Emily: Robert is Going

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Saturday morning Mother was making breakfast when I came downstairs and Daisy was on the back patio watering plants.

“Mom, can we talk?”

“Sure, sweetie. Daisy told me what you told her last night that you didn’t want to be Robert anymore. Listen, I have a bunch of errands to run and must get all of them finished before I return to work Monday. I’ll be home around 4:00 or so. Can we chat then?”

After breakfast, Daisy and I went to the pool. Since my bikini top never looked good on me being so flat chested, Mom had bought me some waterproof inserts and others for my training bras to provide me with some semblance of having young teenage breasts. My hair hadn’t been cut since I began this quest of exploration being a girl and was now much longer now and fell almost to my shoulders. Mother said we’d need to do something about it soon before school started up again. My skin was really dark from the summer sun and I had distinctive tan lines from wearing a bikini and tank tops. Daisy and I got home about 3 and I took a bubble bath (no more showers) and went out onto the front porch swing and started reading a book.

After dinner Mom sat me down. “Do you want your Sister to join us for our talk?”

“Yes, please, if she’s free.” We all gathered around the kitchen table. Then I said,

“How do I become a real girl? Is it even possible? I certainly feel like one. I am now thinking, dressing, and presenting myself as one daily. But I’m technically not a 100% girl.” I could see both Mom and Daisy thinking and looking back and forth at each other wondering who would speak first or even how to answer another one of my seamless, relentless and challenging questions I seem to always bombard them with.

“Emily.” Mom started. “What you want is not impossible and many have transitioned. But it will be a challenge not only for you, but for all of us. I know there are procedures to do this. Let me talk to some of the doctors at work tomorrow. Okay?” I thought to myself why a doctor? Do I get a pill or shot to be a girl? “Daisy what do you think?” Mom asked.

It took Daisy awhile before she could say anything, then she spoke.

“Em, you will always have my love and support. I’ve heard rumors about a transgender girl at Middle College High on Northgate Way.”

“What’s a transgender? What is a transitioned?” I asked.

Mom said, “It is where boys who identify as girls, like you, and wish to be one. And there are a few girls who wish to be boys too.”

“Why would a girl want to be a boy?” I exclaimed.

“Good point!” Sis exclaimed.

“Sis, what will all of your girlfriends say or even think of me? After all, I’ve seen them naked and they share so much personal information and stuff like that with me. I don’t want to scare them or have them think too badly of me.”

“They all love you so much now, Emily,” replied Daisy, “And much more than you think; and they all consider you a girl, and a good girlfriend. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t continue to love and support you.”

I went upstairs and Daisy and Mom continued talking in the living room. I logged on my computer and looked up the words transgender and transition.

The following evening over dinner Mother started. “I spoke to a couple doctors at work today and this is what I learned so far. First, they both recommend you see a special doctor called a psychiatrist so you can learn and verify this is what you really want to do. The are some that also specialize working with transgender individuals. Second, if you decide to proceed you may likely be prescribed female hormones that will stop or reduce your male growth and allow you to grow your own breasts and have a curvy female body. At your age they should do wonders. There is a final procedure but you have to wait until you are 21 to have it. We can easily have your name changed, but any other legal documents like your birth certificate cannot be changed until after the procedure that must be done later. I’ll talk to you about that procedure at a later time.”

“What happens to Robert?” I asked in my curious manner.

“We three need to discuss that.” Mom said, and Daisy started waving her hand goodbye to him. “There may be issues with you using bathrooms and gym classes in school.”

“But I always use the girl’s restrooms. Why is there a problem?” I asked surprisingly.

“Emily, you present yourself perfectly as a girl now without question because everyone only sees a girl. School is a public place and the school district may have rules and your teachers may be told. There may be laws about who can use what restrooms. You will most likely be accepted by all the girls, but some boys may tease you.” I didn’t understand. Church, the pool, the mall, Scott’s restaurant, the movie theatre were public places and I never had any issues using the ladies’ restrooms at those places. I’m confused again. Will I ever not be confused?

“But, Mom, I don’t want to cause any trouble for anyone or hurt anyone.”

Daisy spoke up, “Don’t worry Emily, at school I’ll make sure our girlfriends keep the boys in line and that the boy sports team players protect you.” Daisy gave me two thumbs up. I knew the Hot List had a lot of clout at school, but wasn’t exactly certain about the extent of it.

“Wow, I didn’t think being a girl would be this hard. I have a lot to think about.” I scratched my head knowing I still had a lot to explore, discover and learn. “If the doctor can help me will you let me see him?” Robert referred to the doctor as him because he had a male doctor.

“I’ll try to make an appointment Monday when I get back to work.” She continued, “Emily, if you think you want to start school this fall as Emily we have start on it after we see the doctor starting with a trip to a salon for a haircut.” I nodded in agreement.

At bedtime, I went to talk to Sis. “Daisy, you have time to chat?” I opened her door and stared in. Daisy had just taken off her bra exposing her breasts. “I’m so sorry, Sis. I should have knocked first and turned around to leave.

“Emily, you may come in anytime. You’re a girl now. Now if it was that jerk little brother of mine who just walked in here, I would have slapped him silly across the room and kicked him all the way down the flight of stairs and out the front door.” She pulled her pajama top over her head.

“I am really worried that your girlfriends will think that I have been deceiving them or violated their trust by not being honest and, you know, by seeing them naked and stuff. I am sure I would feel betrayed if it happened to me. And I feel that I should be honest with them and tell them and be upfront with them. I now feel and wish I would have told them earlier. And what will all their wonderful and nice moms think of me? What do you think I should do? Mother has always told us to tell the truth.”

We sat on her bed. Sis looked me in my eyes and held my hand. “Emily, I can only speak for myself. Personally, I don’t think the girls will dis you if you tell them. And if you tell them first before everyone else knows you may get even more support. You’ve always treated them with such love and kindness. They all think you are so sweet and the cutest girl they’ve ever known. They all consider you their girlfriend too. You don’t dress like a girl to be a pervert just to watch girls change clothes. Mom may want to speak to all their moms herself. I’m sorry. I really don’t know, Emily. This is new to you, me and Mom. You’ve seen me more exposed than any boy ever has. Plus, I accept you as a girl, as my little Sister.” Daisy paused for a second then continued, “And, I am as guilty as you. I helped encouraged your dressing and this exploring. I’ve deceived my friends too. I recommend you find out more from the doctor. Please keep talking to me and Mom about it. Okay?” I nodded yes, Sis gave me a hug, and went to my room to go to bed still confused of what to do. I thought Sis knew everything about being a girl.

I slept poorly, tossing and turning all night. The next morning, I told Daisy I didn’t want to go the pool and needed to stay home and evaluate this exploration and my curiosity and do some research online. I also wanted to make a personal pro and con list for what I have learned — if I could remember all of it.

Mom cooked a pizza for dinner. “Emily, I made an appointment for day after tomorrow with a doctor. I scheduled a personal day off. The doctor sounded really nice and she is interested in meeting you. Are you interested in seeing her?”

“Sure! I’d like to. Will you and Sis come with me?”

“Of course, we’ll both be there with you if you wish.”

“Mom, I was researching online today. I want to come out to my girlfriends. I owe them that. I also made this pro and con list. The pro list of be a girl was much longer than staying a boy.” I showed it to my Mom. She read over it and handed to Daisy.

Mom seemed surprised by my statement and how I arrived at it by making a list. Then she said, “You know I’ll accept and support your decision. Can we at least talk to the doctor first?” Mom said holding my hand. I was excited to see the doctor and to get some clarification on at least a few things. For someone who loves to explore and has a curiosity to find answer on my own this time I needed professional help since I wasn’t discovering all the answers myself.

It was Friday morning when we went do see Dr. Kramer. She was young and very pretty. I wore jeans, at green T-shirt with a sparkly heart pattern on it and white sneakers. First, we all talked as a group. Next, I spoke to her by myself and told her what I was doing and how it started and eventually evolved and that I was dressing as a girl all summer. I told her about the pool, shopping, dances and movies. Afterward me, Mom and Daisy spoke to Dr. Kramer together. I think I came out with a plan, but knew I had to be brave. After her nurse weighed me, Dr. Kramer gave Mom a prescription for female hormones to fill for me at the pharmacy. As we were leaving, Mom said,

“Emily, Doctor Kramer told your sister and me she was really surprised you weren’t a girl when she first saw you.” That made me feel good.

On the way home in the car, I said confidently, “I want to tell my girlfriends. Mom, Sis, can you invite them over tomorrow so I can get this over with.”

Sis stammered, “You think it’s really a good idea and time to do this, Emily?”

I answered quickly, “Will there ever be a good time? In my heart and mind can’t deceive my friends any longer. I don’t know how to tell their parents though. Please? Mom, you’ve always told us to be truthful.”

Mom and Daisy talked when we got home and I went to my room.

Over two hours later, both Mom and Sis came up to my room. I felt content on my decision.

Daisy started, “All of your girlfriends will be here tomorrow afternoon around two, Emily.”

“Can I help you in any way to speak to them?” Mom continued. “I think you are a very brave young lady to do this, Emily. I admire your honesty and being truthful. I am sure your friends will be too.”

“Thank you, Mom, Sis. I doubt I can do all of this without you two. But this is something I must do this on my own.”

Watching the clock every few minutes on Saturday didn’t make the time go any faster. My girlfriends would be here in less than two hours. I was ready. I’d be loved or hated and disavowed, or even cast out in exile to live on Uncle John’s fishing boat forever. In my mind I was ready to accept whatever the consequences of the outcome. I could no longer deceive the people who loved me so much.

Practically all at once my girlfriends seemed to appear out of nowhere and we all sat around the living room. I stood up and started confidently. “I am not who you think I am. I am really Robert and want to be a girl. I apologize for deceiving you and if I violated your trust. I sincerely apologize if I have misled or hurt any of you.” I was unsure if that came out correctly and stood there and waited for my judgement.

Jasmyn looked a Cheyenne and then me and said, “Emily, I think we all knew or at least suspected something already. Actually, not from day one, but sometime in the early summer. However, we weren’t exactly positive at first. In fact, personally I am positive you are a girl! There’s no way you are a boy! Each of us in our hearts truly believe you are a real girl, Emily.”

Heidi spoke next, “But we all knew something wasn’t right. Not by you or how you look, but by other clues. There is no way Robert would be in Portland working on a fishing boat. We all know he hates boats, the ocean, fishing and stuff like that.” Mandy jumped in and said,

“And every time you changed your bikini bottoms you turned your back to us?”

Jasmyn continued, “We all love you and are here to love and support you. In all our eyes and hearts you’re a real girl, our girlfriend. And we all love you and are proud of what you are doing.” All the girls nodded and got up and came over to hug me.

Mom and Daisy sat stunned and in shock from what they heard everyone say; and I was elated.

Madison added, “In the beginning we never suspected you since you look so nice, cute and proper, and you still do each day. You’re always so sweet.  Things simply didn’t add up about Robert’s story. And most times you called your Mother Mom and not Aunt Ellen. Oh, and one more thing, you never wear earrings. All girls our age have pierced ears. Way too many slip ups, girlfriend. We all welcome you to what you call the ‘Hot List’.” I started to cry and Mom came over to hold me.

Mom spoke with watery eyes, “You girls are the most amazing friends anyone could have or ever wish for. Thank you all so much. We are all blessed to have all you in our lives and have love and your support. Emily is starting hormones soon. And if you wish, I’ll gladly speak to your parents about Emily myself.” Next, Mom looked around at all my girlfriends, and said, “Who else knows?”

Mandy looked around at everyone, then spoke, “No need Mrs. Fuller. Our Moms already know. As long as we are okay and happy with Emily, so are they. They all think Emily is so darling and is a girl anyway. I think all of our Moms love her so much they are all conniving how to steal her away from you anyway. So be careful.” Mom sat back down in her chair in disbelief shaking her head from side to side with both her hands to her heart, not knowing what or even how to say anything.

Heidi said, “Only us and our parents as far as we know. We haven’t told anyone and we don’t plan on it. All of us and our Moms were all together one day. I don’t recall where you were that day, Daisy, but we all were talking, and it just came up. We all accept you as you are. You are special to us in all of our and our Mother’s hearts.” I went around and hugged and thanked each of my girlfriends. Mother went to the kitchen and brought us all something to drink.

The Fuller household – Mom and Daisy remained in stupefaction. I was relieved.

Madison’s phone rang, then she spoke out very excitedly, “Mom said it is okay for me to host a slumber party next Friday night! I hope everyone can come. You are welcome too, Mrs. Fuller.” That caused intense excitement of joy and elation.

After I re-hugged and re-thanked each girl they all departed. Mom, Sis and I sat in the living room still stunned.

Mom turned to Daisy. “Daisy, did you know that they knew or that their parents knew?’

“Mom, I had no idea! Mom, really! I am as surprised as you that no one ever brought it up and that they could even keep it from me for so long. I am as shocked as you are. And I am even more surprised none of the other Moms have never called you. Wow! You’ve charmed everyone, Em!”

“I sure am glad I came clean with them. I’d never every wish to hurt them or lose them.” I said, followed by, “Where’s Robert really going to go?” I asked. Mom just slumped sat back in her chair still in disbelief at what she just heard.

Mom slowly came out of her trance. “Uh, can we discuss that later?”

Next: Chapter Seven – Madison’s Slumber Party

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Tags: featured, Identity, Transgender

Category: Fiction