Transgender Anxiety in Cali

Amanda and The Golden Gate.

I sit here at the pool of my apartment building that I have found solace at many times. It is a perfectly temperate low 80 degree day. No humidity as usual. A gentle breeze blows a few fibers of my hair gently across my face. The sun is quickly setting between the buildings. Gone, are the days of summer when the sun was still high at this time. No one breaks the flat calm of the pool water. I am the only one here. Today marks 4 years since I came to the San Francisco Bay Area. It has not been all fairies and rainbows. Oh, there are fairies, and there are rainbows, but they are mixed in with some tough living. 

I cried again today after I got up. Crying used to be such a foreign concept to me before transition. Maybe I got a little teary here and there. I cried when my Dad died and maybe shed a few tears as I signed the divorce document. But, post transition, I cry much easier. I cry when I am overwhelmed and anxious, sad or depressed. I feel that a lot lately. 

I feel my sedative working. I feel okay as I sit here and write this. But, I feel so much turmoil inside. As the sun begins to disappear over the building, I feel I have missed out on another daytime. I do stay up late, yes, till 3:30 a.m. or 4 a.m. because that is when I feel the best. I do work 2nd shift as well. (when I actually work) I usually sleep the 4 to 12 “shift.” 

It is hard to get out of bed unless I have to. Today, I woke up with anxiety, which I do to varying degrees every morning. I take a sedative right away to settle. But, that sedative also makes me sleepy and lethargic. Some days, like today, I get overwhelmed thinking that this will be what happens every day till I die. Sometimes, I think bad thoughts. I miss my Dad so much. Maybe he got off lucky dying at 53. He never had to endure The Great Recession, or his eldest son transitioning to a female and missing his son. He never had to worry about getting old. 

But, yet, they say life is a gift. I have to keep going. We don’t know if we just turn off like a light switch and that’s it, or we find eternal life. We don’t know. I like to think that my Dad is watching over me. I worry sometimes that he is searching for his son, but, I’m hoping that he knows I am still Me and I am here. I have a feeling that he knows. I feel his hands on my shoulders sometimes. 

The sun has gone down over the building now. I miss it already. It was making me feel better. But, I still have more to say, and I don’t want to go back to the apartment.

The decision when to pull the trigger to leave here is overwhelming. I know, and my therapist agrees, that it is causing me anxiety. The fact is, I am afraid. I am afraid of what I will find when I return East. I’m afraid of the near 3000 mile journey. I am afraid of what I will feel when I get there. I am afraid of having to find a new job or start back at my retail store again. I am afraid a new doctor will take away my sedatives that are working fairly well and keeping me functional. I’m afraid that I will be closer to Trump’s mayhem and trans discrimination. I am afraid I will still feel lonely. I am afraid I will still feel the same. 

But, I am hopeful that I will feel better. I will be closer to family. I will at least be in closer proximity to hundreds of friends I left behind. I will be in a central location in the Mid Atlantic. I will be 90 minutes from my brother. I will be a short flight or at least a lot closer to my Mom in SW Florida. I am sure there are plenty of flights from BWI to Ft. Myers fairly cheap. 

I will be in semi-familiar surroundings. I will be closer to my hometown of Pittsburgh. I will be with people who will help me, no matter which place I choose to land. But what then? How will I feel? I know I will miss friends here in California and new friends I’ve found in the last few months. I know I will miss the lack of humidity. I will miss the sun, although every day with sun can get a little boring, even to sun-lovers.

I can’t control the weather. It would be kind of cool to see a little snow again, but…just a little. It is a major decision. So many people think my anxiety is caused by The Decision, whether to somehow stay here, or go back home. I feel like I’m getting close. Things are starting to come to a head with my living situation. I may have no choice but to return home and start over. But, winter is coming too, which makes me more anxious. Traveling/moving in the winter would not be my 1st choice. I want to stop in Denver, but that means going over the Rockies in November or December. 

The sun has gone down. Another daytime is over. I didn’t get much sun on me. I’m back in the apartment as it was getting a little cool for shorts and a tee after sundown. It is 6:05 p.m. on Saturday. I’m trying to figure out what to do tonight. Pizza? Netflix? Movies, Olive Garden? 

Would I be doing the same thing if I were back home in the East? Would I feel calmer and not have to take sedatives daily on top of my antidepressant? Would a weight be lifted off of me or would it just be a new weight? Would my mental health improve? I may have to find out soon. 

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Tags: anxiety, featured, Transgender

Category: Transgender Body & Soul