Anaissa0504

[Anaissa0504]

First, I must confess that I am rather ancient (60+). I do, however, have an important story to tell and a humorous approach to the pain that is uniquely mine.

You see, I have long known that I was a girl, despite being labeled a boy at birth. In fact I was repulsed by my young body. As you can imagine, I suffered terribly over the years. To make matters worse, I am the product of an oppressive Italian-Catholic upbringing. Guilt and shame are part of my birth right.

At the age of 6, I was presented to a Roman Catholic priest. My parents were convinced that my “sissiness” was the product of demon possession. Much to their chagrin, exorcism did not work. Soon after I was taken to a never-ending series of counselors and therapists whose primary mission was to “fix” me. I became fully entangled with the psychiatric system at 14 after attempting to cut off my little pre-pubescent penis on my own.

At the time I knew I wouldn’t succeed. I did hope that I would cause enough damage to force the issue. Nope. Sadly, two suicide attempts later, I still had this unwanted piece of flesh dangling between my legs. I tried so many different things to mitigate the psychological pain–running away from home, drugs, alcohol, crossdressing, transvestite prostitution, etc. Nothing worked or satisfied my gender crisis.

When I was homeless and at the end of my rope, I deadened myself. I intentionally denied my bisexual urges, and cursed my gender-fluidity. I suppose part of this strategy worked. In a 10 year span, I got my GED, my BS, and MPH, and a PhD from a leading medical institution. (I was drawn to public health because I lost so many dear friends with whom I worked the streets to AIDS.)

Alas, I did find out the hard way that birth control is not 100% effective. I had my precious son some 28 years ago. I adore him and I’m happy to say that he is very loving and open-minded. I know that I can trust him with my deepest darkest secret, but I am scared. I don’t know why.

But when he came along, I committed to my journey to pure vanilla (yuck!). Over the years, I’ve had my dalliances and affairs, but I have seldom found true happiness. I enjoy spending time with friends who are engaged in TG transitions and feminine illusions.

I believe that life is a journey and I also believe that mine is not over yet. I celebrate the advances that trans youth and the trans community have made, but I’m fearful that there are forces out there plotting to turn trans liberation into an aberration. I fear that kids coming up will be sentenced to a life in “prison” as I was. We cannot go backwards. We have to be vigilant and aggressive.

Mine is a cautionary tale, but it is also a story of emancipation. I hope to meet and chat with many of you. I’d love to share my stories encourage others to embrace their identity and sexuality.

I’m sorry for being long-winded. Thank you for reading my story and I really hope I can be a positive voice in TG Forum.

Luv,

Anaissa
she/her

[Author]

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