Ho, Ho, Ho

Sophie file this before the Christmas holiday.

Ho, Ho, and who you callin’ a Ho? It’s Sophie Lynne and it’s Christmas. I guess it’d be more “politically correct” to say it’s (fill in the blank) but let’s face it: here in the US Christmas is everywhere and permeates everything. Can’t avoid it, even by lighting eight candles against the darkness. So ho ho ho and here we go!

In such a cheerful holiday setting, I am going to talk about something as common as bad drivers and rude shoppers during the holidays: Lying.

Yes. Lying. “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.” “Lies, lies, lies, yeah.”

As I type this, it is the Winter solstice. Shortest day of the year — a day of darkness. Hidden somewhere in this house are all the trappings that make me look female. (They don’t MAKE me Sophie, they just make me look like her. I’m always Sophie.) My wife is probably unaware of their existence. I say probably, and I’ll get back to that.

See, by hiding my double life from her, I am lying. It’s a lie many of us live. Why? Why deny who we really are? Well in my case it’s because she would throw me out. I think.

I’ve been married 18 years. Wow I’m old! 😉 I didn’t marry an idiot. She is quite an intelligent woman. So, let’s look at what I have done so far to drop hints, try as I might not to do so.

1) Halloween 2008: I went dressed as Lois Lane to her Clark Kent. She saw me in full drag and was thoroughly disgusted by it. This, by the way, was the night of my re-awakening.
2) In August of 2009, I went into Philly with a friend. We had some drinks and I got both my ears pierced. She and her mother hated it. Her mother called me “faggot” and “fairy.” Eventually, the furor died down. My ears are still pierced.
3) At least once a month, I shave my legs and arm pits. During the summer, I occasionally shave my chest. I am a hairy person. It’s noticeable. She mentions it. She hates it. I don’t stop. I have slowly trimmed down my eyebrows as well.
4) Weight loss. Since 2008, I’ve lost a LOT of weight. In fact, I may soon need a new corset.

There are other little things as well, like the cross dressing catalogues she intercepted in the mail that I’ve tried to cancel more than once. The point is, she’s not an idiot and may have figured this out. Yet if she has, she hasn’t confronted me with it. My therapist thinks she may be deep in denial.

So the lies continue. At least once a month, I put on a skirt and makeup and meet my t-friends. I live for it. I lie to achieve it. I hate lies. People who know me know I am blunt to the point of rudeness. It’s a fault, yes, one of many. I hate lies. Yet to dress as a woman, I lie to the person I am supposed to be devoted to and share all.

What if I continue down the road? I’d like to get laser done on my face. What if I decide that I need to be Sophie more often — even full time? At what point do I tell her?

Many of the people reading this face these questions. Some have answered them in their own way. I am in awe of their courage. My God, what they have overcome! And to do what? Something that 90% of society spits upon! Yet it’s something they must do. I understand this, even if I am too afraid to join them.

I guess right now on this longest night, I will wonder what is next. Where I am to go from here? But I know what will happen. I will wait, and I will lie. And swallow all the pain and frustration that it entails.

That all said, may your holidays be of as much possible joy and may the New Year bring us all courage as it will be harder for us. Take heart — be strong, and a new pair of pumps would be nice, if you’re reading Santa! 😉

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion