Linda Jensen — Sophia’s Choices

Recently a friend of mine had a thought that she wanted to share with others. She posted it to a number of groups where she belongs such as Erie Sisters, Gender Mosaic, Xpressions and a few others. She expresses a great example of the conflict within many of us. We, as crossdressers, can be happy, very happy, in our male roles and we can find equal happiness in the feminine identities we adopt. She also says that she can get very frustrated with each of the roles at times. Apparently without trying Sophia has also reached a level of success in adopting different habits and mannerisms in her feminine identity than she would use as a male.  If you see a t-girl lurching as she walks and talking with a gruff voice that’s not Sophia.  I wanted to share her thoughts with the TGForum readers. What do you think? Do you feels as Sophia does?

Her comments elicited quite a response from her friends on the various lists. I would be interested to know what the ladies of TGForum have to say.

She wrote:

I am sitting this morning in my office at home and wondering how come sometimes I really feel like being Sophia and sometimes I do not. Sometimes I feel I could be Sophia 24/7 and sometimes never.

In a business meeting the other day I was looking at the women participating and saying to myself, this one is lucky, she can wear perfume, lipstick, nylons, high heels, skirt, lingerie, jewels and all this is helping her look fresh, sexy, attractive and offers her all the personal identity she is looking for.

On the other side, I was looking at another one of the women and she had jeans, t-shirt, running shoes, no make up, no perfume, obviously plain underwear, no jewels and her hair looked like a mess, she also had the liberty of being who she felt like.

I was jealous, the maximum limit I had as a male was, either jeans/t-shirt or a suit with a tie. Usually when I come in with a close shave, a suit and a tie, all women go! Wow! It drives me nuts, I know that I look good but also know that I look like 90% of men that wear a suit.

Women can choose to dress in femme mode or male mode and its ok, men on the other side have a very narrow margin. We start dressing in male fashion and we get the ??? Is this guy gay?

Last week, I was for 8 days in torn jeans, sweaty T-Shirt and steel toe working boots to build my workshop in my cottage garage. It was a great project and I lost 4 pounds , 2 inches of waist and my wife was finding me sexy. I did not feel at all like being Sophia. This week back at work, I am looking forwards to being Sophia but must admit that it is strange, I feel my muscles, look at my short nails, the couple of bruises and cuts from the project and do enjoy some of it.

I also look at the growing hair on my chest, legs and arms and find it ‘ yukkie’  I’m getting a waxing ASAP. This fall, Sophia is starting her laser treatments and getting her ears pierced. I do find sometimes that when I am Sophia 4 days in a row that it is hard to fully come back to my male side, same feeling as my workshop project but on the other side. The other day when I undressed Sophia from the Gals Spring Fling, I cried, I felt I was letting her go and was very emotional about it.

I do have what I could call, quite a high balancing pendulum, my male side does not like Strawberry’s and Sophia loves them. My male side does not like to dance, Sophia is always on the dance floor. Male =  races his car and Sophia = drives her automobile, Male = listening to the music and Sophia to the lyrics, Male = Walks with his shoulders and Sophia with her hips. This pendulum effect is getting more and more a -10 and + 10 than ever.

All this said, throughout the years of my adventures with Sophia, I am for now more than ever a Crossdresser. I don’t know if this will change with time, all I know is that when I miss Sophia, I miss her big time and when I don’t want her around, I really don’t want her around.

Here is a comment typical of the initial responses:

Hi Sophia,

You wrote a very eloquent email this morning. You brought up memories of me a long time ago. I can remember the time I looked at a smartly dressed woman and the feeling was different than most males would have. I want to be her.

Over time my female side became stronger and stronger. I could not hide who I was. Rachel wanted out in the worse way. She is alive and vibrant when out and my male side has now become withdrawn. I finally started to see a therapist and started hormones 18 months ago. I have now come out to several family members. My transition is slow but slow and sure wins the race.

I also go to work every day in a suit and tie, with all the trimming short hair and short nails. That is only the exterior of the building. I am really female inside and it gets hard each day to present someone who I am not. I am sitting in my office and after reading your email my feeling are overloaded. It might be that I go full time sooner than later.

R.

What do you think? How do you juggle your male/ female roles and feelings?

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion