Bad Photos

| Aug 25, 2008
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A friend posted some pictures she took at our last outing. And I was nearly shattered by them. I know I’m not the prettiest t-girl on the planet, but these were worse than I could have possibly imagined. (Warning: one of the photos is included. Don’t read on if you have a weak stomach.)

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As you can see, most of my foundation has melted off, leaving a nice beard shadow shining through. My hair is a mess, my face is sagging, and the camera snapped as I was in mid-blink, so I look like I’m stoned. I wasn’t. Drunk, for sure, but not stoned.

I look like a man.

It’s funny how a picture can change your outlook, your self-image. A friend gave me a snapshot of me from last summer. Me with Beard. And dammit, if I didn’t look not ugly!

I know I try to project an aura of self-confidence whether online or off, because of what I learned in grade school. (Show weakness or vulnerability, and people will pounce on you.) But behind my stiff upper lip is a very insecure little twit.

This photo, combined with some other drama in my life, put me on a downward spiral for much of the last month. I haven’t dressed since the night we took this shot. Matter of fact, I butched up and grew a full goatee.

Okay, I get it. I’m not physically attractive. I’ve known it since I was a teenager, and for the most part, have adjusted to it. But every now and then, it gets rubbed in my face. And I spend a few days trying to talk myself out of it.

So much of my transgenderism is based on appearance, or at least my perception of my self-appearance. If I can’t fool myself into thinking I look good, I have very little interest in dressing up.

Or at least that’s what I’ve believed. Recently, bad photo or no bad photo, the urges have been returning. I almost shaved the goatee this weekend and got painted. Just after I got it filled in and groomed, no less. (It looks good, by the way. I’ve had a couple of GG’s tell me so.) I didn’t, but the temptation is there.

So, there has to be more to being TG than just looking good, doesn’t there?

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion

ronnierho

About the Author ()

Ronnie Rho has been writing for Transgender Forum since May of 1999. One of these days, she'll get it right. She's been described as the "world's most famous recluse," but only by people who don't know her very well. She is unmarried, and lives in Cincinnati.

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