Message From Walnut Creek, Ca.

| Feb 19, 2018
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I’m trying to have a positive outlook on things. I’ve got some good things going on. But, as always, I have vague health issues centering around my anxiety and the drugs that I am trying to get off of. I just feel so unsettled. But, let’s start with the good shall we?

I am now living in Walnut Creek, California. I am only 2 miles from work. I am saving tank-fulls of gas. I am living with my friend and have set up shop in her living room, which has been a challenge, but for now, is saving me a lot of money. I am desperately trying to get back on my feet after an ugly “breakup” with my former landlady, better known as . . . The Landlady, for those that follow along on The Book of Face and my blog here.

I am trying like hell to right the ship after the Landlady essentially stole $1000 from me. Wait . . . I thought this was the good news? Sorry . . .  I am still really raw about The Landlady and her Final Fuckover. Each and every paycheck that I earn now, inches me ever closer to solvency and better times, at least I hope so. Deep down, I am optimistic, even though I am tentative about how I will get to where I want to be.

Do I want my own place? Maybe. It is nice to have someone to do things with and talk to. I get to hang out with 2 large, lovable white kitties named Birdy and Paddy. They are warming up to me pretty good. My cat, Kona, is warming up to them and has begun to play with them. The quarters are close. It’s very cozy. It’s probably a little too cozy for my liking with me basically having zero privacy. My friend is very accommodating, but I kind of need my own space sometimes. I am still not sure about her ability to afford this place, even with my help. It has me very uneasy.

I will be getting another minuscule retail raise in April, amounting to maybe $30 more per month. Target, however, is promising to raise wages to $15 by 2020. There may be some incremental, non-merit raises along the way in the next 22 months leading up to that. Also, my loan from my 401k will be paid off in June, possibly earlier if I can. That will free up nearly $200 more per month. With me basically not having to worry about rent except a slowly increasing “helper” payment to my friend, my move back to MediCal (CA Medicaid) saving $115 per month, plus the loan being paid off, I am looking to be in much better shape financially by May or June.  This is good. I am hopeful.

I really hope things go the way I plan.

The bad news is that I am still battling some annoying health issues. I am in the middle of a Cymbalta withdrawal. Cymbalta is an SSNI anti-depressant that also is rated for anxiety. It does sort of help with panic issues, but over the last two years, has made me have steady, daily anxiety. This has made the last two years very rough. The day before yesterday, I felt great. Yesterday, I crashed. I had a panic attack at night, my old nemesis. I probably caused it by late-night eating.

These panic attacks were the reason why I went back onto anti-depressants after a 6-month hiatus in summer 2015. I really feel like I am dying or having a heart attack during them. They are scary. I am trying to persevere and remain strong during this slow taper off of Cymbalta. It is notorious for being a really hard drug to get off of. Of course, I did not know this when I was prescribed it in January of 2016 after Celexa, my old drug that I weaned off of the previous summer, wasn’t cutting it. Cymbalta is insidious. It takes over your mind. I have had a tough time coming off of the last 20 mg. I have to open the capsules and measure out a tapered amount. My mind feels like it is trying to come back to life from the zombie-like middle ground of neither happy nor sad, neither anxious nor calm.

I am having a helluva time at work trying to find the desire to work while feeling shitty. I am being talked to a lot about being late. They don’t understand. I want to cry before work. It’s already an effort to go there and work, and with the withdrawal, it is doubly hard. I find myself crying in the bathroom a lot. I have cried so many times at work in the bathroom in the last two years. I’ve cried rivers.

This is my challenge. Inside . . . I feel the burning desire to get better. I feel my courage just busting to get out. I feel my adventurous spirit begging me to get out and do things. I try to answer the call. Just thinking about it right now is making me upset. I must remain calm and get through this tribulation.

I can’t help but still feel unsettled, even though I am feeling more optimistic. I think this stems from missing home. I saw that it snowed today in Phoenixville, a Philly suburb where my good friend and fellow TGF blogger Sophie Lynne lives. I have her city in my weather app along with my hometown of Pittsburgh. As I watched the graphic of gently falling snow on my phone indicating it was snowing in Phoenixville, a peaceful, but melancholy feeling arose in me. I was reminded of how a gentle snowfall seems to blanket the fray in a peaceful quiet.

I must retire to the boudoir now. It has been a rough one. My spirit remains hopeful, but my mind remains unsettled. I hope to have some relief and some answers soon. I hope tomorrow is better.

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Category: Transgender Body & Soul

amandaf111

About the Author ()

I am a transwoman originally from Pittsburgh, PA. I have been living full time for 5 years. I work in retail but am an artist/Graphic Designer and aspiring writer. I tend to address the controversial in my writing. I would love to change the world one article at a time. I moved to The San Francisco Bay Area to start over, again. But recently moved back to the East Coast. The adventure continues...

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