My Transgender Story

This is my trans-spiritual, transgender story. I admit it’s a freaky, existentialist, mind bending thing to think about, but isn’t it true for all of us that at some point we’ve had a moment where we wistfully used the cliché “I wish I knew then what I know now?” The only thing that’s different between all of us is, when was “then,” and do I really know more, now, than I did then?

Here’s the spiritual answer for transgender folk like us: you did know then what you know now. In fact, you knew more “then” than you do now. The gender rules we were taught from birth and the roles we accordingly played, made us forget for a while what we intuitively knew about ourselves or at least questioned. We gave up true gnosis for epignosis. Gnosis is the ancient Greek word for intuitive or spiritual knowledge. Epignosis is the Greek word for learned or experienced knowledge.

When I review my life through the lens of gnosis I can clearly see that little girl I’ve always been and wanted to be. She’s curious about her mother’s makeup and putting on lipstick. She’s wishing she could wear the silky soft underwear in her mother’s dresser drawer. She’s standing in front of a mirror with her boy parts hidden wishing they weren’t there. She’s accepting an Oscar for best actress. I didn’t think it was weird, until I got busted, more than once.

From my first conscious moments that I can remember, I felt different from the others. As a small child, my thoughts were beyond my years when I compared them to my playmates. My curiosity to learn as much as possible about nature, the heavens and my fellow inhabitants of planet earth was not the norm. I was just as curious about God. Not the God taught in Sunday school. The God I saw was in the stars, the flowers and everything that was beautiful.

When boys my age wanted BB guns, GI Joes and train sets, I coveted things like microscopes, telescopes and rock collections. I loved birds, and I drew them. I painted. I liked doing solitary things. I was creative and sensitive. I never had the urge to play with dolls, other than undressing my sister’s Barbie dolls to admire their naked plastic bodies. I understand now that my attraction to girls was aesthetic and not romantic.

Because I was different and “looked like a girl” as some mocked, I was bullied and made fun of. I was even teased by adults, including relatives. I didn’t mind my aunt saying I was “too pretty to be a boy.” I liked hearing that, until I got older and had to get serious about conforming to my birth assigned gender. High School was the worst four years of my life. Homophobic slurs were hurled my way, and I was beaten up. Once, I was attacked and partially undressed to see if I had a vagina. Of course, they used the more vulgar name for it as I struggled to get them off of me. They got their answer.

I coped with all of this by sweeping it under the rug. I didn’t show how it made me feel and compensated with a phony, outgoing, happy me on the outside. I played a role. I tried to be the “golden boy.” I went through a period of depression. Playing sports was a diversion or maybe an attempted “cure.” Because of intermittent periods of depression continuing into college, I partied hard to try to overcome it and struggled academically. Somehow I graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Journalism minor.

After carrying negative energy and buried, low self-esteem around most of my life, I finally acknowledged “it.” It came to the surface where I could finally deal with it. Rip the band aid off. I’m out. Everyone in my life and people I’ve never met know I’m Beverly. Allowing vulnerability to become my ally and not my enemy was a crucial step in reconciling, healing and becoming my authentic self. In the process I reached a liberating state of higher consciousness where a tremendous weight was lifted and a new life with greater awareness was born – this is the trans-spiritual part of my transgender journey. I’ve read of others having the same experience.

I’m learning more about who I am and what I am every day with each open experience. I’m finding my purpose and why I’m here. I’m not a believer. I’m a knower. Belief is too uncertain. I have to know. I still have work to do in that area. If you’re still gender questioning or facing obstacles to being the binary or non-binary gender you feel you are, be patient and don’t give up. There is no playbook to go by. It’s your own experience and it will happen for you at the right time and in the right place. There may be pain, but keep the faith. It’s worth working through it to find the joy in being you.

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Tags: featured, Identity, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul