The Thrill of the Closet

In a recent article posted on TGForum the writer chided the crossdressers of the world that “if you want acceptance for what you do, YOU have to bring the issue to the public’s attention, then YOU have to make it acceptable.” The writer, Graham Holmes certainly has the courage of his convictions as he is photographed wearing a nice blouse and skirt outfit but otherwise eschewing the outward trappings that most other crossdressers consider important — wig, makeup and breast padding for instance — in their desire to achieve the most feminine appearance possible.  Graham has not only opened the door of his ‘closet’ he has blown it right off its hinges.  He urges other crossdressers to do the same so as to apparently claim their rights and their rightful place in society.

I’m not going to dispute what Graham is saying. He is probably right and besides individuals I respect are very much involved in the Canadian political battle to gain legal rights for transgender persons, including crossdressers. If crossdressers are to be seen as normal healthy members of society then I guess we have to be out there being seen as such. Among these activists it is generally assumed that those who do not come out and participate in rallies are just afraid of the consequences. But are all CDs who do not help in the activism really just afraid of the consequences or are there other reasons for ‘staying low’?

My friend Donna certainly has a different take on why she does not want to ‘come out.’ It is what I’ll call the Thrill of the Closet.

First we have to get our terms straight. Being ‘in the closet’ does not mean you are a crossdresser/transvestite who never goes out in public.

The terms ‘in the closet’ and ‘out of the closet’ or simply ‘out’ are constructs of the LGBT community. To be in the closet is to be living as a lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person at times but for much of the time and especially around your family and your work colleagues you present as ‘straight.’ When you come out that is when you reveal to your family, colleagues, boss, etc that you are in fact lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender as the case may be.

Donna is one crossdresser who loves going out to clubs, going shopping, having the occasional date with a suitable admirer. However as far as Donna’s children, siblings, work colleagues, golf buddies and fellow soccer players are concerned they have never heard of Donna. She is definitely ‘in the closet’ and she prefers it that way. The friends only know David, the serious, balding middle aged man who likes to keep fit and who is occasionally going out of town to conferences and for old timers soccer tournaments, etc. But in reality David/Donna is using those travel opportunities to take along an extra suitcase and live whatever time she can find to be Donna. According to Donna, her wife is the only person who knows about this double life; knows about it and encourages it as apparently ‘a happy Donna means a happy David.’

“So have you ever thought of coming out and of revealing Donna to your family and friends?” I asked.

“Of course I’ve thought about it and when I was working you know I was petrified that a reveal would happen accidentally,” she replied. Donna worked in a field dealing directly with young people. She always felt that she, David, would not lose her job if it came out that she was a person who crossdressed. However, as she put it, “a lot of my success came from the rapport and respect I had with the students. If they could not respect me as the role model they thought I was my chance to do good things with them and for them would be lost.

She continued, “As you know we live in a pretty small town. I didn’t want my children to be pointed out as the ones with the ‘queer father.’  So I kept it all a secret.”

“Yes, I pretty well feel the same way.”

Then Donna hit me with a bombshell. “But you know as I look back on it my reasoning may all have been a big sham. Now that I’m retired I could reveal Donna to the world without any fear of consequences but I don’t do it and I don’t want to do it. Do you know why?”

“Not really, no.” I said.

“Both now and back then there is and was a thrill in having this big secret. I was doing something out of society’s norm and almost no one knew about it. I think all along it was a thrill do be doing this sort of illicit activity where I could imagine dire consequences if the truth were revealed. Don’t you think there is bits of an adrenaline rush when you do activities that cross the line? For instance you are driving down the highway and you are going a bit above the speed limit and suddenly you see the police radar trap ahead. Immediately you feel the adrenaline surge. Well I would get that same sort of feeling when I’m out shopping for instance and it looks as if someone coming my way might read me and make some comment. When the cop doesn’t pull me over or the passerby doesn’t make a comment it is such a relief when the anxiety passes.

“Take teenagers for example,” she continued. “We make a number of activities either illegal or discouraged because they are considered too young to engage in these activities. Smoking, drinking alcohol, having sex and even driving a car are considered taboo activities until they reach adulthood. So what do they like to do most?” Donna looked to me for an answer.

“Well I guess they like to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, have sex and get a drivers’ license.”

“Damn right they do and they do it because as teenagers there is a thrill in doing activities that are socially or legally forbidden to them. Don’t you think?”

I nodded my head in agreement, not exactly sure where this was going.

“Well that’s the way it was and is with my Donna activity. I was pretty sure there would be negative consequences if my Donna life were revealed but instead of stopping I actually ramped up the activity over the years.  I think what keeps me going is the thought that if Donna were revealed in David’s world there would be consequences I’d rather not face. I was thinking the other day that if I was outed or if I came out that would probably be the end of Donna.”

“What,” I asked, “wouldn’t you enjoy the freedom to be who you are around your home and with your family and friends?”

“I know I’m supposed to think that way and a lot of girls are putting a lot of energy trying to gain the right to feel that way and I respect that. But I guess I’m just different. In all the years I never felt I should have been born a woman. As a young person I started wearing lingerie for the sexual thrill. If crossdressing had continued as just a sexual thrill I would not have ever left the house. It became the thrill of the illicit activity and when I started dating men it became a thrill for the ego that I could arouse another person with my feminine appeal. Now I’ve reached that certain age I’m back to enjoying my Donna time simply as it is my time and my secret from the rest of David’s world.

“I wish the activists well and I hope they succeed in gaining equal rights,” Donna proclaimed, “but I hope they don’t misconstrue my lack of demonstrated support as a fear. I won’t be coming out of the closet as it is the closet that keeps Donna alive.”

“But why would that mean you giving up Donna if you were outed?” I asked.

“Think of the only person who knows me as Donna and as David,” she paused waiting for me to fill in an answer.

“Your wife?” I asked.

“Correct. You know how many times I dress when I’m with her. She has given me carte blanche to be Donna whenever I feel like it. Do you know how many times I’ve dressed in front of her in the last few years?”

“I’m guessing by your tone it’s not many?”

“Correct again. Once when we went to New York and went out together to a play and once when I was dressed and she came home early.”

“Why is that?”

I think there are several reasons. One is that even when I’m dressed my prettiest as Donna I have difficulty adjusting my voice and adopting feminine mannerisms when she is around. I also always want to be a bit protective of her. The other is the thrill thing or the lack of thrill thing. There is in thrill in doing something a little out of the ordinary and not universally acceptable if she is there to validate that it is very ordinary and acceptable. What if the whole world felt that way? Instead of not quite knowing what was going to come next where would be the thrill if everyone I encountered on the street was going to feel like ‘ho-hum, she has a right to be here.’

“The sexual thrill of dressing has since passed. The thrill of being attractive to others is going, going, almost gone so the only thrill I have left is in knowing that when I go in to the ladies dressing room at a department store or use the ladies’ washroom or walk past a bunch of playful teenagers someone might make an issue of my presence. Those are some of my adrenaline rushes. When they don’t make an issue that is a quiet thrill and a nice comedown from the adrenaline high.”

So there you have it. Donna finds keeping here secret alive is more important to her than coming out; so important that it is a matter of identity survival. What do you think?

Article revised 9/15/14, 10:04 a.m. ET. We inadvertently left off several paragraphs at the end.

Tags: closeted, crossdressing, featured, opinion

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion