourself to anyone as transgender? Was it by accident? Did you feel you had to tell? Did it go well or badly? Did you lose a spouse over it? Did it change your relationship? Are you happy that whoever you told has kept your secret?

For me I have told two women, both important in my life, one a lady-friend who accidentally found out when she showed up somewhere I was and there was no hiding the fact I was fully dressed and ready to go out clubbing. We talked about it for the rest of the evening and she still left her husband to be with me. We stayed together for eight more years until a job move took her across the continent and we drifted apart. The other is my wife who I took the chance to tell as it was obvious our relationship was getting ‘serious’. She accepted ‘Linda’ as an important part of me.

There is a third option that I have not addressed in this series but have mentioned before. During the winter my friend Mary lives full time as a woman in a Florida retirement community. For the longest time no one in the community was aware she was ever anyone other than Mary. However during the summers in New England she portrays as a different person, a male. On the rare occasions when northern friends come to visit she finds a place in Orlando to entertain them.

I recently met Jennifer who has moved full time to Florida and lives full time as Jennifer. She does not bother to discuss her birth gender with anyone. Let them assume what they assume, she might say. It is really nobody’s business what we have under our skirts, is it?

Now we come to the fourth option for the crossdresser – full disclosure. This is letting the cats out of the bag with no way of stuffing them back in. Once a person tells anyone he/she is a crossdresser there is no un-telling. The information is out there and cannot be retracted. If the telling goes well and the receiver of the information is supportive all is well. However, if it goes badly a lifetime friendship, personal or business relationship, is likely lost forever. That is why I appreciated reading about Amanda’s story as it unfolded a few years ago. She and I are members of the same gender support group on Canada, Gender Mosaic in Ottawa. Amanda is very active in the group. The best I can do is paying my dues every few years.

Amanda is about as out there as any of us could get. But it wasn’t always that way. From taking the first timid steps out of a hotel room to now leading rallies and presentations before the Canadian Parliament it has been an interesting journey of disclosure for Amanda. From time to time, through our yahoo group Amanda shared details of her self-disclosures with her Gender Mosaic members. Unfortunately I did not save her accounts of how she disclosed to her family, to her dentist’s office, to the folks in her small town. I did not save the accounts of how friends would drop by her home and were becoming increasingly comfortable finding Amanda or Paul offering them a cup of coffee. I did not save and my email server automatically deletes messages over a few years old.

However Amanda has been good enough to tell us a bit of her story. Enjoy but as you do try to imagine what it would have been like if you had been walking in Amanda’s shoes.

Amanda Ryan’s Story: My name is Amanda and I am proudly Trans. That may help you understand why I have decided to be visible and open about being Trans. I was given something special and I want the world to know about it. I am male according to my body parts but decidedly female according to my mentality. I live about 50/50 male/female. This works for me.

Like most Trans people I lived in fear of anyone finding out that I was Trans. I did not understand what it was all about. As I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, I began to come out to various people in my world. My wife was first which did not go well. We separated 10 months later. I must add that Trans was not the cause. Our marriage was in trouble before that. However, Trans was the last straw.

From that point on every step I took was positive which encouraged me to take the next step. My kids were supportive. My sister and my friends were supportive. My neighbours and co-workers were supportive. It didn’t take time for them to adjust and try to understand. But they all made an effort to understand. The ones who didn’t remained quiet. However, they never treated me differently than they had in the past.

For me, keeping the secret was worse than what might happen if people found out. Fear held me back for many years. I lied to my daughter once about what chat room I was in. It was a Trans chat room. I told her something different. Then I thought to myself, “Wow, I just lied to my daughter.” I didn’t like that feeling. We have a very open, honest relationship. That began my road to coming out. I saw a counsellor who simply said, “So?” when I told her that I liked to crossdress.

I thought my life as I knew it would end if people found out. But just the opposite happened. My life has been enriched with an entire new circle of friends whom I never would have met if I had stayed in my closet. I have found that people respect me for being true to myself and open enough about it to encourage conversation and questions. I have had hugs and congratulations from my customers where I work as a sales representative.

The freedom I have experienced since coming out has been incredible. I no longer worry about slipping in conversation and being found out. I confidently tell people I am Trans. I know that my confidence level disarms critics. In fact everyone I talk to asks more questions and says thank you for letting them learn.

The world has changed a great deal since I came out. Things I thought would not happen in my life time are happening right now. The general public are openly discussing Trans topics. Very likely a Trans Rights bill will pass in Canadian Parliament this term. This is a great time to be Trans.

Examples:

Telling the kids – When my wife and I separated we sat the kids down to tell them. They were 17 and 19 at the time. When we finished the separation discussion everyone started to stand up. I said sit down there is something else. My wife gave me a very stern “don’t do it” look but it wasn’t her decision anymore. We spent a while talking about Trans things and at the end my son said, “Well Dad, you have always taught us to be tolerant.” They were supportive all the way along but it took about five years for them to be truly comfortable with Dad in a dress. Now they come to Trans group parties and I can arrive at their homes presenting as Amanda without any issues. My grandkids even call me Amanda.

Amanda cutting hair.

Telling my sister and best friend – After we talked to the kids about our separation I went to see my sister and then my best friend. Both scenarios were identical. I told them I was separating and then told them I was Trans. At that time I thought I would lose everyone. I started to cry after I told them I was Trans. When I looked up through my tears my sister and her husband and my best friend and his wife were sitting right beside me holding my hand. It just didn’t matter. They were going to support me no matter what.

Telling my neighbors -– Rather than sneak around at home I wanted to be able to be out and about as I pleased. Which meant the neighbors would see me. So I invited them over for a talk. At the time my neighbors had a 10 year old son. I didn’t want them to have the stereotypical fears about pedophilia that so often surround our community. We talked for about an hour. As they were leaving they turned back and said, “We thought you were going to tell us that you were moving away. We are glad you are not.”

Telling the Dentist – I didn’t actually tell the dentist. I just arrived for an appointment as Amanda. The dentist came into the room and said, “Oh, don’t you look nice. Are you transitioning?” She obviously has some connection to the Trans Community. Their staff has become so comfortable with Amanda coming in for an appointment that they actually changed my file to Amanda. I had to ask them to reverse that so I could claim the expenses.

I host a weekend at my cottage for Gender Mosaic members each year. All of the neighbors up and down the point know about the weekend. Several of them will come over and join us for the Saturday campfire. One particular year my neighbor also hosted a group right next door. They are local people from the area and that area tends to be a little red neck. At one point they blasted John Denver’s Thank God I’m a Country Boy toward us. So we responded with Shania Twain’s Man I Feel Like a Woman. Everyone had a good laugh and we made some new friends in the process.

Being out and visible has allowed me to be very active politically. It has also allowed me to do classes at colleges and universities where the students are eager to learn about us. I believe being visible is how we will progress as a community. I was honored by being names “Lifetime Achievement Marshal” at Ottawa’s Capital Pride in 2013. I am doing things now that I would never have believed possible when I first came out. It is so much better being out and visible and being proud of who I am rather than being in that closet. The closet is a horrible place to be.

Tags: closeted, coming out, crossdressing, featured

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion