A Struggle For Identity by Raina Rouse

There are few people in my life that I have come across who are not afraid to show their true colors.  Today, there are many individuals who hide parts of themselves away from the world do to fear of ridicule and rejection.  I, myself, have even fallen victim to these fearful habits in my lifetime.  However, growing up with my dad has opened my eyes and changed my life forever.

A man spent most of his life in search of his true identity; found that a part of him will always feel more at home in the world of jewelry, dresses, wigs, and makeup.  Today this man is one of my heroes.

As a young boy Jerry was invited to play dress up, with his older sister.  This early experience would later lead him to discover the comfort of women’s clothing and unlock a part of him that he never knew.

Jerry’s older sister, Diane, would playfully dress him up as a girl. At the time Jerry saw nothing wrong with playing dress up, but as an adult his feelings would quickly change.  Most days Jerry would come home to find an empty house; spending most afternoons digging through his mother’s and sister’s closets trying on clothes.  Eventually he would gather the courage to step outside and walk down the street disguised as a girl.

Feelings of uncertainty began to arise as the years passed.  Not only did Jerry feel different from other boys his age, but he was also not completely sure who he was or how these unusual feelings fit into his life.

After graduating from high school Jerry decided to enlist in the military to serve in the Air Force.  During his four years of service, Jerry began to feel that something was missing in his life.  He began to secretively splurge money on women’s clothes, and hiding them from potential viewers.  Eventually, feelings of guilt overcame Jerry pressuring him got rid of his small dress collection. Jerry could not help but feel his womanly desires were not right and tried to erase his overwhelming want to dress in women’s clothing.

“I felt scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen to me,” said Jerry.

Once his years of military service had come to an end, Jerry returned home and married his high school sweetheart and best friend, Marla White.  Marla and Jerry were later blessed with three daughters and settled in a quaint home in Puyallup, Washington.

As Jerry’s life with his growing family kept him busy, feelings of confusion and uncertainty of who he was continued to overwhelm him.  Jerry soon decided to research his uncertain and strange comfort for wearing women’s clothes.  His research led him to find that he was considered a Cross-dresser.

Despite his fears, Jerry slowly began to develop a new secret collection of women’s clothing. However, Jerry’s secret would soon unknowingly be revealed.

One evening Jerry was dressing up when Marla unexpectedly caught a sight of her loving husband in a dress.  Speechless, Marla later admitted that her head had become clouded with thoughts of confusion about what she was witnessing before her.

“I thought about packing up the girls and leaving,” admitted Marla.

“I thought I was going to lose the love of my life and my best friend,” confessed Jerry.

For many nights Jerry and Marla fought about Jerry’s surprising secret, trying to figure out possible solutions to their current situation; concluding that the best solution for now was to tell their three naïve daughters, Danae, Leah, and Raina, their father’s longtime secret.

“I was confused, I remember a couple of times thinking that mom was going to divorce him and I would never be able to see him again,” said Leah.

“I remember it was the summer before my third grade year of elementary, and we had all gone on a family picnic to the beach.  After eating, my dad opened up and slowly confessed his secret. I can still remember the look of hurt that lingered in my mom’s eyes,” said Raina.

Upon request from their dad, the three girls, were asked not to divulge his secret to anyone until he better understood what was going on and felt more comfortable about who he was.  It would still, however, be years before Jerry would finally confess his secret to family.

Over the next several years Jerry and his family had become use to the idea that he is a transgender.  As his comfort rose and his feelings of uncertainty diminished, Jerry decided to name his feminine personality “Kimberly.”

“When you feel confused, and something’s bothering you deep inside, when it’s answered you find peace,” said Jerry.

Although Jerry was comfortable with himself and Kimberly, many people in his life were not as accepting.  Through the years Jerry has lost a number of friends and has been continuously harassed by disapproving and hateful individuals.

“Everybody has to do their thing, they have to do what’s right for them, because it’s different for everyone,” said Marla.

Today Jerry is the proud father of three college graduates, a grandfather, and has been happily married, to his high school sweetheart, for 39 years. Kimberly still remains apart of Jerry’s life, but her Saturday club nights have slowly become a less regular event.

Jerry may live a life that is considered unacceptable in the eyes of many, but he is one of the most courageous people you could ever meet.  “If it were not for Kimberly being a part of who Jerry is, his daughters may not be the accepting and open-minded people they have grown to be,” said Raina.

“I am protective, but I admit that it is still a little weird seeing him as Kimberly, but I feel privileged because most kids don’t get to grow up with that,” said Leah.

“I feel more confident in myself, it’s easier to tell somebody and nice to know you have the confidence to go where you want and deal with the snide remarks from people.  You only have one life to live, it’s best to be yourself and feel confident in who you are, because you don’t have another chance to do it over,” said Jerry.

Hope this helps,
Raina Rouse

Category: Transgender Body & Soul