The Stained Glass Dream, Chapter 1

And I Love Her

As I woke up from my tranquil sleep I saw her beside me in the bed. My emotions swelled as my thoughts centered on her. This woman that has come to be such a part of me that when she is not with me it’s like a something of me is missing. I used to tell her that I just could not force myself to believe that she could love me the way she does. Even now that we are together and our vows are behind us, I still can’t really believe that such a beautiful creature like her could love a girl like me.

Yes this is the story of a love that is not accepted by most, and even condemned by some. Yet, here we are; two girls in love. It is even more surprising to me because of the fact that I am also a transgender girl. I was born a boy, however that identity never felt right to me. Still she loves me for who I am. We are one flesh, in love and lovers at the same time.

I see her as she lays sleeping. The sheet tossed down to the small of her back, exposing shoulders that are supple and sculpted. The light breaks through the window leaving shadows of lace across her naked back that dance with the movement of the curtains. Still asleep she rolls over to face me. The long tangled curls of brunet hair falls loosely over one eye as it rest on her cheekbone. As she lays on her side she has one large breast laying on top of her upper arm, inviting and sensual. I am drawn to her by a force that is inside of me and cannot be controlled. I move myself down the bed in order to be equal with her. I kiss her lips softly; careful not to awaken her.

I look into her face and I am overwhelmed by how much I truly love her. I study the lines of her face as if I am carving an image that will someday become a memory. I hear her breathing, quiet and restful. I can no longer help myself as I move to her shoulders and begin to kiss her. Suddenly I catch this wonderful, yet seemingly odd mixture of sweat and perfume. The scent of her pheromones only drives my passion to a point of nearly bursting. I move to her neck as I continue my parade of kissing. She begins to stir as she becomes aware that I am on her.

“Baby girl, I love waking up this way”

Then she smiles and even giggles a little. With that we spent the next hour pleasing and sharing our love with each other. When we were too exhausted to love any more, I rolled over onto my back and she lays her head on my chest. I look into her eyes. Her breathing is peaceful and still as she rest in the comfort of my arms, I look into her eyes. Suddenly a flood of emotions assault me all at once. A look of motherly concern spreads across her face and she uses her fingers to brush the hair out of my eyes.

“Baby girl, what’s wrong?”

I choke back the mixed feelings I have, “I was just thinking that I have had sex with a lot of girls before, but you are the first woman I have ever made love too.”

I start to get up out of bed, she grabs my arm and pulls me back into her. We kiss briefly, and then she whispers, “Where you going?”

I smile, “Sorry but I have to go the bathroom”

She gives me a pouty look, So you mean you’re just going to leave me here like this?”

I laugh a little at her, “I would stay with you, but I don’t think you like what happens next.”

“Okay then I’m coming with you.”

Still holding hands we go into the bathroom. I sit down on the toilet and she sits on my lap across my legs and circles her arms around my neck. We kiss again, then I asked her, “Now how am I supposed to do my business with you sitting on my lap?”

She smiles a big grin, “If you have to go that bad, you’ll figure out something.”

She says that I am her world. She is my Kitten and the reason I breathe. She is my fantasy lover. It doesn’t matter to us what the others may say about our relationship. They could never understand something so different. I could not even begin to imagine my life without her now, and I love her.

But I guess I should really back up a little bit here. That was one of my favorite days. I love remembering that day and everything that we felt together. However, it is not the beginning of how we came to be. For that I have to go back many years ago to a day that was nothing but great sadness. That day I also remember all too well.

I remember now that my last wife was leaving me. All the years we had together were being torn apart and scattered like ashes in the wind. I sat by the window watching the rain as it fell across the pane of glass, mirroring the tears that flowed inside my very soul.

I watched as she looked around the room to make sure she was leaving nothing behind, including the love we once knew. I spoke to her fighting back the urge to make one last desperate plea for what we once knew.

“Lucy, you know if you ever want to come back to me, you don’t even have to ask; just come back.”

She drew a heavy breath and then looked at me with a face that said to me, we have had this discussion many times already.

“Dave. . . ”

Quickly I cut her off, “It’s Diane now, Dave doesn’t exist anymore.”

Again she began speaking with the thought were she had been interpreted, “You just don’t get it do you? I didn’t marry Diane, I married a man named David. I don’t know this person that you are turning into. Anyway, the truth is our marriage has been over ever since that day I caught you in my clothes. I mean have you really looked at yourself? You’re not even a pretty girl. And another thing if you don’t like men how are you ever going have another relationship? A lesbian is not going to want you because you’re not a girl and no straight women will have you because you dress like a woman. And stop trying to talk me out of this. You just need to accept the fact that I have a real man. So now, you can be this thing you want to be, and I can have the stars with my new love.”

With that I heard a car pull into the driveway and give a short blow on the horn. She picked up her suitcase and started to walk away with the future that we might have had. Then with one finial “Good luck in your new life.” She walk out the door, I knew then that I was truly alone, and the house had never been so empty.

I kept asking myself, why do I have to do this? Why can’t I be happy with the way I was born? What is it inside my brain that keeps telling me I’m a girl? I still don’t know all the answers to those questions, but that night I pushed those thoughts out of my head. I then got up, made myself a drink and turned on the TV for a little solace. I pushed back the flood of emotions that cried out inside of me, determined that this would not get the best of me and take over my life. After all she was right about one thing, I am now free to be Diane.

I finished my drink and decided to call it a night and go to bed. As I laid there in bed, trying not to think, I caught the familiar scent of her Perfume on her pillow. That was the trigger that shot off everything that I was holding back inside of me. I don’t remember what happened after that. I must have went insane. All I know is that I woke up the next morning feeling like I hadn’t slept all night.

Waking up alone now had a new meaning. When I was single I would wake up alone most mornings, but now this was strangely different. I actually felt alone. Knowing that if I was injured or even dead, no one would know. Maybe in a week or so my friends from work might call and check on me, but my closest friends had already rejected me and my new life. There was no one on this earth who would miss my presents anywhere. There is no more alone than that. I got up out of bed and stumbled through my morning routine. I poured my coffee into my travel mug and went outside to the car and made my way to work. When I got to work my boss called me into his office and asked me to close the door. I didn’t bother to set down because I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to like whatever was on his mind. He took a ragged breath and then spoke to me, “Listen David….I mean Diane, there has been some of the office girls that have raised some concerns about you using the women’s bathroom. I need to ask you to go back to using the men’s room.”

I looked at him feeling the rage and the lack of sleep from the night before. “Some of the office girls? You know that’s funny because I already talked to most of them about this issue and every one of them has been supportive of me. Unless of course you are referring to, ‘Holy Mary’?”

“Listen don’t call her that, and the number of people isn’t important. We are just trying to do what’s best for everyone concerned.”

Now I was really mad.

“Do you know that there are 1.4 million people in the United States that identify as transgender? The number of those identifying as female are a ratio of 2 to 1 to those identifying as male. And you can bet that every one of those girls have had to pee in public at some point in their life. And with all those girls using the women’s bathroom there has never been a conviction of a true transgender for stalking or molestation in a public bathroom. And don’t tell me about some ‘man’ putting on a wig and going into the women’s restroom. I wish it was that easy, and I don’t know of a single woman who be fooled by that anyway. Seriously you are treating women like they aren’t capable of thinking for themselves.”

I could see him tense up as he stumbled to respond, “I don’t doubt that is true.”

Again I continued, “Now let’s look at it from my point of view: The number of murders of transgender people in the U.S. has increased every year since 2010. Not one of those of those murders is known to have been committed by a women. So by forcing me to use the men’s room you are literally putting my life in jeopardy so that one women doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable.”

My boss exhaled and shook his head, “Alright, the other idea that was discussed was taking one of the girls with you to act as a witness and to warn others that you are in there.”

Begrudgingly, I agreed to that and turned and walked to my desk. As I sat down at the desk, Karen a work friend of mine walked by and saw the blank stare I had focused on the desktop. She put her hand on my shoulder and spoke to me,

“I saw you go into the boss’s office. Neither of you looked to happy. So what happened?”

I looked up and smiled at her as an idea came to me.

“You know what? I’m glad you stopped by, I have a favor to ask of you. It seems that there is a certain person that works hear that is afraid I will turn into a mad rapist if go into the women’s restroom alone.”

Karen laughed and rolled her eyes, and sat on the corner of my desk.

A certain person? Did they tell you who this person was? I mean like I can’t make a guess.”

For the first time in a week my spirit felt a little less heavy.

“No they didn’t say who it was but I have my suspicions. Anyway, I need a chaperone in order to go pee, I was wondering if you would be me bathroom buddy?”

Karen broke out in a genuine laugh, “You have got to be kidding me? They want you to be accompanied by someone to use the bathroom?”

“Yes it seems that way.”

Karen put her hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye in this overdramatic way she has, “Diane, I would love to be your bathroom buddy, after all we girls have to stick together against all the Holier-than-thou people in the world. So call me anytime you feel the urge”

We shared a brief laugh and a smile before she went back to her work station.

The rest of the day was a roller coaster of emotions. At times I felt I was getting better, but then I would remember something about Lucy and everything would come crashing down again. Sometimes I would walk to the water cooler as if I was trying to get away from myself, but of course my thoughts would always follow me. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the work day came to an end. Now it was time to face that cavernous house alone. It was no longer a home, just a place to go to until it was time for work the next morning.

It’s funny how a room can feel totally different at times. For example at Christmas, with all the decorations, the tree and maybe a few candles. A room will often feel cheerful and warm. A place that invites you in and makes you contented. However, this was not what I was feeling this night. I felt the presence of Lucy in every room in the house. There was the kitchen that we had shared countless meals together. The living room where we had laid on the floor and made love. Even the bathroom had memories of the beginnings every ordinary day. There was not a single room in the house to where I could find any solitude. It was clear to me that I could no longer stay in this house. This house was filled only with only the sadness of a love that had been reduced to emptiness. It was time to move on, both in my life and my residence. However, for now this night would only be a repeat of last night’s events. A frozen dinner, a drink, a little TV and then eventually to bed where I would spend another restless night by myself.

The next day I went to work looking like I had just spent the past two nights in an alcoholic stupor. I had only been at my desk for about an hour when Karen passed by my desk on the way to the copy machine. She stopped dead in her tracks and looked at me. She came over and once again sat on the corner of my desk. She sat there and looked me over for a couple minutes, as if making some kind of determination about my current state of mind. Then she spoke to me.

“Diane, are you doing anything tomorrow? I know it’s Saturday and a girl like you probably has a full social calendar, but I was wondering if you would like to spend the day with me?”

I was a little shocked by this question. After all it has been years since any woman has acutely wanted to spend any time with me.

“Karen, are you asking me out?”

She rolled her eyes and chuckled a little.

“Sorta, more like a girls’ day out at the mall. I know you are still new to this whole being a woman thing, but if you’re going to do this, then you need some help. Girlfriend this outfit ain’t working. I mean look at you, bold pinstripe pants and a polka dot top? And those shoes; unless you are eighty, ugly open toe sandals are never in style. I’m going to take you shopping and then get you into a makeup session. Oh and make sure you bring your purse because being a girl is never cheap.”

I had to laugh at her complete candor.

“Okay Karen, it’s a date then. A girl’s day out.”

The next day I picked up Karen at her house and it was off for breakfast and then the mall. As we sat at the table in the restaurant, she asked me how I was doing. I asked her if she wanted the truth or the speech I had been practicing. She assured me she was interested in what was happening with me. She said she was worried that I might need a friend. Talking openly with Karen was the first time I had ever put words to what I was feeling. Once I started, everything just came out like a tsunami of emotions.

I told Karen about the emptiness I was feeling. That even though I was now free to be who I wanted to be, I was wondering if the price of being authentic was too high. We must have talked for an hour. Finally I told her my decision to find another place to live. That the house was driving me insane. Then she told me that was the first rational thought that I have had in an hour. The one thing about Karen that I sincerely appreciate is, I never had to wonder what she was thinking. Then I thought to myself, “You know, if she didn’t already have a husband and a one year old baby; well it doesn’t matter anyway.” So now it was off to the mall.

The first store we went to was a ladies big and tall boutique. A sales lady approached us and asked if she could be of any assistance. Karen wasted no time on getting started, “Yes, my girlfriend here has reached the conclusion that she is in need of a fashion update. We want a couple of complete outfits including underclothes and new shoes. I was thinking maybe something like a kitten heel. Something that looks stylish but not too hard to walk in.”

The sales lady looked me over as if making some sort of assessment,

“Yes I think I can help with that. After all every girl needs a little help and encouragement sometimes. Let’s start with a couple of new bras. Do you mind if I follow you into the dressing room for some quick measurements?”

I laughed a little as this was the first time they had actually asked me what I wanted. I said that would be fine and we headed to the changing room. She asked me to take off my shirt so that she could get an accurate measurement. She looked me over as I unbuttoned my shirt and said,

“Sports bra, good practical choice; but don’t you think you want something with a little more pizzazz?”

Sheepishly, I admitted that I did but didn’t know where to begin. She then measured across my bust and then under.

“Okay you’re a 38 A. That’s going to be a little challenging but I think I can get the job done. I have a few styles in a 36 A, and if we use a band extender it will do fine. Also if you don’t mind, I would like to recommend some breast pads to kind of round things out a little.”

She then told me to wait there and she would be right back. She came back a few minutes later, and I have to admit I was completely floored. She had with her 2 very lacy bras with equally lacy matching panties. She showed me how to use the band extender and helped me to put on my new bra with the breast pad inserts. Then she informed me that I could do the bottom half myself. Next she told me to get dressed so we could pick out my new clothes. I saw myself in the mirror with my new underwear, and for the first time I really started to believe this could actually work. I put on my old pants and shirt and walked out of the dressing room barefoot.

Karen smiled at me and practically leaped over to me and grabbed my hand. Then she tugged at my arm to lead me away to something she had found while I was in the dressing room.

“Come here, there is this pinstripe ‘A’ line skirt I want to show you. It comes to just above the knee, and I know how fond you are pinstripes. This time though you let me pick out the blouse.”

I have to admit that I really enjoyed all this attention between Karen and the sales lady. We picked out two more complete outfits. We found a full dress that I liked and a pair of nice slacks and Karen picked out a top that went well with the pants. Karen was taking no chances with my since of style. Now it was time to find a Karen approved pair of shoes. As we walked into the shoe area the sales lady was the first to speak.

“So tell me, what is your shoe size?”

I felt a little embarrassed at this question because I knew I had big feet for a woman.

“Do you have anything in gigantic? I don’t know in ladies but I wear a size eleven in men’s.”

She just smiled in a very kind way.

“Okay, that means that you’re probably going to be a size thirteen in ladies. You’re actually very lucky, thirteen is our cut off size for shoes. Now mind you we don’t have a lot of selection in that size but we can get you fixed up with something cute.”

I sat down on the little bench still in minor shock that I was really doing this. Karen and the sales lady conspired at the shoe wall. They took turns picking up shoes and putting them down again. Then the sales lady went in back and come out with a couple different styles. One style was a pair of low black heels, which I learned latter was called a kitten heal. The other pair were white wedge sandals that tied around the ankle. I tried on the black heels first. They felt pretty good but I asked if she had them in a twelve and half. She said that she did and left and came back again. That did it. I now felt like a lady. So it was onto the wedge sandals. This is where I got into trouble and made everyone snicker. I stood up and was not expecting the shift in weight distribution. I began to tower forward a little and had to take a step to catch myself. Karen assured me I would get the hang of them and insisted that I get the sandals.

Now it was my turn. I didn’t get to make too many choices that day except on how to pay for it all. Karen stayed back from the register so as not to be too intrusive. At the register the sales lady asked if she could speak openly to me. I assured her that she could. Then she said to me privately.

“I have a cousin that is transgender so I know a little about it. That was the reason I approached you so quickly. I wanted to make sure that someone understanding was helping you.”

“Thank you I appreciate everything you did today. You were very helpful.”

Then she continued with the thought were she left off, “This is what I wanted to suggest to you, it’s a little personal, but my cousin does something called tucking. It will help to give you a flatter front and a more feminine form. I don’t know all the details, but I know you can find out how to do it on YouTube. Trust me it makes a difference. I’ve’ even seen her in a bikini and you couldn’t tell that she had something extra.”

I paid for everything and thanked her for her imput. Then I assured her I would look into the tucking issue later that night. Not going to lie, the cost of my new life was starting to add up and we still had the wig and makeup to go. So I joined Karen and it was off to find a nice wig. We went with something more along shoulder length and very stylish. I walked out of the shop wearing my new hair and feeling very confident. Now for the makeup.

We walked into a department store makeup counter and asked for a full makeup consultation. At first the three sales people looked at each other. Then a younger girl of about twenty stepped forward and said she would be happy to help. I sat in a tall chair in front of a mirror. And she asked me if I had any questions that she could answer first. I told her that I didn’t even know enough about makeup to have any questions. She just smiled and assured me that was okay and said she was going to pick out a few products and then she would be right back.

She came back with several different items and laid them out in front of the mirror. Then she looked at me for a minute as if making a decision about something. Then she started her lesson.

“Okay the first thing we are going to start with is face primer. It prepares the face for everything else to come. Then we want an orange concealer. Orange will hide any afternoon dark spots you might get.”

Then she played around with a couple of different foundations until she was happy with the one she selected. She continued, “A little blush and some setting spray. This will make a good work day look. Now onto the eyes. I think we are going to do some warm earth tones. The eyeliner is the thing you will have to practice, and don’t get discouraged if you don’t get it right away. Stay with it and it will become easier. I think you would do well with some false eyelashes too. And you might want to visit a salon and get your eyebrows done. They’re in need of a little cleaning up.”

I sat there in the chair for a couple of minutes in my wig and new makeup look. When I saw myself in the mirror I had one brief thought, I looked like a girl! Even more surprising, I was cute. This thought was confirmed when I heard Karen exclaim behind me.

“Damn, Diane! Maybe I’m the one who needs the day at the mall.”

The makeup girl packed everything up for me in this fancy little bag and once again it was up to me to pay for it. I didn’t care that I spent way too much money that day. For the first time in my life I saw me in the mirror, not someone that I was pretending to be. I couldn’t wait to go to work on Monday as the real Diane.

To be continued.

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Tags: featured, Transgender, Transition

Category: Fiction