Mirror at the End
The event of the night ends, and I head back to the motel room for the inevitable end game. Sometimes I encounter people on my way in, sometimes not. I’m getting used to the taunts when I do.
So then I look at my reflection in the mirror. I usually see a very tired looking woman looking back. Sometimes I’m red-eyed due to the contacts bothering me (or is it the drink?) My hair is usually just a bit mussed, and my lipstick color uneven due to some of it being left on various straws, glasses, maybe a cheek or two.
I dread this moment: The moment when I have to change out of my feminine dress and back to drab male clothes.
Usually I start with my nails. They’re stick-ons, and come off with relative ease. Then my eyelashes (if I’m wearing them.) Earrings. Rings, bracelets, any other jewelry.
Now the real bitch — I pull off my wig. It’s usually bobby pinned and taped in place so this hurts! Riiiiiip! If I look in the mirror then, I see a guy in makeup and a dress. Yes, the hair makes the look that much!
Then, the outfit, pads, etc. Shower thoroughly. Pack. Go home.
Why dread all this? Simple. By HAVING to change back, it makes very plain to me, each and every time, that I’m living a lie. That I can’t go home as Sophie. That in my everyday life, I am not a woman. Or at least, I’m not living as one.
I’m sure you’ve all heard this song before — oh woe is me! My question, each and every time, is what do I do about it? How do I stop the lies and stop changing in motel rooms?
I have determined that I must tell my wife. The lying is eating me up inside. Heck, it may kill me before my wife does! (Joke — cue laugh track.)
If you follow this column, you know what may and probably WILL happen after I tell her: I will be tossed out.
So why tell her? After all, it’s been three years and I haven’t been caught. Why not keep it going?
Simple — I hate lying. I’ve had two people recently say that they don’t respect me due to lying to my wife — that I don’t have the courage to just BE Sophie, damn the torpedoes. That I’m lying to myself.
So how am I lying? Am I lying denying my feminine side, or am I lying thinking that I AM a woman. Is this some kind of “revenge against my wife” sort of thing? Am I having an affair in which I myself am “the other woman?”
Or am I truly Sophie: a woman?
These are all questions that would drive even a therapist crazy. There are no simple answers.
But I will tell her. I must make sure I have my “worst case scenario” plans ready. Let’s face it, I work two jobs but am still broke. Rent on my own? Ummmm . . . Fear not — I’ll have a plan. Because I need a plan.
It comes down to this: is Sophie just a little fun on some weekends, or is she Me? And the answer is becoming quite plain. As plain as the face looking back at me from the motel mirror.
Category: Transgender Body & Soul
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Sophie there is one other comment I would make. You must level with your wife. Look, you don’t dictate the clothing she wears or use her to enhance your own image. She has no right to try to control you anymore than you have a right to control her. Tell her you love her but if she loves you then accept what you are.
Sophie your view of yourself is too digital. It’s 1 or 0. Please discover the infinite values between these two. You’ll find many styles of women’s clothing that is comfortable, good fitting and does not make a strong femine statement-just a whisper. I rarely wear male clothing but people hardly notice that. This is the clothing for your everyday wear. I find size 8 regular at waist women’s is a perfect fit for me-far better than any male pants. I match this up with soft sweaters without identifying buttons and in neutral shades. For outdoor wear a bandana covers a MPB dome. Of course do your dress up thing when appropriate but please, just like any other women, not way over the top. There are really invisable foundations and bu all means stay clean shaven.
Sophie
It was a wonderful post that hit home with me and I am sure with a lot of other readers.
We sometimes wish that our wives would or could embrace this part of who we are but after decades of a wonderful marriage I still have a hard time explaining the ‘why’ of it all to the person who I love more than life itself. The most painful part of things is being less than 100% candid about this part of my life.
I do not hide much (some clothes that she has not yet found and perhaps my time online) but it pains me to have this part of things kept away from the most wonderful woman in the world.
Pat
I was the same lady,s as I stayed hidden as i used wks. ends for hunting and fishing to go away to dress as a lady and go out and have fun then come back home., I now am single and the spring of this yr. I went 100% public of living full time as a woman no mater what it was going to cost me and I have a greater piece of mind and have become 100% happier than I have ever been and I will live the rest of my life living as a lady, I am not Gay Nor am I doing this for sexual reasons, At 65 yrs old I just want to be happy living as a lady, Just wish I could find more ladys like me to be friends with.
Yes, know how you feel as I like to dress as a female at home and have been out a few times, but it is sad to have to come home and back to what I am. I love being a woman as I love the feel of the clothes against my body. Any way Merry Christmas to all.
Love
Camille
I loved your story. I also live to dress up as Janine and hate to have to end the illusion every time the evening is over. I can only dress when my wife is away because she will not tolerate it.
I was there myself for too many years being able to use travel as my getaway. But it may not always be that way. Eventually I told her. She’s tolerant but not accepting. We all have our own circumstances and telling creates its own set of problems. Its usually the best way but not always. Only you can make that judgement. Is the woman in the mirror you? Yes she is and will always be.
Hugs…..Tasi