Validation: So Very Important

I belong to several Yahoo discussion groups. One of them is a discussion/ notice board group for a transgender support group centered in Ottawa, Canada called Gender Mosaic. I was a member of GM back in its very early days and while I no longer call Ottawa home the Yahoo group is a good way to keep in touch and to share our viewpoints.

Not long ago a couple of the girls posted some accounts that made the rest of us feel very good for them. It seems that members of their respective families were acknowledging their ‘feminine’ identities and letting them know their femme persona was welcome.

Here is part of one account:

“This year it was just my Mum and Dad and myself for Christmas at there house, we had a really lovely Christmas day and ate way too much food. On Boxing Day my Mum and I were in the kitchen doing dishes when she gave me a hug and said “there’s something that you need to tell me. We went and sat by the wood stove while my Dad slept in his chair upstairs and I told her every thing that had happened over the past couple of years, what I’m feeling and thinking and that I’m transsexual and have begun to transition. My Mum took my hand and said that she knew all ready and had been waiting for me to tell her. She said that all she wanted was for her children to be happy and that she had always wanted a daughter. We sat there and talked for an hour and a half.

“My greatest fear around transition has been of hurting my family, there aren’t many of us here in Canada and we count on each other a lot. This Christmas my Mum gave me the best gift there is Love an open heart and understanding, If I’m half the woman she is I’ll feel greatly blessed, she really is my hero.

“I still need to talk to my Dad, my Mum thinks that I should wait until spring to do that because of the winter stresses that he feels, she says that she will help him come to terms with the news though.

“I feel so incredible fortunate.”

Another member, somewhat older than the first, had this to say:

“Yesterday was the day that we followed through with gift certificates from Christmas. I gave my granddaughters manicures and a jewellery shopping trip. The girls were quite excited about the afternoon. Natalie, along with Lisa and Samirka, at All About You were set up and waiting for us. We spend an hour and a half there doing manicures. It was the first manicure for both of the girls. The ladies at the Spa were wonderful. They even did a couple of fancy designs for us.

“After that we went to the big Ardene store on Terminal Rd. The girls used up their entire amount after lots of considering and changing of minds. The whole afternoon was a lot of fun. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. It was just the three of us out doing girl things. I thoroughly enjoyed myself…These kids are really cool with Amanda.”

It occurred to me that these members had received a very important validation of their fem identity from some of the persons that matter most to them. I feel really happy for them. These personal accounts also got me thinking of the various forms of validation I have received as Linda. I wrote this to the GM list of my validation experiences: It has been very uplifting to read via Gender Mosaic of recent accounts of personal successes in struggles to find acceptance in the world around us. From parents to grandchildren to government bureaucracies it seems sister members are finding validation in many ways.

It got me thinking of some of my past successes like the first time I got served in a restaurant while en femme or the first time a guy in a bar ‘hit on me’. So what that the bar was Cleopatra’s and he was there looking for a TG; he chose me.

I think back to the time a woman I was dating happened to discover my cross-dressing. After an evening of anguish she said this to me: “Crossdressing was part of you before I met you. It is part of the person I fell in love with. I do not want to change that person.”

We had a number of good years together before she moved on.

My current (and final) partner took a similar view when I told her about ‘Linda’ but she never seemed too keen to see me en femme — until last week. Her position had been that she knew about my interest and she gave me space to travel to go out as Linda. But she didn’t want me dressing near home and she did not want to encounter signs of Linda in our bed. Also, she said she worried that we may be recognized if we were out together with me en femme.

That may be changing. A few weeks ago we drove down to Florida for a bit of a vacation on our own but partly to visit her parents at their winter home. As usual I took along a suitcase for ‘Linda’ with the expectation that I would be able to go out once or twice on my own dressed en femme. I did get out one night to the FI show at Parliament House, the famous gay resort in Orlando. However, for the most part Linda’s clothes and make-up stayed in the suitcase. That made me a bit ‘antsy’.

My partner must have sensed my discomfort as on the way home she suggested that we stop at one of those towns along I-95 where the shopping outlets are located. She said we weren’t in a hurry and that she felt like shopping for bargains the next day.

Okay, I said. At least if I couldn’t dress I could fantasize while she visited Izod, Liz Claiborne, Dress Barn and other of her favourite outlet shops.

The next day after breakfast came my big surprise and my latest validation. My partner asked if I would like to go shopping as Linda.

“Yes, I would. But what about you? Will you feel uneasy? What about your concern that we will meet someone we know?” I asked.

“We’ll keep an eye out and we can always be a little apart.” She replied. Funny that was what I had told her on previous occasions but for my protection she had never wanted to be with me in public.

I took a little time getting my look just right. I dressed in feminine slacks and a low cut blouse. I used a (medium-sized) hotel towel inside my panty hose to pad out my derriere and tape across my chest to create a cleavage. My make-up was ‘day conservative’.

We had a great day trying on dresses, skirts and blouses. At Dress Barn we tried on the same dress, hers a size 8, mine a 14 and had a good laugh looking at ourselves in the mirror. We ignored others in the stores which were not very busy anyway and we lost all inhibition about whether there might be someone else from our area nearby.

I bought two dresses discounted to a grand total of $37 and my partner bought a pair of shoes. Then we had a light lunch at the nearby Cracker Barrel. We made it back to the motel just in time for our late check out.

“Do you really want to change?” she asked.

“Not really.”

“Then let’s travel as two girls.” And that’s what we did. We got to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. By then my make-up was starting to wear thin so my partner did the motel check-in. In the room I changed to male-mode. We got a quick bite to eat at a nearby restaurant before turning in. I would love to say that she suggested I sleep in a nightgown but she didn’t and I didn’t push it. We did not even talk much about the day but our love making seemed better than usual that evening. I take that as a good sign for Linda’s further acceptance in the future.

As we drove the rest of the way home I remember thinking to myself that now I know how great the girls who have been reporting these breakthroughs in their relationships must be feeling. It truly validates one’s sense of self worth.

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