Not Intended to be a Factual Statement

I thought I’d just say a few things.

I am happy with everything in my life. Couldn’t be better. All is well with me, my family, and with all my friends. I have lots and lots of friends. And they all love me unconditionally. Just for being me. In fact, they are lucky that I hang around with them. They should pay me. After all, friends mean nothing to me.

I don’t drink too much. I am always in control. Always.

I think that the Tea Party aren’t racists. I also think that the GOP has the country’s best interests at heart and aren’t in the pocket of big business. In fact, I think a vote for Santorum is a vote for the future of all of us, as he is a great and tolerant man. I also believe that George Bush didn’t hijack two elections, especially the one in the state where his brother the governor was presiding.

I never offend anyone. I am quiet and unassuming. I am a Lady, and I always keep my stockings straight.

I know my place.

I attended Harvard. I graduated Summa Cum laude with a degree in International Finance and Basket weaving. I used that to get a job on Wall Street. I am one of the 1%. I use my money to buy firetrap apartment buildings in cities across America to provide housing for the poor for which the Government pays me.

I own three cars. A Porsche 911, a Delorean (with that special add on, Marty), and an Aston Martin DB5. I used to own a Batmobile, but I lent it out to Droopy Dog and he demolished it on a late night drinking and coke binge with Elmo.

My Masters is in Paranormal Activities. In my spare time I hunt ghosts. I have been bitten by vampires three times. I sparkle. I have a pet albino werewolf I’ve named Fluffy. Dr. Venkman and I occasionally swap stories over Orange Whips at the corner pub.

I have a PhD. The concentration is classified far above your level, so if I told you what it was I’d have to kill you. I can do that because I was in Special Forces and have a license to kill.

While thinking of that, Timothy Dalton was the best James Bond. The depth of his portrayal is sublime. I never dreamed of being a Bond girl either, or a Hooters girl for that matter.

I hate ’80s music. It really sucked. No originality there. I prefer today’s music where each artist is instantly identifiable and has a distinct style. I also love music so loud that you can hear it from Saturn. Bob Dylan is a hack, and I’d rather gargle maggots than listen to the Grateful Dead. Sammy Hagar is a better front man than David Lee Roth.

I am into TG for the sex. And I never wear a condom because they don’t make them big enough to fit me.
I am very confident of my appearance, especially as Sophie. I never worry if I’m wearing the right thing. I hate showing off my legs, as they are my worst feature. I’m always the belle of the ball, bitch. And my boobs? Real, AND spectacular.

Oh, and I do my own makeup all the time. I just say Amanda Richards does it to send business her way. She needs the practice too.

I wear my jeans so they hang down around my knees. My skirts too. Hat sideways. Clown nose sometimes, when I’m in the mood and it matches my ballet boots.

My current nom de plume is J.K. Rowling.

I didn’t get the idea for this column from Alanis Morrisette.

So, you’ve just read nearly 600 words of pure BS. Lies. I just wasted your time with total fabrications, and that was only a minute or two. How does that make you feel? Do you like when someone lies to you?

I lied to myself about my feminine side for over twenty years, but I’ve come to terms with that. I have been lying to my wife about being Sophie for three years. It’s gotten easy. Far Too Easy. How do you think she’ll feel when she finds out my times at Laptop I haven’t been “out with the guys?” That my times at Keystone and other conferences were not work conferences, and that instead of trying to get a better job, I was going to lectures about makeup while wearing a skirt? That I’ve spent thousands making myself into my vision of what I want to be as a woman instead of saving toward a house?

Think she’ll be angry?

Wouldn’t you be?

Tags: closeted, featured, opinion

Category: Transgender Body & Soul, Transgender Opinion