Amanda’s East Coast Anxiety

I drive for Lyft and recently I drove a couple to York Pa. from BWI airport. It was a good fare. I got so excited when I saw the Welcome to Pennsylvania sign, my home state. It reminded me that I am back. I’m back from that beautiful hell that is California.

I got out of the car after I dropped off my riders and walked in the cool night grass in my bare feet. I picked a flower and a rock to take home with me. I breathed the air and felt like I was so close to home. Only the Appalachian mountains separated me from my beloved Western Pennsylvania. 

I am back on the East Coast. But, as I figured, it was not a cure-all for my anxiety. I does feel good to be back, but I’m still battling my emotions and fear. I wonder what is still wrong with me. I am eliminating external factors and so far, I’m still having trouble. 

I have found a team here in Baltimore who can help me. Therapist, Psychiatrist and doctor at Chase Brexton. I did miss my appointment with my doc recently where I was going to get bloodwork done. I still wonder if my hormones levels, or taking hormones is problematic for me. Estrogen has been way too high the last two tests.

It didn’t happen overnight, these hormonal changes. It took probably 2 years to really “dig in.” I remember feeling like they really took hold after that. Of course, I never grew big boobs, or nice hips or butt. I just softened a bit more, shrank an inch or so and got softer skin. 

But, what I was not ready for were the psychological changes from estrogen. I was always a soft male. I had some man-tits, especially when I gained a bit of weight. But, I remember when it happened. My first sobbing cry from a movie. I had watched that movie before and saw my ex-wife shed a tear. But I stoically sat there and just watched back then.

But sometime in 2012, after a few months of estrogen and Spiro, I cried so hard. I thought about my wife. I felt that a gate had opened. I still feel that gate is wide open. The effects of estrogen on your brain are just as potentially powerful as on your body, maybe more so. 

I feel like every emotion I feel is magnified. But it seemed to pick the anxiety to really amp up. Before, yeah, I got a bit misty sometimes. Yeah, I felt beautiful moments. I rarely ever felt depressed. I cried at my Dad’s funeral in 1999. But…now, things feel different. All of my emotions are just below the surface and I have to drug myself just to keep them in check. The problem is, it dulls the good and the bad. 

I have moments of feeling good. Right now. I feel okay but a little sleepy from my meds. I need to go out and work tonight. I’ve got time to go all the way to Washington D.C. They party until 4am and beyond down there. Last week I just pulled an all nighter and then just came back to Baltimore in the morning to pick up people going to work or getting off the night shift. It was a Sunday morning. It was the first time I saw morning from first light till 8 a.m. in Baltimore. 

I work late and sleep late. I swear I am a vampire. The Daystar, it burrrrrnssss!!! I just don’t do mornings. I’ve never liked getting up early. But yet, it was nice to see that Baltimore morning last week. 

However, as I have been wondering for years now, did I really NEED estrogen? My levels were crazy high for a male already. I found that out when I went for my baseline bloodwork in 2011. It made sense why I was a soft male. But my testosterone was normal. Maybe that was the way I was supposed to be. Why did I go trying to fuck that up? That is the question I keep in my head. 

I have to get to the bottom of why I am so anxious. Maybe my body doesn’t like or need estrogen. Maybe I should have left well-enough alone. Estrogen mostly just seemed to mess with my head and amplify my already heightened emotions I had living as a male. 

I have to try to solve this puzzle. Yes, moving back home, or closer to it, helped. But it did not solve my problem. I think my problem is coming from within. I think estrogen is amplifying bad emotions and I am trying to compensate with mind-altering drugs. That’s my theory. It is true that women suffer more anxiety and depression statistically. It makes sense. Women FEEEEEEL more. So therefore, they are more prone. 

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I have to figure out this emotional problem that I have, and whether it is being exacerbated by estrogen. As the Magic 8 Ball says…signs point to yes. 

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Tags: featured, hormones, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul