Meet Mx. Alex Hall

Good Evening; Kits, Cats, and Queens!

Please allow me the pleasure of an introduction: My name is Mx. Alex. (Gemini, Libra Moon.) and I’m happy to have this moment to reach out to you and say: Hello, World!

Properly, we’ll begin with our Forum’s royalty. To our Regents, glamorous and spectacular; since I was a little femby, I’ve admired your selfless grace and longing to bring more light and beauty into the world. Had you been performing in those nights now past, you’d have found me outside in the back alley with my combat boot propping the door open while I smoked my spliff and wondered why I never had the courage to go inside and introduce myself like a proper lady.

To all the cool Cats out there in the virtual world; I’ve learned so much from you over the years, that I felt I had to reach out through the shared hallucination that is cyberspace and ask your forgiveness for missing all your best parties. I’ll always remember the many nights you’d try in vain to comfort me while I sorted out the conflicting emotions evoked by a puzzling purple gender.

Kittens; I can never forget the playful scars you’ve left me with. I like to trace the old, loving and mostly accidental blemishments while I recall all the stories you’ve shared. More than anything, the sense of play and wonder with which you’ve touched me has been a light shining through the empty hole of dysphoria.

With that preamble over, our story can begin in earnest.

Growing up, I knew I wasn’t like the other kids. I wasn’t rough like the boys or mean like the girls. I had a few friends and even a little romance. My first kiss was with a gentle Bug Girl who wore the same coke-bottle glasses I wore–the only ones for which welfare would pay. My second crush was with a 4H competitive goat rancher. We lasted a week before she called me weird and stopped talking to me. She had the thickest, longest, darkest, most beautiful forearm hair.

The first boy I loved, loved me for a summer. His golden curls shone like a halo. We were too young to know what love was, but for a few months I followed beside him and his adventures through the community. That one police chase was pretty terrifying, but in hindsight I guess it was pretty funny too. Of course it all ended when his friends mentioned how queer our relationship appeared.

I enlisted for a tour, as soon as I was old enough. I’m not strong, quick or coordinated like the boys, so you better believe I took an unfair share of physical discipline; mostly ‘cause during “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” everyone was on high alert for any indication that you weren’t the right kind of person.

I made a few good friends towards the end of my enlistment, including someone I’m sure was the first Transgender masc I’d ever met. He was so hard you could have shattered a diamond by the set of his jaw. He was 5’0” and had the kind of military carriage that says: “Danger, keep away!”

I met my first vampire witch when I was 23, right after I got out of the service. She came onto me looking for a date to bring to the bacchanalia, but instead we ended up talking about love, life and the pursuit of happiness. I like to joke that it was the bite on my neck that turned me into a lesbian.

I tried college for a year, but it ended badly when the towers fell. That alone might not have been enough to keep me from going back to class before they’d expelled me, but it was that same time that I broke my first heart.

I never even knew his name, only his deadname. He never got the chance to tell me. One day, while I was at a popular professor’s house party he appeared by my side; his wry smile and jocular Canadian accent were always so captivating. He told me he’d admired me from afar for nearly a year. He told me he’d only just started coming out and accepting his manhood. He told me he loved me. He said it all in a single breath, like someone who’d practiced until the words lost all meaning. He was the first person to come out to me.

I never saw him again and I never forget how terrified I was the first time I heard someone say they loved me.

I dated a woman after that. We were together for five years, including a year’s break in the middle. We mostly bonded over Indian cuisine and trash-talking the patriarchy. She came out as Bi for me; her friends were less than understanding. I really admired her, but I think the fact we didn’t know Trans Exclusion was a thing had something to do with our breakup.

A girlfriend from my bookclub introduced me to her friend, an activist and sex worker. She was a perfect lady, and only wanted to make me happy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to be happy and shut her down when she began to get through to the real me.

I poured myself into my work, for a while. I ended up meeting a lot of other Transgender people then, but without knowing it. Looking through my social feeds now, I’m still so heartbroken to think that none of my former compatriots thought to come out to me. Something about being a non-binary neurodivergent Trans femme computer programmer makes it extra hard to connect with your old life, I guess.

Then, I met someone. She made me laugh and listened to my computer jokes even though she didn’t understand them at first. I thought I could be myself around her, and for a few years I could. But, it hasn’t quite worked out as expected.

I’ve got a story about finally being able to accept myself. It’s a story that a lot of GNC people will recognize. I understand that manga readers know more than a few titles. It’s not a very good story, the way I tell it, so I won’t try to entertain you with it here. Suffice to say that a medical intervention alerted me to the secret of myself that I’d kept hidden since I was 11.

It took me two months to come out to my spouse. That was June 2021, and in February 2022 I started taking the first real steps towards medically transitioning. It’s something I’ve been dreaming about so long that I worry I’ll wake up tomorrow to find nothing has changed.

No fears! No tears! We’ve learned more in the last year than we’ve learned in the last ten. Self-acceptance is one of the greatest human superpowers a person could have. Finally transitioning has brought such a sense of peace and health to me I sometimes get headaches thinking about how different it all feels lately.

Ok, well, here we are at the end of the blog and I feel I haven’t given you all the infotainment that you deserve. Let’s circle back to that sometime soon, Ok? Thank you.

Good night all you wonderful people!

Alex <3

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Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Transgender Body & Soul