I’m Okay

Honestly, I haven’t known what I should write. I’ve been struggling with this all week. It feels like not much has happened, but as I looked back on the past month or two to see what’s been happening with me, I realized something.

I am okay.

Now, when I say that I’m okay, I mean several things.

1. I’m okay with my gender. My gender has been a big problem for me for a long time. When I was in fifth grade, I dreamed of becoming a girl. When I was in seventh grade, I thought that I had been born intersex and my parents had just never told me. I’ve had a long history of struggling with my gender, and although it’s a lot more complicated than I (or anyone in my life really) thought it would be, I’ve come to terms with it. I’ve been on hormone therapy for the past year and a half or so, and I’m very happy with the way I look. I no longer dread looking in the mirror. I see more of what I want to see than I did four or five years ago. Instead of seeing a sad boy, I now see me. And sure, I don’t look ‘normal’, but normal is boring. I’m much happier seeing my true self than someone who is ‘normal’. I don’t have a gender because I don’t need a gender because I am agender (pardon the pun).
2. I’m okay mentally. I’ve actually been doing pretty well in terms of my brain. I feel a lot more okay than I used to. Most of my wellness is due to my work in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) as well as my trying to get better. Yes, I have been doing my very best to get better. I’ve been cooperating with my therapist and others who are trying to help me. I’ve been taking steps to better myself. I’ve been using my coping skills and all that stuff. I’ve been talking when I need to talk. And I’ve been working on letting bad feelings pass while also cherishing good feelings. All in all, things have been pretty good brain-wise.
3. I’m okay socially. I’m someone who may be described as ‘having social issues.’ That being said, I’ve been doing a lot better socially. I’ve been making new friends and finding more things to do. I’ve realized that it’s okay to befriend coworkers and general people whom I see a lot. There are a lot of good people in my life, and being surrounded by good people makes me feel good. I’ve never had many friends, but I now see that as a positive. It’s better to have really good close friends than it is to have a ton of acquaintances.

All in all, I’ve been doing okay. I’m okay gender-wise, emotionally, and socially. I’m very happy with where I am right now, and that fact brings me a lot of comfort. I am now okay with being me.

Blessed Be,

M

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Tags: agender, featured, Identity, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul