Free to be Nikki

| Jan 20, 2014
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Good day my friends, loyal followers and those new to the TGForum. My last post was something of a filler — humor for humor’s sake. Lighthearted and flighty as it was, there was a point to the content. You can be sweet, you can be off-center, you can be serendipitous. You can be anything you want.

That leads to this month’s post. Reflecting on what to write, I stumbled upon the following thought: what would my life be without my feminine side? I dismissed it as too easy to answer. I would not have a closet full of clothes that I wear occasionally, another closet overflowing with shoes that I purchased on a whim only to wear the chosen few that make my outfits complete and make me feel closer to the woman I want to be when I am en femme. I would have more money in my bank account. My life would be simpler. But I would not be happy, as I am now.

That has the advantage of being true but it also comes up short for the following reasons: I have met wonderful, loving and giving people. I’ve been out for a year, and not solidly and consistently but in any event out of the closet and into the public eye. If I had trepidations over who I am and whether my expectations would come crashing down around my stocking ankles and four-inch heels, it took nanoseconds for those concerns to dissipate and become so yesterday! I was instantly embraced by girls who didn’t know me except via social media channels. They accepted and cared about me without qualification. That brought tears of joy, feelings of belonging, of my world being right!

Wasted time is time you cannot recover. I wasted so much time trying to find out who I am. When I finally came out I realized who I am.

Nikki and some of her TGirlfriends.

Nikki and some of her TGirlfriends.

Coming out opened doors of opportunity that I did not know existed. I have met TGirls and forged friendships. Forged is the operative word since we’ve all been through the refiner’s fire, emerging stronger, more self-confident, complete. These friendships are outside the delimiters of my male side. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I can bare my soul, both sides of my soul or is it both souls, to my TGirlfriends. Secrets that prior to coming out remained buried, shackled, locked away. The pain of hidden feelings taunted me — I was alone for so long. Now I am no longer alone, part of an organism that is large, strong and growing.

There is something fulfilling and gratifying about belonging. Calling a place, a time, a group — “home” is rewarding. Yes it is work to be the woman who was locked up and is now free. Hours of grooming, preparing, maintaining and improving. It’s much work to be a woman. But it was more work to keep her locked away. This is not about the feeling of being dressed up and prancing around, although that is a wonderfully freeing feeling. It’s about unbridling my better half. That’s right my better half. Nikki completes me, enables me, gives me strength to be the person I have struggled not to be for fear of being rejected. Believe it or not I don’t need to be dressed to feel Nikki. I am Nikki and Nikki is me. She is with me and impacts my life in so many wonderful ways. I know the woman in you does the same. I see it when we are together. I watch as the community moves like anemone swaying with the warm ocean current.

It was counterproductive to spend so much energy for so little return. Where do I want to invest my personal energy? I want to invest it to make my life better. That’s why I’m here, free and flowing, open and honest, complete!

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul


About the Author ()

Active member of the unconventional girl community; I love to write -- check out my Facebook page! I am usually out and about on weekends with girlfriends and almost regularly once a week on a weeknight.

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  1. Very nice story Nikki. I wish I had been brave enough to do what you have done.