“Message from Stan’s Wife”

| Feb 8, 2016
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[Part 2] [Part 3]

It started out as a usual late afternoon session logging on to her email account. There were a couple of new responses to her latest Craig’s List ad, a message or two from ‘girl’ friends. She left them all for later. Her attention focussed on one titled “Message from Stan’s Wife.”

‘What is that?’ she thought to herself. It could be junk mail but on the other hand she had recently reconnected with a married man named Stan and they were planning to get together someday soon. Stan had even talked about including his wife in a little tryst. Maybe the wife was writing with an invitation, she thought.

She opened Stan’s wife’s e-mail first. The contents were not what she had hoped:

Hopefully you have enough room for Stan at your place. I am sure your spouse does not mind sharing. I do. Stan will need a place to stay. I am not interested in sharing sex. You can deal with his sexual wandering. I am over it. You can take the risk for STDs I am not interested.

Thus started a month-long and somewhat convoluted exchange of messages.

But first some background:

Names of people and places are being changed. One of the participants was good enough to share with me the email exchanges she had between the other two parties but asked that they not be identified by name.

‘She’ is a self-identified crossdresser in that she enjoys appearing as a woman but feels no desire to be a woman. She also enjoys the company, socially and sexually, of men. It is not so much that she revels in the sight or feel of a penis that she enjoys men but she enjoys the validation that an aroused man gives to her feminine image. She once described herself as not heterosexual, not homosexual but ego-sexual.

Stan is a long-time admirer of TSs and CDs. His first sexual experience with a trans-woman goes back to his teen years and despite two marriages and several children he retains that interest and enjoys cultivating relationships with interesting t-girls.

‘Stan’s wife,’ the writer of the email quoted above had been with Stan for about ten years, married for the last three. I will call her Susan. I like that name. It is worth noting here that she came in to Stan’s life long after he became ‘imprinted,’ as he calls it, on t-girls.

Our heroine met Stan online about four years ago when she posted to a TG contact site that she would be spending the winter in their part of Florida. They exchanged messages but nothing came of it. The next year they had one lunch at Stan’s invitation but still nothing came of it.  Nothing more happened for two years until out of the blue he responded to her latest Craig’s List ads. They agreed to meet some time for lunch at the same seaside restaurant they had visited years earlier but again nothing happened. That is nothing happened until that ominous email landed in her inbox.

So, what does one do when confronted with an accusatory email like that? She remembered advice she had received many years earlier about the three things you can do when accused of an affair:

1)Deny. 2) Deny, and 3) Deny.

She decided to deny they were having an affair. It was also the truth. Here is how she worded it:

Excuse me but I have not had nor do I ever intend to have sex with anyone named Stan.

There is a Stan that I met a year or two ago for lunch one day but he told me he was now married and that would not play around on his wife.

We were thinking of getting together for lunch again but just for lunch and just to talk about how my life was going.

I think as far as I am concerned you have the wrong impression.

I do not know if he is wandering with others but he is not with me, for sure.

Within a short time a reply came back:

Thank you for your kind reply. Sadly, your version of the reason for the lunch time liaison is very different from Stan’s. It is irrelevant at this point. You may benefit by writing a book about how Tranny chasers break up their family life. Or are pre-op Tranny chasers bisexuals in denial?

She thought too bad Stan had not received the same Deny, Deny, Deny advice. But she also thought what would she know about a ‘tranny chasers’ family life’? She could not let that one go:

How could I write a book about how ‘tranny chasers’ break up their family life.

I don’t know anything about your situation but let’s look at this in general terms.

A man and woman meet and fall in love. She loves his personality but she doesn’t know all about him. He has a penchant for/an attraction to crossdressers. She doesn’t know about it but nonetheless it is part of the personality that she came to love. It was probably formed in to his personality as a result of an event or events that have long since been repressed. Maybe it is the part of his personality that helped make him more sensitive, or more respectful of her needs or whatever it is she loved. It is part of the full package.

She finds out about it.

So what does she do? Does she say that he has to discard a part of the personality package? Of course most women do say that but in doing so she is taking out an important building block of that personality she loves.

Would she be better off to recognize that he has this quirk in his wiring and to squash that would be to kill the personality she loves? I think only a very strong woman could do that.

My best as you work through things.

When I read that I thought that philosophy sounds familiar. Then I remembered she is a regular of my TGForum column. Good on her. I must be rubbing off.

If our heroine expected a full response to what she thought was a masterfully logical point she would be disappointed:

If  only things were that simple. Here is the real question. Does a husband have the right to subject his wife to the results of risky sexual practices with high risk participants.

‘How dare she brush off a perfectly logical argument with a non-sequitur!’ I thought as I read through the chain of emails.  However our heroine was not deterred:

Of course a husband does not nor does a wife have that right to put a partner at risk but what evidence do you have of risky sexual practices? And what expertise do you have to judge a practice as risky. I can assure you that any partner with me is not going to be engaging in any ‘risky sexual practices.’ I know the signs of herpes, gonorrhea and other STDs. If I see any of those signs then sex is out of the question. And if a man is going to enter me it is going to be while wearing a condom. No exceptions. Now that STD-free certificates are so available I may start insisiting on partners having a current one.

Besides the wife can always keep herself safe from risky behavior by refusing to have unprotected sex with a husband who wanders.

“If only things were that simple”? That is not a simple concept at all. It requires people to understand that so many factors throughout life go into forming one’s personality and that many of those factors are beyond the control of the individual. Too many of us prefer life to be black and white when there really are so many factors that go in to everything in life.

If you would ever like to get together for a chat so you can see for yourself that I am not threat  I’d be glad to meet you somewhere.

Did I read that right? Did our heroine just offer to meet with the wife of a man who wants to take her to bed? Excuse the gender improper metaphor but that is sort of ‘ballsy’ isn’t it? I couldn’t wait to read Stan’s wife’s reply.

It seems our girl had to wait a few days for a reply. When it came, the subject line had changed. All the others had been “Message from Stan’s Wife” and of course “RE: Message from Stan’s Wife.”

This new message was titled ‘Final Message from Susan.’

I am very sad to say that while I was considering your offer of clarification I discovered that Stan did indeed have a pre-arranged sex tryst scheduled while he was out on business in New York. I could not take the pain anymore. I have been aware of ads, dates, and pre-arranged hotel rooms in the past. Naturally these things upset me and I pled with Stan to end them. I cried, name called, and generally bitched until I had to leave the house due to frustration. The more anxious and suspicious I got the more he withdrew. I have been more tolerant with this problem than with any relationship in my past.

 I am truly heartbroken that it has come to this. From the start I had no idea where to go with this situation. I went to bars and he introduced me to a TG friend of his. It was a pleasant meeting. I searched for information about spousal attractions to TG’s. There was no valuable guidance. I certainly do not have a Personal vendetta against Transgenders. I asked Stan over and over for understanding. Stan could not clarify the situation. Every time I found that he was flirting or chatting with a TG it sent me into an emotional frenzy. He asked me to tell no one as to protect his reputation. The fact that I had no one to turn to just made it worse. Imagine if you had a problem that was destroying your marriage and NO ONE to confide in because you are protecting your beloved spouse. It stays bottled up and the pressure expands with every incident. Yes I am heart broken. Again I weep as I type this letter. I do not expect a resolve from you. I am just giving you a perspective from the other side. I will pray that as time goes by that Stan finds happiness and comfort in life.

Peace, happiness and health to you.


‘Final message’ usually means something like ‘please don’t bother writing back.’ However our heroine just could not let it go. Check back in four weeks to see how our girl seems to gain Susan’s trust as their conversation continues.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Fun & Entertainment

Linda Jensen

About the Author ()

Canadian writer Linda Jensen is a long time contributor to TGForum. Before the days of the Internet Linda started her writing with the Transvestian newspaper. Her writing ranges from factual accounts of her adventures to fiction although frankly sometimes her real life adventures are stranger than the fiction. Linda is married to a loving partner who upon learning about Linda said, "she was part of you before I met you. Although I didn't know it she was part of the package I fell in love with. I don't want to mess up that package." "Does it get any better than that?" asks Linda.

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