Bad Photos
A friend posted some pictures she took at our last outing. And I was nearly shattered by them. I know I’m not the prettiest t-girl on the planet, but these were worse than I could have possibly imagined. (Warning: one of the photos is included. Don’t read on if you have a weak stomach.)
As you can see, most of my foundation has melted off, leaving a nice beard shadow shining through. My hair is a mess, my face is sagging, and the camera snapped as I was in mid-blink, so I look like I’m stoned. I wasn’t. Drunk, for sure, but not stoned.
I look like a man.
It’s funny how a picture can change your outlook, your self-image. A friend gave me a snapshot of me from last summer. Me with Beard. And dammit, if I didn’t look not ugly!
I know I try to project an aura of self-confidence whether online or off, because of what I learned in grade school. (Show weakness or vulnerability, and people will pounce on you.) But behind my stiff upper lip is a very insecure little twit.
This photo, combined with some other drama in my life, put me on a downward spiral for much of the last month. I haven’t dressed since the night we took this shot. Matter of fact, I butched up and grew a full goatee.
Okay, I get it. I’m not physically attractive. I’ve known it since I was a teenager, and for the most part, have adjusted to it. But every now and then, it gets rubbed in my face. And I spend a few days trying to talk myself out of it.
So much of my transgenderism is based on appearance, or at least my perception of my self-appearance. If I can’t fool myself into thinking I look good, I have very little interest in dressing up.
Or at least that’s what I’ve believed. Recently, bad photo or no bad photo, the urges have been returning. I almost shaved the goatee this weekend and got painted. Just after I got it filled in and groomed, no less. (It looks good, by the way. I’ve had a couple of GG’s tell me so.) I didn’t, but the temptation is there.
So, there has to be more to being TG than just looking good, doesn’t there?
Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion
