Goodbye Old Friend

(Click on the photos for a larger view.)

I decided to go for it. I was staring at a huge hill that was covered with heavy, white snow. I HAD to make this hill. Cars that had not made it were starting to line the side of the monster hill before me. My heart pounded as I made my descent to gain speed and momentum.

I failed to check the forecast before venturing out that day en femme to go to my therapist. I did notice it starting to snow when I left earlier that afternoon. “Just flurries”, I thought. “No big deal.” I had driven in snow hundreds of times living 40 years in the Pittsburgh area. I was not concerned.

The therapy session went very well and my therapist was impressed at how pretty I looked. I think I stunned him a bit at the transformation. I felt so great that day. As I stepped outside, dusk had fallen and so had the snow. I definitely wore the wrong shoes. My dainty flats were sliding and snow was clinging to my jeans like salt on a margarita glass. I became concerned. Here I was, dressed like a girl, out on a now treacherous night with ID and insurance that did not match my presentation.

Maxx would get me home safe. He wasn’t the fleetest of foot in the snow, but he had always gotten me home safe. I really needed him that night. Maxx was my 2006 Chevrolet Malibu Maxx. We had been together for 4 years now. I trusted him.

Our trek home had an inauspicious start. We were ascending a small hill in Greensburg, PA. Maxx was doing just fine. However the car in front was not. It was slowing and spinning its rear wheels. It slowed down our momentum until we had to stop. I could not continue forward, so I slowly backed up toward the curb to turn back down the hill. Maxx slid into the curb with the back wheel and bounced. The front end came swinging around and heading down the hill. The antilock brakes were in full pulsation but we kept moving toward an oncoming car at slow speed. “No, no, no, no!” I pleaded, thinking of the scene with me out there in my flats explaining to the police or the other driver that I was…uuugh, whatever I was doing. Thankfully, we stopped just feet short of the other car.

Maxx at home after the hill.

It was like that all the way home. But, the final hill was a doozie. It was the last hill I would have to try to climb before I got home to safety. Maxx and I rolled down the hill. Faster and faster we went as we tried to gain momentum without sliding off into a ditch. We reached the bottom and started up the monster. We had good speed going. I was hopeful. We passed each car with ease as the tires started to spin just a wee bit. That’s when the complication came in. The road bent to the right. I had to be in the middle of the road to avoid the cars off in the gutter of the country road. It was a complex maneuver. This is where I needed that momentum.

We still had more hill to climb but it gradually flattened as it bent to the right. The wheels started to spin. I was a nervous wreck. My heart was in my throat. “ Please make it, please make it, Oh God,” I pleaded. “Come on Maxxy, GRIP IT!” We were spinning and starting to slow as the back end started to sway. I needed just a little miracle. I got it. All of a sudden, the wheels gripped something for a few seconds giving us just enough momentum to carry us to the top. “YESSSSS!” I shouted, relieved.

We, as humans, tend to anthropomorphize or personify inanimate objects that we use every day. Cars are a big one. The longer you are with one, the more you feel attached. We even pick a gender for them. Some cars seem feminine, some seem masculine. Maxx was easy. His name was right on the back. He was Malibu Maxx. Unfortunately, I will never get to take him all the way to Malibu. I got him very close, closer than a lot of other Maxx’s.

I have never named a car before Maxx. It actually took me a long while to warm up to Maxx. I was coming off of a terrible accident in which my unnamed 2001 Honda Civic was totaled. It was my fault. It was also because of a really terrible intersection that had caused many accidents. It would take two years to sort out the legal and insurance issues. It was hellish.

I needed a new car obviously. I rented a Malibu from Hertz to get around until I could get the check for my Honda from the insurance. I liked the Malibu. It felt bigger and nicer than my Civic. I was a GM and Chevy lover already. I thought the fenders gave it a Cadillac look from the drivers seat.

My (then) wife thought I should get a more “manly” car. So, we went to the Chevy dealer and I spotted the hatchback version of the Malibu, The Maxx. It reminded me of the old hot rod station wagons of the ‘50s and ‘60s. They had just changed the front end that year…and for the better. I test drove Maxx and found him to be just a bit tighter in the suspension than my rental. He was more of a sporty version. The commercial for The Malibu Maxx had it speeding around town and doing impossible things. I liked what I saw.

Maxx was a rental for a short time and so we got him for $15,000 instead of $20,000. He was still new in April of 2006 and had a full warranty. My 5-year old Honda Civic STILL fetched $10,000 from insurance, which amazed me. My payments were very low on the remaining $5000.

Amanda and Maxx.

So the adventure began. But it was not until 2010 that I really began to bond and appreciate Maxx. That was the year everything changed. Early in that year, my wife said that she wanted a divorce. Later that year, things got really bad and I had to leave my home. It was a home that had my blood, sweat and tears in. It also had my father’s life insurance money in its remodeling. It was hard to leave all of that. Maxx became very important to me. He was all that I had. I no more had a home of my own. I ended up living in a room with my relatives about 7 miles away.

I had to make many trips in Maxx to get my stuff out of the house and into storage. I got really good at knowing how much would fit inside of Maxx. With his hatchback and folded down seats, I could actually fit a twin bed inside by moving the front seats up a bit. Hell, I’ve gotten eight foot lumber in there. Maxx was quite versatile.

I think that is where his name came in. He was more than a car to me. He was a friend. Essentially, he was my home. I neither owned nor rented a home anymore. A year would go by before I would actually have an official home again. Not until I moved to South Carolina with my partner, would I again have an address to call my own.

I loaded up Maxx many, many times, stuffing him to the gills with my belongings. I moved way too many times from 2010 to 2014. I had 7 address changes in that time, my relatives, Jess’s house in MD, Florence SC, Camden SC, Irmo SC, Pleasant Hill CA and finally Antioch CA where I remain today. Each time I had to load up Maxx to take me to my new destination. Maxx became a loyal friend who never, ever let me down. We had a deal, I would take care of him the best I could, and he would keep running and get me wherever I needed.

Maxx

I transitioned with Maxx as my chariot. He knew me both ways. He saw every outing, every first step into the world as my new self. Just like that snowy day in early 2011, we had many adventures together. I’ve changed clothes and applied makeup in Maxx, went shopping, went to hotels for some “girl time,” traveled to new places to meet others like me, gone on “Girlcations” to Rehoboth Beach and DC and traveled back to Pittsburgh to change my name and come out to family, just to name a few.

But, by far, Maxx’s pinnacle is our epic trip across the USA exactly 2 years ago. I really, really needed him for that trip. Maxx was aging in 2014. At 8 years old, he wasn’t quite as shiny, had a few dents and scrapes from softball sized hail, a teenage driver and from his owner being careless.

Yes, Maxx was only a year old when I backed through a gate at work because I forgot my phone. I ended up getting him hung up on the protruding gatepost bolts. It was ugly. I was livid at myself. I stupidly took him to a discount shop where they did a shitty job fixing him. It looked okay from a distance, but it always bothered me. After that huge accident, I didn’t want to report it to insurance. In hindsight, that was a mistake.

The cross-country trip spanned from Columbia, South Carolina to San, Francisco California. Well, it was supposed to. I ended up taking a “side trip” to Tacoma and Seattle, Washington. Yeah..I’ve already written about that fiasco story. It’s a story Maxx and I would like to forget.

We ended up traveling about 4000 miles total across this great nation. Maxx was steady as ever, even after I drove him over a curb…twice. I was so pissed. Poor Maxx. I had forgotten that I parked in a lot out in the boonies with a parking space curb in front. So, when I left, I just drove forward. Cla-CLUNK!! “Dammit!!” I yelled. So, I got out, surveyed for any damage, got back in, gathered myself, calmed down. That was really dumb. So what did I do, I drove forward again…Cla-CLUNNNK! “DAAAAAAMMMMMMITTT!!” Poor Maxx.

The Salt Flats.

Even though I ended up throwing Maxx’s alignment out, (which I found our much later as I wore my tire out and ended up with a blowout at 1a.m. on the highway) we continued on. I wondered why all of a sudden I had to turn the steering wheel a bit to the right to go straight. I was too determined to get to Tacoma for some dumb ass relationship. (Puuuke)

On the bright side, Maxx and I saw many beautiful sights. One of my favs is the Utah Salt Flats. I really wanted to take Maxx out and see what he could do on the Raceway. But, he was loaded down and the Salt Flats are covered in water mostly except for summer. Who knew that? Not me.

Maxx and I did finally make it to The San Francisco Bay Area on October 27, 2014. The first thing we did was drive over the iconic Golden Gate Bridge. It was out triumphant entrance into The City by the Bay. I beamed and gushed, “We made it Maxxy!” It was a proud moment. It had been a long road to get here, physically and mentally.

Maxx and I were as close as ever. But, soon after arriving here, the repairs started to add up. There was already a problem with Maxx’s back calipers. When I applied the emergency brake one day back in Pittsburgh on a hill, the calipers froze. It took a while to get them to not rub so hard on the rotors. My gas mileage was reduced. The calipers had released a bit, but not enough. I drove like that for a year.

When I arrived here in The Bay, and had that tire blowout because of the misalignment, I had them check the calipers. They said it would be $900 to fix them. That seemed high to me, so one day, I just disconnected the emergence brake and put on new rotors and brake pads. It was my first brake job. I didn’t like having no emergency brake but it was otherwise in working order.

Shortly after that, the bearing started to make a buzzing noise. It needed replaced. That was $300. The other bearing was going bad too but it was “only” squeaking for about 2 years. I also noticed that my oil light kept coming on. I’d fill it with oil only for it to come on again in about a month or two. I put cardboard down under the engine overnight. Sure enough, an oil leak. I got it checked out at a lube place and they said that the oil was coming from “everywhere.” That was not good news.

Things were starting to break here and there. I went for a year and a half without a CD player. For a person who loves music, this is not good. Radio sucks except for a few stations and the sound is nowhere near a CD. My windshield got cracked by a rock, and since Maxx was old, I had no glass coverage. That was $325.

Maxx was starting to nickel and dime me. Actually the nickels and dimes were getting bigger and more often. I was contemplating maybe trying to add some paint or wheels to make Maxx more sporty. It just seemed like a waste of money. Maxx was sort of cool, but really, he was a family car. Everything I did or planned to enhance Maxx just seemed cheesy. It just seemed like it was getting to be that time.

I had been visiting car lots for months. I thought, “Maybe I can get a solid used sporty or sports car like I’ve always wanted.” I had been wanting a Chevy Camaro since I was 16 years old in 1985. I never ended up getting one in all of those years. I met my now ex-wife and that pretty much ended that dream. Oh, of course she had one when we were dating. I used to love going to get her gas in it. But, it was not mine.

I wrestled with my love for Maxx versus the writing on the wall saying that Maxx was well past his best years. I really struggled with thinking about saying goodbye. It was hard. It still is. I had just put on some new aftermarket headlights and with the new glass, Maxx beamed like he hadn’t in a few years. However, the bed was made, but there were no sheets on, as the saying goes. Maxx looked good, but he was having mounting problems.

Another thing was the depreciation of value for Maxx. His trade in value fell to $1000. For straight sale, the value was probably $3000 to $3500. That’s IF you could find a buyer. I’d already put hundreds into Maxx. It was going to take definitely much more than the trade-in value to fix everything. Selling him outright would be a hassle. Then you have to scramble to find a car. I anguished over the decision.

Across the street from my store where I work, is Walnut Creek Ford. There, they had an array of new and used cars. I took a few after-hours trips to check out the inventory over the Spring and Summer. I’d also visited the Honda dealer on the other corner. About 3 weeks ago, I spotted a sweet 2012 Chevy Camaro on the Ford lot. It was reduced to $16,999. That is the lowest I’ve seen one in that shape. I’d been waiting for them to come down in price. I love the 5th generation Bumblebee cars. Camaros went away from 2003 to 2009. It was a dark time for the brand. But, the reborn 2010 Camaro proved to be even more sought-after than the great Ford Mustang.

I thought of the line from a movie that is a classic to my generation, Risky Business. “Sometimes you just have to say, What the F*ck” I needed to shake things up. I needed something to change. Maxx was not going to be viable much longer. He could have a major repair at any time. Things were heading that way.

I test drove the car of my dreams, the Camaro, and it was sweet. I told the salesman to give me some numbers. A day passed, another day passed. It was now Monday, my usual day off. I had therapy that sunny, pleasant afternoon. I was having a good day.

Feeling good after exiting my therapist’s office, I drove to Pep Boys to look at possible new, cooler wheel covers for Maxx. They all looked ridiculous. Frustrated, I called the salesman at Ford. He said that the payment on the Camaro came back at $454 per month. It was my credit. It was in the shitter. Okay, it was getting better, but it once was in the shitter after my bankruptcy. I filed to get rid of the massive debt that my wife piled up while we were married.

I was disappointed. Credit sucks. I couldn’t even get approved for an apartment here because my score was under 650. It was WELL under 650 in 2014. It is better now and getting close to that magic 650 but apparently, for used cars they are a little tougher on the rates for people with not-so-good credit.

I went to the Ford dealer to see about a Fiat Abarth I saw there. It was really cool and sporty. I thought I might have had a shot at that. No luck. Little did I know that there was a sale going on with Ford. It was a 0% financing sale. Also, it was getting late in the year and late in the month. The manager was eager to sell cars. It was The Perfect Storm.

They told me that I was approved for a 2016 Ford Focus. I was shocked. I thought surely that the monthly payment would be high. But, I didn’t know about the 0% financing going on. Then, I saw a bright red, Ford Focus SE with the cool black wheels that are hot on sportier cars. I took a test drive. I loved it. It smelled so good. New car smell!

I stepped back and waited for the number. It came back a little higher than I wished, but damn close enough. This was for a NEW car. “A NEW CAR!” I could hear the announcer on The Price is Right say. My thoughts were racing. It was not my dream car, but it was in intelligent choice and a damn sporty car that gets 42mpg on the highway. They offered a 5-year, 60,000 mile bumper to bumper warranty. A 3 year or 36,000 mile service plan to cover brakes, and stuff usually the regular warranty doesn’t cover. I would not have to worry about a thing for years. It would all be taken care of.

I used one of my lifelines and I phoned a friend. My good friend Danielle has a good head on her shoulders. She would tell it like it is. I thought I was being smart but I may have been caught up in the moment. She listened to everything and said that it sounded like a fantastic deal. I agreed. I really thought hard about it. I could either have the stress of Maxx having some major repair that is not worth fixing happen any day, or I could have a car payment that I would be responsible for but have a new car that gives me peace of mind and enjoyment for years to come.

Well, after some thought, and some Risky Business, I signed on the dotted line. I bought myself a new car. It was an epic day. I thought to myself, this was the first car of any kind that I bought all by myself with no input or help from anyone. That felt good. Even Maxx needed my ex-wife’s approval. This car would be all ME. I was proud of my decision. I did it for ME.

Amanda’s new auto pal, Scarlett.

Now, I have to live up to the responsibility. I have to ensure that the payments are made one way or another. I WILL do it. Whatever it takes. It may be a bit tight for now, but as minimum wage rises to $15 per hour eventually, it will become easier and easier. I hope to do much better than minimum wage, but for now, I have a new car that I love and cherish, not to mention that peace of mind and a good feeling about being a Ford owner.

I cried when I saw Maxx being driven to the holding lot they call “The Boneyard.” I had to go over to my work’s parking lot and gather myself. I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was a huge day. I missed Maxx and still do. I wonder who will love him now. I hope to God someone does take care of him and enjoy him for the rest of his days. I kept him in the best shape I could. He was clean and looked good. I miss him. I still have a few of his parts and the memories. We went through so much. But it was time to move on.

Now…I have Scarlett. She needs love too. She sat on the lot for months with no one buying her. She’s definitely a girl. She’s too pretty and sleek not to be. Race Red is her official color. A new era begins.

Goodbye Maxx. Goodbye Old Friend. May the Four Winds blow you safely home.

Tags: automobiles, cars, featured

Category: Transgender Body & Soul