Living With It

If you have read my blog, or my previous TGForum posts, you know at least something about the history of my fiery relationship with my husband, Bill, who is a long-time crossdresser. You will have learned that I knew early on of his fixation on wearing feminine clothing and his appetite for sexual encounters with other CDs and TGs. I entered this marriage thinking this fetish was highly unusual but passed it off as harmless adult play.

What I didn’t realize then was that his obsessions weren’t just fun “fantasies” but rather serious business to him and the foundation of a much darker and more dangerous addiction. (In last month’s post, I explored why these men want to get married in the first place, so there is no need to repeat that question here.)

Nine years have passed since he opened up to me and revealed his unorthodox interests, which I initially embraced, encouraged, and willingly participated in. I faced many dilemmas as I eventually uncovered his covert activities that revealed highly risky behavior, putting both of us in danger of STDs and other threats. Few of us want to admit we made a mistake, especially when it comes to marriage or other life-changing decisions. Nobody wants to deal with the hassle of relocating, much less the embarrassment and pain of ending a relationship, especially when children are involved.

However, when Bill’s pursuits with other men became too obvious to explain away or avoid and being subjected to his relentless lies and gaslighting, I asked myself, “What in the hell are you doing with your life, and what do you do now?” After finding his profile on Fetlife a short year after we married, I got the courage to look for an apartment and a divorce attorney. While writing a check for the deposit, he texted me to tell me he didn’t want to lose me, and honestly, back then, I didn’t want to lose him either. I continued to fall for his promises to stop. Although I knew I had rushed into this marriage on the heels of a divorce, I couldn’t bear the humiliation of the admission to my family and friends, who had cautioned me to wait.

As time went on, the affection and the love I had for him began to wane. How could it not after everything I had discovered about his secret endeavors that he staunchly denied doing? After our disastrous trip to Palm Springs in March 2018 to celebrate our 3^rd anniversary, my feelings for him all but disappeared, and I realized that I missed the perfect opportunity to get out when I should have after the Fetlife debacle. Of course, I could still leave, but life was more complicated now, and I had a teenage son to think about.

It’s true that my son is and always has been my priority, but he is 17 now and he has seen enough of Bill’s hard-boiled heart that he would understand if I left. No, I can no longer use my son’s interests as an excuse. The reasons I stay are as selfish as Bill’s were for marrying me in the first place. Two of his close family members told me they felt Bill wanted to marry me because of my financial position and the lifestyle our combined income would offer. Bill’s sister said he was always preoccupied with his image because they grew up in a family with little money, and it was important to Bill to have things he didn’t have growing up. She went on to opine that she felt Bill married his first wife for sex, his second wife because she was a good fit as a stepmother to his young daughter, and me because of my money. She, too, agreed with me that his marriages were likely a front to conceal his true self.

This claim was validated when I found a text Bill sent to his first wife not long after we moved in together, where he told her that he wasn’t sure if I was the one, but at least she’s rich. Yes, the signs were everywhere, but I paid little attention to the warnings. While financial reasons and a comfortable lifestyle were not at all why I agreed to marry Bill, I am not proud to say they are now because I am retiring in June and will no longer have the lucrative income I have enjoyed over the years.

Frankly, I feel I am too old to start over, and I’m also a bit scared. Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common theme that other wives tell when asked why they stay in a tumultuous marriage that involves a husband who identifies as a woman or a run-of-the-mill crossdresser who engages in secretive risky behavior. While some wives muster up the courage to leave, others find convenient excuses to stay. I guess I am one of them.

I don’t hate Bill, but I hate some of the things he has done and why he did them. He lied to me from day one, and it continues to this day. The only difference is that I am no longer searching for evidence of his wrongdoing or agonizing over the injury about what he does behind my back. I gave up that insufferable chase in 2018 after Palm Springs.

Today, we live mostly as unaffectionate agnostic roommates where sex is nothing more than a distant memory because I got tired of being a prop. However, there is much I value in my life with Bill. He’s neat, likes things organized, is financially responsible, likes to travel, experience fine dining, is willing to watch classic movies, and loves to watch football. Simple things we can still enjoy together — or at least pretend to. 

As I said, my reasons for staying are selfish, and that is something else we have in common.

Tags: crossdressing, featured, opinion, partners

Category: crossdressing