Crossdresser’s Partners Speak

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dee A. Levy. This is my premier article for a new monthly column dedicated to your transgender needs and issues. I am so honored to have the opportunity and privilege to be a monthly columnist for this much needed on-line transgender magazine.

I was married to a cross dresser for 20 years, a secret I kept hidden from everyone in my life. For the first ten years of my marriage, I was a clueless cross dresser’s wife. My closeted crossdresser husband misrepresented himself when he chose not to disclose his lifelong condition prior to our marriage. He finally did “come out” to me ten years into our marriage, saying he had something he wanted to tell me but couldn’t. He had to show me. So, as the clocked ticked ever closer to midnight, he went upstairs, dressed up in my lingerie, and returned to our intimate New Year’s picnic before the fire to give me the shock of my life.

I felt betrayed, lied to, and absolutely devastated. I loved my husband with all my heart but felt I did not know who he was anymore. Where was the trust? Had I ever truly known him? I felt I had no reason to believe anything that came out of his mouth. However, I did stay with him for another decade — until our only child left for college. I sprinted out of there two weeks later, two days before our twentieth anniversary. I was not going to celebrate a marriage comprised of so many lies.

Eventually, I tried seeking help online, which proved to be an exercise in frustration. Sure, I found thousands of sites on crossdressers, although some would not allow me to post my story as the wife of a lingerie-wearing crossdresser. Religious sites would refer me to their clergy, who would refer me to an immediate annulment. Many other sites were immediately critical of ‘unaccepting’ crossdressers’ wives, sending a message that we were selfish, reneged on our wedding vows, and should just enjoy it and go shopping for matching outfits. Finding nothing online that applies to how you feel only makes it worse and when you feel totally alone, it is far too easy to slip into invalidation. I kept thinking, ‘I can’t be the only cross dresser’s wife who feels this way!’ I desperately needed to talk to another crossdresser’s wife who had been trapped in a situation similar to mine. Ultimately, in 2006, I created the oasis I could not find: a nonprofit organization, Cross Dressers Wives, and its website. The site now receives well over two million hits a year.

I decided I could write and share my story, not to expose my ex-husband’s identity, but to bring to light my experiences as a deceived crossdresser’s wife. Then, many of the crossdressers’ wives on the worldwide Forum at crossdresserswives.com suggested collaborating on a book collecting our stories together. My stellar co-writer, editor and cover illustrator, B. Sheffield Hunt, helped mold the international collection of stories into a shocking expose on the secret lives led by many crossdressers’ wives or partners who silently grapple with the issue of crossdressing in their marriage or relationship, a group of women that most of society doesn’t even realize exists.  The new collection of memoirs, The Cross Dresser’s Wife — Our Secret Lives, aims to guide crossdressers’ wives — and society — toward compassion, understanding, and enlightenment in regards to this thorny and often entirely misunderstood issue. These five riveting stories provide valuable and emotionally intimate social commentary on the taboo subculture of crossdressing and the consequences of living in the closet.

1. The Queen of Denial examines denial, a self-defense mechanism utilized by many crossdressers’ wives;
2. The Golden Nugget explores the significance of desire in helping a relationship remain intact;
3. Gaslighting exposes the lengths one crossdresser will go to cover up his secret;
4. His Favorite Woman asks if crossdressing hints that he really wants to be a woman, or is merely a doorway to other sexualities? And,
5. Mr. Wonderful — my own story — ponders the ramifications of a woman’s choice to stay in the marriage.

Multiple psychologically complex issues can surround crossdressing. Often, when the truth is hidden, emotions revolve around a profound sense of romantic betrayal at its deepest, messiest level. These relationships are operatic in scale and shake these women to their core. Why else would a sound woman consider leaving the love of her life and disrupt her family if crossdressing was merely about ‘scraps of clothing?”

In addition to crossdressers’ wives, crossdressers, gender counselors, therapists, transgender, and transsexuals, the book’s prospective audience includes anyone in a relationship where someone is harboring a shame-based secret. The avid armchair psychologist eager for a penetrating peek into the human psyche will find these stories gripping.

My co-writer and I hope the book will gain a deeper understanding of the issue, and will help bust the myths and eradicate the need for such injurious secrecy. Many crossdresser’s wives or partners are marginalized, minimized, and mistakenly believe that somehow their husband or partner’s need to crossdress is somehow their fault. I know I spent years in needless agony, years that took devastating toll on my mental and physical health, destroyed a romantic relationship I thought would last forever, and irreparably ripped my family apart. It is my hope that people will start to think about and understand this unusual group of women, many of whom who are suffering and tell absolutely no one in their lives, not even their personal therapists. Yes, attention does need to go to crossdressers as well. Many of them do not want to purposely hurt their wives/partners and families. They too need society to understand and not judge them. Idealistically, wouldn’t the world be a much better place if we all had a better understanding of crossdressing, transgender, and transsexuals? Here, we can begin to safely and respectfully discuss this topic. I so look forward to your comments or questions in the comment box!

Blessings & Gratitude,
Dee A. Levy

Tags: closeted, featured, partner issues, spouses

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender How To