Domestic Relations & The Trans Parent or A Tale of Two Families

The following is a true narrative derived exclusively from my own transition and family experience.

In my early youth, like all of us, I considered my cross-gender yearnings to be some kind of compulsion, something akin to gambling, or excessive drinking, or any other kind of risk-taking behavior. Not something physically risky, but something that could tarnish my reputation should it become known to others. And indeed, I did find myself the focus of ridicule from grade school classmates on the few times I let slip any hint of my hidden nature. I took my beatings and shut up, like we all have.

Puberty brought new challenges into my life, the urge to find someone to love, who would be willing to understand and accept me for who I was, and who would be willing to accommodate her life to be in mine. The first attempt was a strike out, and the relationship lasted little more than a year, but she was older than me by ten years (a real Mrs. Robinson scenario). However a female friend I knew from college introduced me to a friend of hers. Her friend was single, lived with her parents and had a young daughter, not even a year old.

It was her daughter that really drew her to me. She was everything a mother could want (did I say that correctly?) And once my current male roommate left the “little house atop the hill” that we shared, she and her daughter moved in. At once I confided in her what compelled me, and she just said “OK.” Although I doubt that she really understood what she was getting herself into. And neither did I! But we enjoyed playing gender games and such when her parents had the child, and she and I would sometimes get dressed up together and go to the local Holiday Inn on Ladies night (when the drinks were actually free.) We had a lot of fun, and soon we had our first daughter together, and not long after our son. Our family was complete. And we moved into a larger house to accommodate the brood. Who could ask for more?

I could’ve, and I did. I dressed and went out more often alone, and ran the risk of the kids discovering my secret. That thing inside kept gnawing at me until I wanted to scream. I was coming to the conclusion that I needed to transition in order to save my sanity. I started counseling with the goal of starting hormones and getting myself ready for a new life. And as it came it came closer to the point that I was reaching my goal, my therapist decided it was time to introduce me to the children. My wife brought them to one of my sessions. And when my son saw me for the first time he broke out in such a fit of laughter I could only take it as a positive sign. The girls were more staid bout the revelation. Ultimately my wife moved out with the kids, but not too far, a few blocks away I helped them when I could.

And then came the divorce papers. I asked her why she thought she needed to divorce me. Her answer was priceless: “because I don’t wanna be married to no damn woman!” So we were divorced. We shared joint custody of the kids by mutual agreement. I had them every weekend, and every other Wednesday. It was probably the easiest and quickest custody hearing that judge ever had!

Soon afterward, I moved to Philly to attend Temple U. But even so, I drove back home to be with the kids on the weekends. And in the summers I brought them down for a week or so to see the sights of the big city. They always had a good time bopping around town with me. I’m very happy to say that each of them have done well for themselves, begat there own families, and among them, they have given us seven grandchildren, each of whom love their grammas Kris and Liz dearly.

I’m not tooting my own horn. I credit my ex-wife, who was open-minded enough and supportive of me for the way the kids turned out. Even though they are grown now, they remain supportive and kind to me. I have to say, I found a gem in the wife who was willing to walk through my transition with me for the sake of the children. And family get-togethers with the kids’ in-laws can be a real hoot!

How your kids regard and accept you is a matter of how you and your non-trans spouse interact with and treat them. This includes the stepchildren that may appear as a result of blending two families. And twenty-eight years further on in their lives now, they remain supportive and kind and generous to me and my spouse with their love.

DISCLAIMER: the following is a fictional account based in fact and does not represent the experience of any particular client.

Unfortunately, It doesn’t always turn out that way. Early in my career, I would pick up a family court custody case every once in a while, especially if it involved a transgender person.

One case was particularly difficult in that the wife had once been actively supportive and involved in the trans community, but at some time prior to my involvement, she’d turned, and outed her spouse to their friends and his business associates, which made her spouse’s professional life difficult, to say the least; to her credit, she tried getting counseling for their three children, two daughters and a son; but it didn’t really work because it was a faith-based program rather than an empirically-based program. The couple eventually separated; the wife stayed at the marital home with the children, ranging from twelve to eighteen, while the father took residence in an apartment about a mile from the marital home The father had no luck getting his children to visit with him where he lived, and the wife was content just filing her quarterly custody applications.

I got involved near the end of the merry-go-round ride, and along with the last petition from the mother was attached a letter to the judge allegedly written by the oldest daughter, disparaging her father with allegations that seemed too incredible to believe, allegations that amounted to nothing more than abuse and neglect, alleging things about her father that simply that could not be not be believed. The letter was a classic poison pen letter, venomous to the last jot, and I could not believe it had been written by a child about her father (if it had actually been written by her and not by her mother) – who, because of her age, had no legal interest in the proceedings. The wife spent her time before the Court screaming past me at her ex-husband. One can only wonder how her communication skills had been when they lived together. Well, no, no wonder at all.

Nothing was settled at that hearing, except that the two younger children should continue with counseling, and the judge would schedule another date to reconvene the matter. Almost as if by divine intervention, the Judge scheduled round two on the very same date I was already scheduled to give a presentation at First Event in Boston, so I had to tap out and opt for another date farther down the calendar.

The following was an actual case involving multigenerational and absent/incapacitated individuals. I tell it only because the principals involved died several years ago.

But far and away, the weirdest and nastiest proceeding against a transgender person from a family member I’ve ever participated in involved a long-distance teleconference hearing with a judge in Michigan. My transgender client had been married and lived with her wife for many years in Philly. My client’s wife was also in a state of mental deterioration at the time. This time it was my client’s daughter-in-law, who lived in Michigan and had Power of Attorney over her mother, that had filed a divorce action in Michigan against my client on behalf of her mother seeking to seize her mother’s share of the marital estate – including the marital home in Philly where my client still lived. The hearing was a trial of confusion, with mixed pronouns, names, and misgendering abounding. At some point, the judge in Michigan threw up her hands (figuratively) and exclaimed, “Well, it’s not really much of a marriage now, is it!” But in the end, the whole action was moved back to Philly, because that’s where all the relevant parties, except the daughter-in-law, resided and where the assets were. The daughter-in-law insisted that her mother had expressed the desire to be divorced from my client. So we asked the Court to appoint a trans-friendly advocate for the disabled wife, an advocate who was very, very good at her task, instead of the self-serving daughter. The advocate determined that the wife was completely unresponsive to questions and couldn’t express anything clearly at all. So the daughter-in-law took her mother back to Michigan, where she died a short while later.

Family law can, even at its best, be a contentious business, one dealing with love, hate, sex, hurt feelings, more sex, vengeance, sex again, money and greed. It’s great when things work out to everyone’s satisfaction, but when things don’t, it can be sheer hell.

Play nice with one another – okay?

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Tags: featured, legal, spouses, Transgender

Category: Legal