The Family Jewels

| Oct 24, 2011
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One of my favorite things about the autumn and winter season is we get to put more things on our bodies! No more must pieces of our flesh hang out of our clothing. ‘Tis the season to wear those high necks, long sleeves and trench coats that make you look like a super sexy secret agent.

Step One: Sparkle & Shine

With the clothes come the eye catching accents. (Oh, shiny!) You can drown yourself in jewels no matter your budget, because the jewels don’t have to be real. Some of our most rich and famous never wore the real thing.

Being The Artist D you never do get the normal from me, so when it comes to jewels I’ll never tell you to stop. That’s right gentle readers, there is never too much jewelry you can wear. Cover yourself in diamonds or mummify yourself in gold and silver for all I care. It could be said that a little goes a long way and just like anything a little highlight here or there is all that is needed. However, going over the top makes an equally dazzling impression.

The Artist D Obsessed with Fabulous Neck Collars

When I was just a little diva growing up in the backwoods of Pennsylvania, I had a very minimalist mother. Oddly enough as I got older I taught her more about makeup and fashion than she could have taught me. She used to cluck her tongue towards women who wore too much jewelry. Anyone wearing a lot of jewelry or large shiny spectacles would be labeled a “gaudy woman.” Back then it was a class thing. It was socially unacceptable. If you could not afford a life like the Queen of England then you shouldn’t dress like her.

Interesting how things have changed. The way I see it now, there is no difference with a poor person wearing fancy looking things than a rich person. I wouldn’t think anything of it if I saw someone in the ghetto with a Gucci purse. The only difference that may exist is the poor person’s purse may be a knock off. But it’s still a purse that probably looks like something Lady Gaga would wear on her head! My mother would say gaudy, I would say fabulous!

Vivienne Westwood

Wear interesting things. Always be an interesting person. Always be you! If you want suggestions on finding the buried treasure of the fashion jewelry world, I have two words:  Vivienne Westwood. All of Vivienne’s designs from clothing to jewelry are uniquely amazing. Her skull ring is my favorite. Currently she’s doing this space ship jewelry thing and since we all know I’m an alien, you can imagine how I feel about that.

Thomas Sabo has a brilliant collection of watches, rings and more. Have you noticed watches keep getting bigger even though they are the last thing we need? Who needs a watch when they have a cell phone? Who needs to be reminded by time when time doesn’t matter? Men’s watches are especially huge! Mom would cluck, “Gaudy!”

This guy has no problem being covered in diamonds, why should you? (Famous Skull by Damien Hirst)

My message to you this month is please don’t restrain yourself when it comes to accessorizing with jewelry. There is rarely a piece of jewelry that “looks bad on you.” Perhaps your mother would call it gaudy or even say you look like a hooker (or the Queen of England), but don’t pay any attention to that. You’re fabulous! These are accessories and perhaps the best things to take a chance with wearing.

A quick note on gold and silver, as that is really the only valid concern when it comes to your crown jewels. Don’t worry if the Swarovski frog is pink, green or blue . . .  but what kind of metal your favorite piece of sparkly is displayed on can be a valid worry. There are gold people and there are silver people. I am not a gold person. Put me in gold and I feel like I’m in that James Bond flick with the gold spray painted women. It’s all in how you want to look, but if you want a rule you only have to look skin deep. Darker, warmer and tanner skin tones go fiercely with gold. Meanwhile pale and tragic artists like myself are flawless drenched in silver. Can you wear silver if you’re as dark as night? Of course you can! Jewelry is a statement. It goes with everything. Contrast can be our friend at times like these.

Frog Ring by Thomas Sabo

Looking for second hand fashions like Westwood or Sabo I find a lot of people’s rings have missing stones or broken bands. I don’t know about you but if I bought a $500 ring I’d be mortified if one of the many stones just fell out. In fact those $500 rings are sized small, medium and large. They don’t even make them in ring sizes! Which brings us to the need for knock offs. You can have a fabulously weird skull ring encrusted with shiny stones for $30 on eBay or you can get “the real thing” from Vivienne Westwood. Which is better? I can rarely tell. Neither can you! I always used to wonder about those rich women who always wore their fakes in public. Isn’t jewelry what we wear in public? You certainly don’t see me walking around the house in my robe with chandelier earrings and robotic looking Egyptian neck collar. The reason we buy the fancy stuff is to wear it in front of people. If it costs too much to wear in front of people then why are you buying it!? If you buy a pile of diamonds so you can lay around naked in them, you just may be a special kind of dummy.

Gitte Nielsen dripping in Gold & Silver (Yes, you CAN do both!)

You get what you pay for, but what do you want? We change our minds and style so frequently that the knock off bag, frock or ring may fall apart, but we may be tired of it by then anyway. I don’t have one piece of foofie foofie  jewelry I’ve wanted to last because I’m a chameleon with change. My wedding ring is the only jewelry I care to keep forever and it’s made out of indestructible metal. The special rings or wedding rings are rarely the skull rings. Even though that would be fabulous if it was, and in that case you would want to make sure you have the highest quality. But if it’s just a random piece you wear with your Christmas costume (i.e. that glittery green and red frock you can only pull out of the closet once a year), then just get some costume jewelry. Nobody will know the difference nor should they care.

Now go forth boldly and don’t hold back with your choices. Some may think I dress others, and myself, up like a piñata. Lord knows my poor mother would probably snap about being a gaudy queen bee. But why not be just that? It’s bringing the inside to the outside. Most of us have personalities akin to brilliant explosions so why not show your true colors? We should all be shiny creatures of sunlight, covered in sparkles. If there’s anything that is accessory to our look it is our accessories. You can be afraid of changing your hair color or worry about wearing that dominatrix outfit, but for god’s sake you should never be afraid to embellish yourself with jewels. Whatever kind of jewels you desire! Shine on, baby. Tell them The Artist D told you so . . .

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Category: Style, Transgender Opinion

The Artist D

About the Author ()

The Artist D is a true raconteur and provocateur! He has been performing online since the mid 1990s. A relic from the cam show age before MySpace was any space. Author of In Bed with Myself, an autobiographical tale of transgenderism and Internet celebrity. Executive Editor of Fourculture Magazine and host of the Kawfeehaus podcast.

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  1. dina dina says:

    I always favor gaudy accessories – a dozen bangle bracelets, big earrings, the occasional rhinestone pieces, and I sometimes combined gold and silver, so it was good to hear you say it’s OK to do both at once.
    Thanks much.