General Discussion of Transgender Issues

[Anonymous]

The short answer is be her friend first and foremost, for now. The 1st year or so on hormones and transition is a roller coaster ride of emotions. If your can support her thought all that I think you’ll both be better off in the long run. Just make sure you see/ are attracted to her, not the kink most will view her as.

Melissa

[DeeAnn]

Mystic:

There’s a fine line here and probably something that needs to be discussed between the 2 of you. I think once you cross the line from good friend to romantic partner it can be extremely hard to go back to being friends. Think carefully and move slowly…

[Artisticmystic]

As kink? You mean as some play toy to use at my discretion? Never that. I’m already protective of her and would never use her in that way. Emotional rollercoaster is what I kinda saw last night. We were playing the new Mortal Kombat and she was getting really frustrated to almost breaking into tears. I gave her a hug and told her “hey, it’s just a stupid game” before I turned it off and we watched a bunch of csi reruns.

[Artisticmystic]

DeeAnn I hear you. I really do.

But I can’t get that kiss, or her, out of my mind. Before anyone thinks it’s a lust thing, just know that I have been celibate for the past 3 years.

Like I said, I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but at the same time, the attraction will just continue to grow.

[Anonymous]

It’s unfortunate that many see us from a porn point of view. I remember sitting in Cherry Grove, NY watching a blow out fight between a preop TS and her boy friend because he didn’t want her to have bottom surgery. Without her penis he was no longer interested in her. I’m glad you don’t see her that way. She probably doesn’t even know where her transition will take her medically. I can tell you when I transitioned, my friends meant the most to me. I had two close gay male friends that ensured I got out. They would be my escort and gave me comfort and safety as I found myself. Things have changed in the last 30 years but emotions are pretty much standard. Her mind and emotions as you are starting to see are going to be “bumpy” for awhile. I cry watching movies, TV, when I’m happy, upset, lets face it, my emotions are a lot closer to the surface and it took time to get use to it. Then she has all the family and societal issues to deal with.

Basically let her “drive” this relationship for a while. After the first year on hormones and living full time, things will settle out for her and she’ll be ready to deal with a relationship.

[Artisticmystic]

I understand Melissa. I sent a text this morning to make sure she was ok from last night. Without thinking I texted “good morning gorgeous.” She responded with “ you’re making me blush” before telling me that I make her feel “protected,” whatever that means.

She has friends, about 4 or 5 that she hangs with every other weekend to go to the clubs with and they are very supportive. She says that I’m the only straight friend she has and I remind her all the time that we don’t need labels, and that I’m her FRIEND.

But that kiss, I think it may have changed the way I see her. Like before we were buds hanging out, but now I see her as a blossoming goddess. She has caught me staring at her legs or her lips as she talks, but I usually look away quickly when she notices it. I guess she isn’t the only one on an emotional rollercoaster huh?

[DeeAnn]

Mystic, Good Day:

Just thinking about the “Protected” comment and a couple of things come to mind, The obvious one is physical protection as in Knight In Shining Armor, but that may be too easy. Perhaps the thought was that she feels safe in your presence because she knows that you have her best interests at heart and that you won’t say or do anything off the wall. The result can be that she feels comfortable being herself with you. I think the fact that you knew each other very well beforehand brings major style points. If there will be a romantic relationship in the future, it will be based on a good and honest friendship.

My earlier comment about crossing a line has to do with this: it is very difficult to “unwind” relationships. Unless we work really hard, in every day that we live, we bring our baggage with us. It’s just how we tend to be as Hu-Mans (to use a sci-fi term!). So, if we progress to a romantic relationship and ultimately it doesn’t work out, we can be left with longing and disappointment. If we try to fall back to a friendship, it may be tainted with those feelings and might not ever get back to the friendship stage.

Anyway, I believe the fact that you are thinking of what may or may not happen in the future is a good thing. Ultimately, part of this will be conscious thought and part will be emotion. As long as you know which is which, I think you’ll be OK…

[Artisticmystic]

Hi DeeAnn.

This weekend was quite an event so to speak. I had no idea her hormones cost so much! I came over and noticed that she had barely any food in her kitchen. With bills and her hormones to pay for, she’s left with very little. I took her to the grocery store and loaded her up with about two weeks worth of food. She could hardly believe it. I reminded her that it’s something friends do, and it was no problem. Saturday night she came over and we had dinner. I made some curry chicken which I know is one of her favorites. She asked me is this two friends having dinner or is it a “date?”

I answered “date.”

Again, she turned that pretty pink when she blushed and looked away. While we ate we had a talk about what we wanted to do going forward, how I was romantically interested yet I didn’t want anything to spoil our friendship. She wanted to know how I felt about what people would say….again we live in the south and we would be an interracial couple.

I live for me, not everyone else. So people can talk about me until their eyes bleed. My happiness is MY happiness. I guess she was wondering if i were serious or just wanted to “experiment” and that she would pay me back for her groceries as soon as she is able. I told her not to worry about it.

She sent me a text this morning at about 2am asking if I were awake and if so, wanting me to come over. Ladies, it took everything in my soul to stay home. I wanted to go to her so bad…..I can feel myself wanting more from her everyday. Is that bad? Any advice from anyone?

[DeeAnn]

Mystic:

To me, the most significant thing is that you and your friend are TALKING! This is very important because it helps both to understand how things sit for the other. Assumptions can lead to all sorts of funky places. I think your restraint after the early morning phone call was admirable; not easy, but admirable.

There are many difficult things about transitioning, but one certainly is the financial part. If you don’t have medical coverage, or a plan that covers trans-related medications, it can be a very expensive proposition. That’s the reality of it and it is not unusual for someone’s transition plans to be derailed by lack of finances.

[Artisticmystic]

I was actually thinking on taking out a 401k loan to help her with her prescriptions.

And yes, the restraint was extremely hard (no pun intended). Do you think I should have went over there?

[DeeAnn]

It might be a bit premature to be thinking about doing the WildThang. I think both of you would have to come to the same conclusion about where the relationship is likely to go. That said, Heat of the Moment can be a powerful force.

I have no idea as to what your friend is thinking, but it would clearly be a better thing if she is not connecting romantic activities with “returning the favor”. I hope that was not her thinking, but you never know. However well-intentioned, that wouldn’t be good and may lead to some undesirable places. Further, it can be a good thing to allow her to pay you back (in $$) for the groceries as it would prevent her feeling beholden to you and help keep things in a more balanced condition.

[Artisticmystic]

I couldn’t possibly ask her to pay me back in money as she’s having a hard time financially. Wouldn’t you do that for a friend! It’s just food and toiletries.

I would hope she’s not thinking of just “returning the favor” as she’s better than that to “sell herself.” Plus she knows that I’m 3 years into celibacy. I know that sometimes she gets afraid at night and wants someone there just in case.

The temptation sometimes is too much for me sometimes, especially when I’m at work thinking about her.

[Anonymous]

I think DeeAnn has given you good advice Artisticmystic. Right now communication is key for both of you. Hormones are just the beginning of her transition related expenses. Facial hair removal is expensive and should really be done before or at least at the start of transition. I understand wanting to help her financially, but the majority of it she needs to find the way. I’m not saying you can’t help her with some groceries and stuff but she needs to work her way through transition, it’s part of the process. Help her, but she needs to work for it. It will help her grow into herself and give her self confidence to succeed.

[Artisticmystic]

MelissaD I understand, but at the same time wouldn’t you want to help someone you are fond of to achieve their dream? To be who they really are inside? She’s never had facial hair so that’s not an issue. She has A cup breasts from what I’ve noticed and her legs (that she always catches me looking at, oops) can make even J.Lo jealous. I know there will be challenges and such, and I’m aware that her family may not approve of us being together (she’s told me a few of her cousins and uncles are 100% racist), and she gets some horrible insults thrown at her whenever she’s out with her friends (from bigots. Most of her friends are also transgender) and on more than a few occasions she’s called me crying and I had to go get her. I guess the other hurdle for me to attempt to get past is the physical part. As I’ve told DeeAnn she’s has called and texted me late nights wanting me to come over (she lives two doors down from me) or wanting to come by my place and I know deep down inside that the probabilities are high that something will go down between us. The temptation would be too much to bear and I don’t want her to think it’s rejection on my part.

[Anonymous]

Artisticmystic, there is the physical transition and then there is a mental transition if you will where you adjust to your new place in society. The physical takes money and about 2 years for the HRT to do the majority of it’s magic. The mental shift or adjustment takes time also. There are million little things that one never realizes or expects in “crossing over.” Puberty takes time and just like a teenager, she’s has to physically and mentally adjust.

Their are social friends and then there are friends that have your back. If you two have the communication skills to work through all the relationship issues of a normal couple, plus the trans issues, then all too you. Just be sure you are ready for more that an 8 second ride (rodeo timed ride).

[Author]

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