Metamorphosis: Part V

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A mysterious smog had fallen over the lake some time ago. Mark and I sit here at the bank of the lake shivering. We are sitting as close together as possible without getting too weird. After all he is me and I am him, or rather he was me and I was him. Well, at least before that lady gave me that terrible, wonderful drink.

Don’t get me wrong, l love the way I look but it’s hardly worth freezing to death. It definitely is, but I wouldn’t admit it. The more I speak with my former self the more I see these glaring differences.

The way I was before — so unhappy, so unfulfilled. Mark keeps to himself trapped in his own mind and I know he wishes he were me now. He is showing those telltale signs of jealousy. It’s easy for me to spot because I felt the same way whenever I had watched an attractive woman walk into Macy’s or Victoria’s Secret. I would pay close attention to her eyes and the way she might have lined them or what color lipstick she chose to accentuate her outfit — secretly wishing I had the courage to one day walk amongst others as Raquel. 

I was hidden from the world and all alone. Anyone who bears a secret of this magnitude almost has to feel alone. Finding support was few and far between. Sure, it was a rush to tell strangers but admitting your feelings to the ones you care about the most was hardest. When I finally started hormones and told my family, only one person took it poorly. My dad. We haven’t spoken since I emptied my soul.

My mom is always worried about me and is unsure if I will be able to hold a job ‘dressing and acting like a woman.’ I try to explain that I’m not acting. I am actually a woman but those details aren’t accepted as facts. Little does she know there are plenty of opportunities for a trans woman. Not every company in the world is as obtuse as my parents.

It’s weird; I’m starting to remember more from my life as time goes on. I used to be think like Mark but became fed up one day and didn’t want to live this lie any longer. I lost a hundred pounds and finally went to see an endocrinologist. I felt wonderful, I looked fairly sexy in a dress but couldn’t pass as a woman just yet. I wanted more. My outside had to match what was inside my heart. Anything less wouldn’t have been accepted. It was sort of an addiction but not in a bad way. Then I ended up here and the old woman took over the rest. That can’t be all. Something is missing from the story.

Mark sits next to me in silence and I know what he is thinking. Thoughts of our father and what he said that day. You see, I am not the only one to come out of a closet in the family. My brother is gay and he came out as soon as he left for college.

When dad found out about me he said, “Get the hell out. Your brother is more of a man then you are! I guess I’m surrounded by fags.” It was truly horrible. The feeling that you’re not wanted always is. I tried, well Mark tried to explain it to dad but it was no use. He always was and always will be a stubborn man. I would say it’s his loss, but when family is involved we all lost a piece of ourselves that day. Forever.

“I hear something coming from inside the mist,” Mark interrupts my dreadful memories and returns me to the comfort of this frozen forest.

The fresh smell of pine mixed with the winter air reminded me of Christmas time. A time I used to spend with family. The last few years it had been a lonely night full of watching ‘The Santa Claus’ movies by myself. Here I go again back into this shit.

“Do you hear it, Raquel?” Mark asks.

I look over to him and respond, “I haven’t paid attention. I was thinking about dad.”

“So was I. Don’t worry about that stuff now. There is a noise.”

“I still don’t hear it,” I exclaim.

“Shhh, listen. It sounds like the creaking of a boat or something.”

I close tear drenched eyes, try to get past the anguish in my heart and listen. He was right! I hear the same clanking and clacking of wood against water. It does almost sound like a boat. “Yes. I hear it too.”

“I can’t see shit through this murk,” Mark announces as he stands near the water looking out into the dense fog cover over the lake. He couldn’t have seen anything because I don’t see anything.

The sound we hear draws closer and closer. After a few short moments, I finally see it. “Look Mark over there!” I screech with my finger extended out over the still waters.

“We’re saved!” He yells.

I see the bow of a little rowboat emerge from the mist. It’s magnificent. As it gets closer I can see two oars laying down upon the seats. I run into the almost freezing waters and grab on to the boat and pull it to the shore.

“A boat hardly saves us in this situation but it’s a damn good start.” My reservations about taking this boat into the unknown is sincere. I’m petrified to find out what’s on the other side of this lake. It would seem that someone or something has other plans for us.

“Well, at least it’s warmer on the other side. We have a better chance of survival over there,” Mark replies with an optimistic view of our future.

I was certainly proud of him.. “Well, that’s a great way to look at it, Mark. I’m just a little afraid of what we may find. The whole experience has brought back bad memories and thoughts. Thoughts I forgot I had. Thoughts I never knew I had.”

“I’m afraid too,” he continues, “but what other choice to we have? You know damn well what we have to do, Raquel.”

Now we have the means to get to the other side of the lake. Hopefully we can find out a little more about the old tricky woman and this strange world.  

Mark folds his arms and I place my hand on my hips and say, “What next?”

“That was rhetorical, wasn’t it?” Mark asks.

“You know me so well.”

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